Joke of the Day

A young man at this construction site was bragging that he could outdo anyone based on his strength. He especially made fun of one of the older workman. After several minutes, the older worker had enough. 

“Why don’t you put your money where you mouth is?” he said. “I’ll bet a week’s wages that I can haul something in a wheelbarrow over to the other building that you won’t be able to wheel back.” 

“You’re on, old man,” the young man replied. “Let’s see what you’ve got.” 

The old man reached out and grabbed the wheelbarrow by the handles.

Then nodding to the young man, he said with a smile, “All right. Get in.”

Joke of the Day

A couple is dressed and ready to go out for the evening. They phone for a cab, turn on a night light, cover Tweety, their pet parakeet, and put Hag, their cat, out in the back yard.

The taxi arrives, and they open the front door to leave. Suddenly the cat they put out scoots back into the house. They don’t want the cat shut in there because she always tries to eat the bird. The wife goes out to the taxi while the husband goes back in. The cat runs upstairs, with the man in hot pursuit.

The wife doesn’t want the driver to know the house will be empty. She explains to the taxi driver that her husband will be out soon. “He’s just going upstairs to say goodbye to my mother.”

A few minutes later the husband gets into the cab.

“Sorry I took so long,” he says, as they drive away. “Stupid Hag was hiding under the bed. Had to poke her with a coat hanger to get her to come out! Then I had to wrap her in a blanket to keep her from scratching me. But it worked. I hauled her fat butt downstairs and threw her out into the back yard!

The cab driver hit a parked car.

Joke of the Day

Little Emily was complaining to her mother that her stomach hurt.

Her mother replied, “That’s because it’s empty. Maybe you should try putting something in it.”

The next day, her teacher stopped by Emily’s family’s house for a visit.

Emily’s teacher mentioned that her head hurt, to which Emily immediately replied, “That’s because it’s empty. Maybe you should try putting something in it.”

Joke of the Day

Don’t blame me for these:

When chemists die, they barium.

Jokes about German sausage are the wurst.

I know a guy who’s addicted to brake fluid. He says he can stop any time.

How does Moses make his tea? Hebrews it.

I stayed up all night to see where the sun went. Then it dawned on me.

This girl said she recognized me from the vegetarian club, but I’d
never met herbivore.

I’m reading a book about anti-gravity. I just can’t put it down.

I did a theatrical performance about puns. It was a play on words.

They told me I had type A blood, but it was a type-O.

PMS jokes aren’t funny, period.

Why were the Indians here first? They had reservations.

We are going on a class trip to the Coca-Cola factory. I hope there’s
no pop quiz.

I didn’t like my beard at first. Then it grew on me.

Did you hear about the cross-eyed teacher who lost her job because she
couldn’t control her pupils?

When you get a bladder infection urine trouble.

Broken pencils are pointless.

I tried to catch some fog, but I mist.

What do you call a dinosaur with an extensive vocabulary? A thesaurus.

England has no kidney bank, but it does have a Liverpool.

I used to be a banker, but then I lost interest.

I dropped out of communism class because of lousy Marx.

All the toilets in New York’s police stations have been stolen. The
police have nothing to go on.

I got a job at a bakery because I kneaded dough.

Velcro – what a rip off!

A cartoonist was found dead in his home. Details are sketchy

Venison for dinner again? Oh deer!

The earthquake in Washington obviously was the government’s fault.

Be kind to your dentist. He has fillings, too.

Attribution: Bev

Joke of the Day

The man who gave up sex for Golf

A golfer is in a competitive match with a friend, who is ahead by a
couple of strokes. “Boy, I’d give anything to sink this putt,” the golfer
mumbles to himself.

Just then, a stranger walks up beside him and whispers, “Would you
be willing to give up one-fourth of your sex life?”

Thinking the man is crazy and his answer will be meaningless, the
golfer also feels that maybe this is a good omen, so he says, “Sure”,
and sinks the putt.

Two holes later, he mumbles to himself again, “Gee, I sure would
like to get an eagle on this one.”

The same stranger is at his side again and whispers, “Would it be
worth giving up another fourth of your sex life?”

Shrugging, the golfer replies, “Okay.” And he makes an eagle.

On the final hole, the golfer needs another eagle to win.

Without waiting for him to say anything, the stranger quickly moves
to his side and says, “Would winning this match be worth giving up the
rest of your sex life?”

“Definitely,” the golfer replies, and he makes the eagle.

As the golfer is walking to the club house, the stranger walks
alongside him and says, “I haven’t really been fair with you because you don’t
know who I am. I’m Satan, and from this day forward you will have no
sex life.”

“Nice to meet you, “the golfer replies, “I’m Father O’Malley.”

Joke of the Day

A Groaner

A spokesperson for the U.S. Mint announced that a new fifty-cent piece was being issued to honor two great American patriots.

On one side of the coin would be Teddy Roosevelt and on the other side, Nathan Hale.

Asked why two people were going to be on the same coin, the spokesman replied, “Now, when you toss a coin you can simply call…. ‘Ted’s or Hale’s’.”

Joke of the Day

Two men were out playing golf on a nice Saturday afternoon.

They were getting frustrated, though, because the two women who were playing right in front of them were quite slow, and were holding up the men’s game.

“Don’t they know their supposed to let us play through?!” asked the first man.

The other man shook his head. “I’m going to go ask them if we can play through,” said the first man, emphatically, “Enough is enough!”

He started walking over toward the women, but as he got close, he suddenly turned around and came back, white as a ghost.

“Oh God,” he said to his friend, “This is awful. You’re going to have to ask those women if we can play through. You see, one of them is my wife, and the other is my mistress!”

The other man shrugged, and said “No sweat.”

He walked over toward the women, and just as he was getting close, turned around and came running back to his pal. His eyes wide open, he said – “Small world isn’t it!”

Joke of the Day

A husband and wife are shopping in their local Wal-Mart.

The husband picks up a case of Budweiser and puts it in their cart. “What do you think you’re doing?” asks the wife.

“They’re on sale, only $10 for 24 cans,” he replies.

“Put them back, we can’t afford them,” demands the wife.

So he does and they carry on shopping.

A few aisles further on along, the woman picks up a $20 jar of face cream and puts it in the basket.

“What do you think you’re doing?” asks the husband.

“It’s my face cream. It makes me look beautiful,” replies the wife.

Her husband snorts: “So do 24 cans of Budweiser, and it’s only half the price.”

On the PA system: “‘Cleanup on aisle 25. We have a husband down.”

Joke of the Day

Actual Children’s quotes:

1. Never trust a dog to watch your food. – Patrick, age 10

2. When your dad is mad and asks you, ‘Do I look stupid?’ don’t answer him. – Michael, 14

3. Never tell your mom her diet’s not working. – Michael, 14

4. Stay away from prunes. – Randy, 9

5. Never pee on an electric fence. – Robert, 13

6. Don’t squat with your spurs on. – Noronha, 13

7. Don’t pull dad’s finger when he tells you to. – Emily, 10

8. When your mom is mad at your dad, don’t let her brush your hair. – Taylia, 11

9. Never allow your three-year old brother in the same room as your school assignment. – Traci, 14

10. Never hold a dust buster and a cat at the same time. – Kyoyo, 9

11. You can’t hide a piece of broccoli in a glass of milk. – Armir, 9

12. Felt markers are not good to use as lipstick. – Lauren, 9

13. Don’t pick on your sister when she’s holding a baseball bat. – Joel, 10

14. When you get a bad grade in school, show it to your mom when she’s on the phone. – Alyesha, 13

15. Never try to baptize a cat. – Eileen, 8

Joke du Jour

An Italian, an Irishman and a Chinese fellow are hired at a Sydney construction site.

The foreman points to a huge pile of sand and says to the Italian guy, “You’re in charge of sweeping.”

To the Irishman he says, “You’re in charge of shoveling.”

To the Chinese guy, “You’re in charge of supplies.”

He then says, “Now, I have to leave for a little while. I expect you guys to make a dent in that there pile.”

So the foreman goes away for a couple hours, but when he returns the pile of sand is untouched.

He says to the Italian: “Why didn’t you sweep any of it?”

The Italian replies in a heavy accent, “I no gotta broom, an’ you tella me dat de Chinese’a guy supposa bringa da supplies, but he disappear and I no finda him.”

Then the foreman turns to the Irishman and asks why he didn’t shovel.

The Irishman replies in his heavy brogue, “Aye, that ye did, but I couldn’t get meself a shovel. Ye left the Chinese fella in charge of supplies, but I couldn’t fin’ him.”

The foreman is really angry now, and storms off looking for the Chinese guy.

He can’t find him anywhere and is getting angrier by the minute. Just then, the Chinese guy springs out from behind the pile of sand and yells… “Supplies!!”