The new employee stood before the paper shredder looking confused.
A father walks into a restaurant with his young son. He gives the young boy three pennies to play with to keep him occupied.
Suddenly, the boy starts choking, going blue in the face. The father realizes the boy has swallowed the pennies and starts slapping him on the back. The boy coughs up two of the pennies, but keeps choking. Looking at his son, the father is panicking, shouting for help.
Upon getting to work one morning, seventy-five year old Marvin is reminded by his secretary that it’s his wife’s birthday today. At lunch, Marvin goes to the local mall and tries to find a gift for her.
Unfortunately, he realizes that life has been good and she has everything she needs. Upon passing a lingerie store, Marvin realizes that his wife has never bought any lingerie in her life. He gets the idea to buy his wife something sexy to make her feel good and young.
A man goes to the doctor after feeling ill. The doctor says: “You know, you should have come to see me sooner. Unfortunately you have waited too long and you are going to die this evening.”
The man is distraught and wonders how he is going to tell his wife. Well, he tells her and she takes it pretty well: “Honey, this is going to be a night that you will always remember,” she says. “I am going to treat you like a king.”
A teacher asked her students to use the word “fascinate” in a sentence. Mary said, “My family went to the New York City Zoo, and we saw all the animals. It was fascinating.”
The teacher said, “That was good, but I wanted the word “fascinate.”
These are real notes written from parents in an American School District. (Spellings have been left intact.):
My son is under a doctor’s care and should not take P.E. today. Please execute him.
Please excuse Lisa for being absent. She was sick and I had her shot.
Bob had finally made it to the last round of the $5,000,000 Question. The night before the big question, he told the M.C. that he desired a question on American History.
The big night had arrived. Bob made his way on stage in front of the studio and TV audience. He had become the talk of the week. He was the best guest this show had ever seen. The M.C. stepped up to the mic.