Joke of the Day

A henpecked husband was advised by a psychiatrist to assert himself. “You don’t have to let your wife bully you,” he said. “Go home and show her you’re the boss.”

The husband decided to take the doctor’s advice.

He went home, slammed the door, saw his wife and growled, “From now on you’re taking orders from me. I want my supper right now, and after you get it on the table, go upstairs and lay out my clothes.

Tonight I am going out with the boys. You are going to stay at home where you belong. Another thing, you know who is going to tie my bow tie?”

“I certainly do,” said his wife calmly, “the undertaker.”

Joke of the Day

A young woman said to her doctor, ‘You have to help me, I hurt all over.’ ‘What do you mean?’ said the doctor.

The woman touched her right knee with her index finger and yelled,’Ow, that hurts.’

Then she touched her left cheek and again yelled, ‘Ouch! That hurts, too.’

Then she touched her right earlobe. ‘Ow, even THAT hurts.’ The doctor asked the woman, ‘Are you a natural blonde?’ ‘Why yes,’ she said. ‘I thought so,’ said the doctor.

‘You have a sprained finger.’

Joke of the Day

A police officer sees a man driving around with a pickup truck full of penguins.

He pulls the guy over and says, “You can’t drive around with penguins in this town! Take them to the zoo immediately.”

The guy says okay, and drives away. The next day, the officer sees the guy still driving around with the truck full of penguins — and they’re all wearing sunglasses.

He pulls the guy over and demands, “I thought I told you to take these penguins to the zoo yesterday?”

The guy replies, “I did. Today I’m taking them to the beach!”

Joke of the Day

A magazine reporter is traveling through a rainforest, in search of a fabled cannibalistic tribe. He falls into a trap, goes unconscious and wakes up tied to a stake with a fire burning slowly underneath him.

He cries out for help, and is answered by what is obviously the tribal chief, who informs him that he is going to be served as dinner to the leader of the tribe.

“But you don’t understand!” he cries, “You can’t do this to me! I’m an editor for the New Yorker magazine!”

“Ah,” replies the tribal chief, “Well soon you will be editor-in-chief!”

Joke of the Day

Glenn took his dog to the veterinary clinic, and laid its limp body on the table. The doctor pulled out his stethoscope, listened to the dog’s chest for a moment, then shook his head sadly. “I’m sorry, but your dog has passed away.”

“What?” Glenn screamed. “You haven’t even done any tests! I want another opinion.”
The vet left the room and returned in a few moments with a Labrador Retriever. The Retriever sniffed the dog on the table carefully from head to toe. Finally, the Retriever shook it’s head and barked once (meaning “dead and gone”).

The vet took the Labrador away and returned a few minutes later with a cat, which also sniffed carefully over the dog on the table before shaking its head and saying, “Meow” (meaning “he’s gone”).

After the cat jumped off the table, the vet handed Glenn a bill for $600. The man shook the bill at the vet. “$600!!!! Just to tell me my dog is dead?!!! That’s outrageous!”

The vet explained. “If you had taken my word for it, the charge would have been $50, but with the Lab work and the cat scan….”

Joke of the Day

A blonde got tired of everyone treating her like she was dumb so she decided to dye her hair brown.

She went out and about in the world to prove that she was smart. She came upon a sheep farmer and thought it would make the perfect opportunity to show off her brains.

The now brunette blonde asked the farmer if she could have one of his sheep if she could correctly guess how many sheep there were.

The farmer looked at his sheep that were jumping and running about and thought to himself “that would be impossible” so he allowed her to guess.

After a few minutes, the woman correctly guessed the number at 129. The farmer was amazed so he let her pick one of the sheep.

The woman walked into the middle of the heard, picked up a fuzzy little critter and walked back to the farmer.

The farmer smiled at her and said “If I can correctly guess what color your hair is can I have my dog back?”

Joke of the Day

An old man is lying on his deathbed with his children and grandchildren, all around, teary-eyed at the approaching finale of a very long and productive life.

The old man is in a terminal coma, and the doctors have confirmed that the waiting will be over within the next twenty-four hours.

Suddenly, the old man opens his eyes and whispers: “I must be dreaming of heaven! I smell your grandmother’s strudel!”

“No, grandfather, you are not dreaming. Grandmother is baking strudel now.”

“I know I will never have another taste of her delicious strudel after this one. Could you please go down and get me a piece?”, the old man begs with what is left of his final breath.

One of the grandchildren is immediately dispatched to honor the old man’s last request. After a long time, he returns empty-handed.

“Did you bring me one last piece of your grandmother’s delicious strudel?” the old man plaintively queries.

“I’m very sorry, grandfather, but she says it’s for the funeral.”

Joke of the Day

A businessman on his deathbed called his friend and said, “Bill, I want you to promise me that when I die you will have my remains cremated.”

“And what,” his friend asked, “do you want me to do with your ashes?”

The businessman said, “Just put them in an envelope and mail them to the Internal Revenue Service. Write on the envelope, “Now, you have everything.”

Joke of the Day

A blind man was describing his favorite sport: parachuting.

When asked how this was accomplished, he said that things were all done for him: “I am placed in the door and told when to jump. My hand is placed on my release ring for me, and out I go.”

“But how do you know when you are going to land?” he was asked.

“I have a very keen sense of smell and I can smell the trees and grass when I am 300 feet from the ground,” he answered.

“But how do you know when to lift your legs for the final arrival on the ground?” he was again asked.

He quickly answered: “Oh, the dog’s leash goes slack.”

Ok, that was awful.

Joke of the Day

On New Year’s Eve, Daniel was in no shape to drive, so he sensibly left his car in the lot and walked home.

As he was stumbling along, he was stopped by a policeman. ‘What are you doing out here at four o’clock in the morning?’ asked the police officer.

‘I’m on my way to a lecture,’ answered Roger.

‘And who on earth, in their right mind, is going to give a lecture at this time on New Year’s Eve?’ enquired the constable sarcastically.

‘My wife,’ slurred Daniel grimly.