Testimonial

Dear Tide:

   
I am writing to say what an excellent product you have! I’ve used it all of  my married life, as my Mom always told me it was the best.  Now that
I am in my fifties I find it even better!  

In fact, about a month ago, I spilled some red wine on my new white blouse. My inconsiderate and uncaring husband started to belittle me about how clumsy I was, and generally started becoming a pain in the neck.  One thing led to another and somehow I ended up with his blood on my new white blouse!  I grabbed my bottle of Tide with bleach alternative, to my surprise and satisfaction, all of the stains came out!

In fact, the stains came out so well the detectives who came by yesterday told me that the DNA tests on my blouse were negative and then my attorney called and said that I was no longer considered a suspect in the disappearance of my husband.

What a relief!  Going through menopause is bad enough without being a murder suspect!  I thank you, once again, for having a great product.

Well, gotta go, have to write to the Hefty bag people.

What a Looker

For suspected drug trafficker Ronaldo Silva, prison was a real drag… so he decided to escape in what he thought was the perfect disguise.

When his wife came to visit him at Penedo prison in Brazil , he popped on her bra, threw on a wig and poured his curves into her pretty blue dress.

He even shaved his arms and legs for good measure, and squeezed into a pair of killer heels.

But his plan to sashay through the prison gates went awry after he forgot one thing: it can take a woman years to master how to glide naturally in high heels.

Half an hour into his daring bid for freedom, one eagle-eyed guard noticed that, despite looking like a woman, he didn’t walk like one.

He was followed as far as the bus station before police picked him up and dragged him back to jail.

The jail’s director Carlos Welber said Silva had swapped clothes with his wife during her weekly visit.

She left the prison wearing his bermuda shorts and another top she had brought in her bag.

He told Brazil’s Globo G1 website: ‘He left the prison shortly after her, along with other inmates’ wives. He was wearing a wig, painted false nails and a long dress. He’d spent a long time shaving his legs and arms. There was a lot of preparation and premeditation involved in this.’

Silva managed to get past prison guards, but a policeman patrolling the street outside became suspicious and decided to follow him.

Mr Welber said: ‘He noticed that the woman was walking funny and looked strange. He followed him to the bus station, where two men were waiting on motorbikes to pick him up.

‘The policeman approached him and managed to arrest him and bring him back, still dressed as a woman.’

Silva had been awaiting trial for drug trafficking.

He was transferred to the prison last month after another escape attempt, when armed men tried to invade another jail to release him.

According to Mr Welber, Silva’s wife admitted changing clothes with her husband but claimed she had no idea why he wanted them.

He said: ‘He was the one who demanded her clothes, at least that’s what she’s telling us. Of course we don’t believe her, but that’s her story.

‘At the time it was visiting hour and there were more than 150 family members inside the prison. But we’re taking measures to ensure this doesn’t happen again.’

Attribution: Matt Blake

Joke of the Day

A Tourist walked into a Chinese curio shop in San Francisco. While looking around at the exotic merchandise, he noticed a very lifelike, life-sized, bronze statue of a rat.

It had no price tag, but was so incredibly striking the tourist decided he must have it. He took it to the old shop owner and asked, “How much for the bronze rat?”

“Ahhh, you have chosen wisely! It is $12 for the rat and $100 for the story,” said the wise old Chinaman.

The tourist quickly pulled out twelve dollars. “I’ll just take the rat, you can keep the story”.

As he walked down the street carrying his bronze rat, the tourist noticed that a few real rats had crawled out of the alleys and sewers and had begun following him down the street. This was a bit disconcerting so he began walking faster.

A couple blocks later he looked behind him and saw to his horror the herd of rats behind him had grown to hundreds, and they began squealing.

Sweating now, the tourist began to trot toward San Francisco Bay.

Again, after a couple blocks, he looked around only to discover that the rats now numbered in the MILLIONS, and were squealing and coming toward him faster and faster

Terrified, he ran to the edge of the Bay and threw the bronze rat as far as he could into the Bay.

Amazingly, the millions of rats all jumped into the Bay after the bronze rat and were all drowned.

The man walked back to the curio shop in Chinatown.

“Ahhh,” said the owner, “You come back for story?”

“No sir,” said the man, “I came back to see if you have a bronze Democrat.”

Joke of the Day

After trying a new shampoo for the first time, a guy fired off an enthusiastic letter of approval to the manufacturer.

 Several weeks later he came home from work to a large carton in the middle of the floor.

Inside were free samples of the many products the company produced: soaps, detergents, tooth paste, and paper items.

“Well, what do you think?” his wife asked smiling.

“Next time,” he replied. “I’m writing to Mercedes!”