One night there was three fugitives escaping from jail. One was blonde, one was brunette and the other was a red-head.
They had the police hot on their trail and quickly thinking the brunette points out an old, abandoned factory perfect for hiding in.
They all got in their little potato sacks and barely a minute later the police came crashing through the door.
They looked at the sacks and said ‘Hmm maybe they are hiding in these’ The officer kicks the Red-head’s sack and she makes whimpering noises. ‘Hmm just puppies in that sack’.
The officer kicks the Brunette’s sack and she makes mewing noises. ‘Hmm just kittens in that sack’ He says.
He finally kicks the blonde’s sack and he hears….
A guy goes into a bar and orders a beer. The bartender gives him a beer and a bowl of nuts.
The guy looks around and sees no one except the bartender at the other end of the bar. The guy takes another sip of his beer when again he hears the soft voice: “Man, you are looking good, have you lost weight?”
The guy looks around, confused, and only sees the bartender down at the other end of the bar. He has another sip of his beer, a few more nuts, and the same thing happens again, the voice says: “I simply love your jacket.”
The guy calls the bartender down. “Do you hear voices?” the guy asks nervously.
“Voices, sir?” the bartender asks thinking he’s got a weirdo sitting at the bar.
“Yeah, watch this,” says the guy. He sips his beer and munches a handful of nuts. Sure enough there’s the soft voice: “Man, are you smart or what?”
“Oh, that,” says the bartender: “it’s the nuts. They’re complimentary.”
One day, a guy went into a store, just browsing.
He suddenly saw a statue of a rat made of bronze, and thought that it was interesting. He decided to buy it.
The guy walked out of the store, carrying the statue in his arms. Suddenly some rats started following him.
As he walked along, more and more rats started following him, until all the rats in the city were behind him.
He suddenly realized that it was the statue that was doing this.
He headed towards the bay that resided next to the city, and threw the statue in. The rats followed, not caring about their impending deaths.
The guy ran back to the store, and when he reached it, the store owner said, “No refunds”.
The guy shook his head, and said, “No, no, I was wondering if you had any statues like the one I bought, only, shaped like a lawyer.”
A police officer pulls over this guy who’s been weaving in and out of the lanes. He goes up to the guy’s window and says, “Sir, I need you to blow into this breathalyzer tube.”
“Okay, fine. I need you to come down to the station to give a blood sample.”
I can’t do that either. I am a hemophiliac. If I do that, I’ll bleed to death.”
“Well, then, we need a urine sample.”
“I’m sorry, officer, I can’t do that either. I am also a diabetic. If I do that, I’ll get really low blood sugar.”
“All right, then I need you to come out here and walk this white line.”
“I can’t do that, officer.”
“Because I’m drunk.”
A group of Americans was touring Ireland. One of the women in the group was a real curmudgeon, constantly complaining. The bus seats are uncomfortable.The food is terrible. It’s too hot. It’s too cold. The accommodations are awful.
The group arrived at the site of the famous Blarney Stone. “Good luck will be followin’ ya all your days if you kiss the Blarney Stone,”he guide said. “Unfortunately, it’s being cleaned today and so no one will be able to kiss it. Perhaps we can come back tomorrow.”
“We can’t be here tomorrow,” the nasty woman shouted. “We have some other boring tour to go on. So I guess we can’t kiss the stupid stone.”
“Well now,” the guide said, “it is said that if you kiss someone who has kissed the stone, you’ll have the same good fortune.”
“And I suppose you’ve kissed the stone,” the woman scoffed.
“No, ma’am,” the frustrated guide said, “but I’ve sat on it.”
Dogs don’t understand that:
1. It’s not a laugh to practice barking at 3a.m.
2. It’s wrong to back Grandma into a corner and guard her.
4. The cats have every right to be in the living room.
5. Barking at guests 10 minutes after they arrive is stupid
6. Getting up does NOT mean we are going for a walk
7. Just because I’m eating, doesn’t mean you can.
8. If you look at me with those big soppy eyes, I’m not going to give in and feed you. NOT NOT NOT. Oh, ok, just this once.
9. No, it’s my food….Oh alright then, just a small piece.
Obama who was behind her by chance, helped her to get up promptly.
She thanked him and he answered…
“It was a pleasure to help you. Don’t you recognize me? I am your President. Are you going to vote for me in the next election?”
The elderly woman laughed and replied:
“You know… I fell on my ass… not my head!”
After explaining the commandment to “honor” thy Father and thy Mother, she asked, “Is there a commandment that teaches us how to treat our brothers and sisters?”
Without missing a beat one little boy (the oldest of a family) answered, “Thou shall not kill.”
Three friends married women from different parts of the country.
The first man married a woman from Nebraska . He told her that she was to do the dishes and house cleaning. It took a couple of days, but on the third day, he came home to see a clean house and dishes washed and put away.
The second man married a woman from Iowa . He gave his wife orders that she was to do all the cleaning, dishes and the cooking. The first day he didn’t see any results, but the next day he saw it was better. By the third day, he saw his house was clean, the dishes were done, and there was a huge dinner on the table.
The third man married a girl from New Jersey. He ordered her to keep the house clean, dishes washed, lawn mowed, laundry washed, and hot meals on the table every day.
He said the first day he didn’t see anything and the second day he didn’t see anything.
But by the third day, some of the swelling had gone down, and he could see a little out of his left eye. And his arm was healed enough that he could fix himself a sandwich and load the dishwasher.
He still has some difficulty when he pees.