Joke of the Day

Two men were out playing golf on a nice Saturday afternoon.

They were getting frustrated, though, because the two women who were playing right in front of them were quite slow, and were holding up the men’s game.

“Don’t they know their supposed to let us play through?!” asked the first man.

The other man shook his head. “I’m going to go ask them if we can play through,” said the first man, emphatically, “Enough is enough!”

He started walking over toward the women, but as he got close, he suddenly turned around and came back, white as a ghost.

“Oh God,” he said to his friend, “This is awful. You’re going to have to ask those women if we can play through. You see, one of them is my wife, and the other is my mistress!”

The other man shrugged, and said “No sweat.”

He walked over toward the women, and just as he was getting close, turned around and came running back to his pal. His eyes wide open, he said – “Small world isn’t it!”

Joke of the Day

A husband and wife are shopping in their local Wal-Mart.

The husband picks up a case of Budweiser and puts it in their cart. “What do you think you’re doing?” asks the wife.

“They’re on sale, only $10 for 24 cans,” he replies.

“Put them back, we can’t afford them,” demands the wife.

So he does and they carry on shopping.

A few aisles further on along, the woman picks up a $20 jar of face cream and puts it in the basket.

“What do you think you’re doing?” asks the husband.

“It’s my face cream. It makes me look beautiful,” replies the wife.

Her husband snorts: “So do 24 cans of Budweiser, and it’s only half the price.”

On the PA system: “‘Cleanup on aisle 25. We have a husband down.”

Joke of the Day

Actual Children’s quotes:

1. Never trust a dog to watch your food. – Patrick, age 10

2. When your dad is mad and asks you, ‘Do I look stupid?’ don’t answer him. – Michael, 14

3. Never tell your mom her diet’s not working. – Michael, 14

4. Stay away from prunes. – Randy, 9

5. Never pee on an electric fence. – Robert, 13

6. Don’t squat with your spurs on. – Noronha, 13

7. Don’t pull dad’s finger when he tells you to. – Emily, 10

8. When your mom is mad at your dad, don’t let her brush your hair. – Taylia, 11

9. Never allow your three-year old brother in the same room as your school assignment. – Traci, 14

10. Never hold a dust buster and a cat at the same time. – Kyoyo, 9

11. You can’t hide a piece of broccoli in a glass of milk. – Armir, 9

12. Felt markers are not good to use as lipstick. – Lauren, 9

13. Don’t pick on your sister when she’s holding a baseball bat. – Joel, 10

14. When you get a bad grade in school, show it to your mom when she’s on the phone. – Alyesha, 13

15. Never try to baptize a cat. – Eileen, 8

Joke du Jour

An Italian, an Irishman and a Chinese fellow are hired at a Sydney construction site.

The foreman points to a huge pile of sand and says to the Italian guy, “You’re in charge of sweeping.”

To the Irishman he says, “You’re in charge of shoveling.”

To the Chinese guy, “You’re in charge of supplies.”

He then says, “Now, I have to leave for a little while. I expect you guys to make a dent in that there pile.”

So the foreman goes away for a couple hours, but when he returns the pile of sand is untouched.

He says to the Italian: “Why didn’t you sweep any of it?”

The Italian replies in a heavy accent, “I no gotta broom, an’ you tella me dat de Chinese’a guy supposa bringa da supplies, but he disappear and I no finda him.”

Then the foreman turns to the Irishman and asks why he didn’t shovel.

The Irishman replies in his heavy brogue, “Aye, that ye did, but I couldn’t get meself a shovel. Ye left the Chinese fella in charge of supplies, but I couldn’t fin’ him.”

The foreman is really angry now, and storms off looking for the Chinese guy.

He can’t find him anywhere and is getting angrier by the minute. Just then, the Chinese guy springs out from behind the pile of sand and yells… “Supplies!!”

Joke of the Day

Men strike back!

How many men does it take to open a beer?
None…. It should be opened when she brings it.

Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick up a woman?
Because a woman who can’t even afford a washing machine
will probably never be able to support you.

Why do women have smaller feet than men?
It’s one of those ‘evolutionary things’ that allows
them to stand closer to the kitchen sink.

How do you know when a woman is about to say something
Smart?
When she starts a sentence with ‘A man once told me…’
 
How do you fix a woman’s watch?
You don’t. There is a clock on the oven.
 
If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front door, whom do you let in first?
The dog, of course He’ll shut up once you let him in.
 
Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes a woman’s
Sex drive by 90%.
It’s called a Wedding Cake.
 
Why do men die before their wives?
They want to.
 
Women will never be equal to men
Until they can walk down the street with a bald head
And a beer gut, and still think they are sexy.

Joke du Jour

A blonde went to a flight school insisting she wanted to learn to fly.

 As all the planes were currently in use, the owner agreed to instruct her by radio on how to pilot the solo helicopter.

 He took her out, showed her how to start it and gave her the basics, and sent her on her way.

After she climbed 1000 feet, she radioed in. “I’m doing great! I love it! The view is so beautiful, and I’m starting to get the hang of this.”

 After 2000 feet, she radioed again, saying how easy it was to fly.

The instructor watched her climb over 3000 feet, and was beginning to worry that she hadn’t radioed in.

 A few minutes later, he watched in horror as she crashed about half a mile away. He ran over and pulled her from the wreckage.

 When he asked what happened, she said, “I don’t know!

Everything was going fine, but as I got higher, I was starting to get cold.

I don’t remember anything after I turned off the big fan!”

Joke of the Day

GENUINE COURT TRANSCRIPT…

Q: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
A: No.
Q: Did you check for blood pressure?
A: No.
Q: Did you check for breathing?
A: No.
Q: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
A: No.
Q: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
A: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
Q: But could the patient have still been alive nevertheless?
A: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law somewhere.

Joke du Jour

A couple drove several miles down a country road, not saying a word.

An earlier discussion had led to an argument, and neither wanted to concede their position.

As they passed a barnyard of mules and pigs, the wife sarcastically asked, “relatives of yours?”

“Yep,” the husband replied, “In-laws.”

Joke of the Day

Actual Newspaper Headlines:

Red Tape Holds Up New Bridge

Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers

Squad Helps Dog Bite Victim

Enraged Cow Injures Farmer with Ax

Checkout Counter Killer Sentenced to Die for Second Time in 10 Years

If Strike isn’t Settled Quickly, It May Last a While

Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures

Man Struck by Lightning Faces Battery Charge

Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead

New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group

British Union Finds Dwarfs in Short Supply

Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half

Hospitals are Sued by 7 Foot Doctors

Some Pieces of Rock Hudson Sold at Auction

Sex Education Delayed, Teachers Request Training

Man Minus Ear Waives Hearing

Deaf College Opens Doors to Hearing