A blonde bought a brand new car and decided to drive it to visit a friend who lived a short distance away. She reached there in a few hours.
A young man, who was also an avid golfer, found himself with a few hours to spare one afternoon. He figured that if he hurried and played very fast, he could get in 9 holes before he had to head home.
Just as he was about to tee off, an old gentleman shuffled onto the tee and asked if he could accompany the young man as he was golfing alone. Not being able to say no, he allowed the old man to join him.
On the outskirts of a small town, there was a big, old pecan tree just inside the cemetery fence. One day, two boys filled up a bucketful of nuts and sat down by the tree, out of sight, and began dividing the nuts.
‘One for you, one for me One for you, one for me,’ said one boy. Several dropped and rolled down toward the fence.
Another boy came riding along the road on his bicycle. As he passed, he thought he heard voices from inside the cemetery. He slowed down to investigate. Sure enough, he heard, ‘One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me.’
He just knew what it was. He jumped back on his bike and rode off. Just around the bend he met an old man with a cane, hobbling along.
On the last day of kindergarten, all the children brought presents for their teacher.
The florist’s son handed the teacher a gift.
She shook it, held it up and said, “I bet I know what it is – it’s some flowers!”
“That’s right!” shouted the little boy.
Then the candy store owner’s daughter handed the teacher a gift.
A driver is pulled over by a patrolman. The patrolman approaches the drivers door.
‘Is there a problem officer?’
The patrolman says, ‘Sir, you were speeding. Can I see your license please?’
The driver responds, ‘I’d give it to you, but I don’t have one.’
‘You don’t have one?’
The man responds, ‘It was suspended four times for drunk driving.’
The patrolman is shocked. ‘I see. May I see your vehicle registration papers please?’
‘I’m sorry, I can’t do that.’
Ron was almost 29 years old. Most of his friends were already married while Ron just bounced from one relationship to the next.
Finally a friend asked him, “What’s the matter, are you looking for the perfect woman? Are you THAT particular? Can’t you find anyone who suits you?”
Two psychiatrists were at a convention. As they conversed over a drink, one asked, “What was your most difficult case?”
The other replied, “I had a patient who lived in a pure fantasy world. He believed that an uncle in South America was going to die and leave him a fortune.
Things You Don’t Want to Hear During Surgery
– Better save that. We’ll need it for the autopsy.
– Someone call the janitor – we’re going to need a mop.
– Accept this sacrifice, O Great Lord of Darkness!
– Spot! Spot! Come back with that! Bad Dog!