A man was eating in a fancy restaurant and there was a gorgeous woman eating at the next table. He had been checking her out all night, but lacked the nerve to go talk to her.
An old man placed an order for one hamburger, French fries and a drink.
He unwrapped the plain hamburger and carefully cut it in half, placing one half in front of his wife.
He then carefully counted out the French fries, dividing them into two piles and neatly placed one pile in front of his wife.
An old Irish, World War II Spitfire pilot and flying Ace, was speaking in a church and reminiscing about his war experiences. “In 1942,” he says, “the situation was really tough. The Germans had a very strong air force. I remember,” he continues, “one day I was protecting the bombers and suddenly, out of the clouds, these Fokkers appeared.”
There are a few gasps from the parishioners and several of the children began to giggle. “I looked up and realized that two of the Fokkers were directly above me. I aimed at the first one and shot him down. By then though, the other Fokker was right on my tail.”
At this point, several of the elderly ladies of the church were blushing with embarrassment, the girls were all giggling and the boys laughing loudly.
The pastor finally stands up and says, “I think I should point out that ‘Fokker’ was the name of a German-Dutch aircraft company, who made many of the planes used by the Germans during the war.”
“Yes, that’s true,” says the old pilot, “but these Fokkers were flying Messerschmitt’s.”
A man walks into a pet shop and says to the owner, “I want to buy a pet, but I don’t want a boring normal pet – no cats or dogs. I want something different please.”
The pet shop owner informs him that he has a talking centipede.
“Really?” says the man. “How much?”
The owner informs him that the talking centipede costs $70 including case. Happy with the unusual offering, the man pays the money and takes his new pet home.
Upon getting home, he lays the matchbox containing the centipede on the table, opens it and says, “Hello Mr. Centipede, fancy going to the pub for a few drinks?”
The centipede says nothing. Figuring it must be tired from the journey, the man decides to leave it for an hour and try again later.
An hour later, he opens the matchbox and says “Hello Mr. Centipede, fancy going to the pub for a few drinks?”
The centipede again says nothing. Starting to get suspicious, the man decides he will give it one more hour and if the centipede doesn’t talk he will take it back to the shop for a refund.
An hour later the man opens the matchbox and repeats, “Hello Mr. Centipede, fancy going to the pub for a few drinks?”
The centipede then says, “I heard you the first time you moron! I’m putting my shoes on!”
Little Bruce and Jenny are only 10 years old, but they know they’re in love.
One day they decide that they want to get married so Bruce goes to Jenny’s father to ask him for her hand.
Bruce bravely walks up to him and says, “Mr. Smith, me and Jenny are in love and I want to ask you for her hand in marriage.”
Thinking that this was just the cutest thing, Mr. Smith replies, “Well Bruce, you are only 10. Where will you live?”
Without even taking a moment to think about it, Bruce replies, “In Jenny’s room. It’s bigger than mine and we can both fit there nicely.”
Mr. Smith says with a huge grin, “Okay, then how will you live? You’re not old enough to get a job. You’ll need to support Jenny.”
Again, Bruce instantly replies, “Our allowance, Jenny makes five bucks a week and I make ten bucks a week. That’s about 60 bucks a month, so that should do us just fine.”
Mr. Smith is impressed Bruce has put so much thought into this.
“Well Bruce, it seems like you have everything figured out. I just have one more question. What will you do if the two of you should have little children of your own?”
Bruce just shrugs his shoulders and says, “Well, we’ve been lucky so far.”
Mr. Smith no longer thinks this little bastard is so adorable!
A pirate walks into a publick house and orders a pint of grog.
When the barman serves the drink, he notices what looks like a tiny ship’s wheel poking up out of the pirate’s breeches.
The barman says, “Say, do you know there’s a ship’s wheel in your trousers?”
The pirate replies, “Aye, and it’s drivin’ me nuts!”