Joke of the Day

blonde on planeThere were two blondes going to California for the summer, they are about two hours into the flight and the pilot gets

on the intercom and says we just lost an engine but it is all right we have three more but it will take us an hour longer.

A half hour later he gets on the intercom again and says we just lost another engine but its all right we have two more it will take us another half hour though.

One of the blondes says, “If we lose the two last engines we will be up here all day”

Joke of the Day

Bill pulled up a stool at his favorite bar and announced: “My wife Suzie must love me more than any woman has ever loved any man!”Lola_Bunny

“What makes you say that?” the bartender inquired.

“Last week,” Bill explained, “I had to take a couple of sick days from work.

Suzie was so thrilled to have me around that every time the milkman and the mail man came by, she’d run down the driveway, waving her arms and hollering, ‘My husband’s home! My husband’s home!'”

Joke of the Day

“Mr. Clark, I’m afraid I have bad news,” the doctor told his anxious patient. “You only have sixdoc-bugs months to live.”

The man sat in stunned silence for the next several minutes.

Regaining his composure, he apologetically told his physician that he had no medical insurance.

“I can’t possibly pay you in that time.”

“Okay,” the doctor said, “let’s make it nine months.”

Joke of the Day

george1A fellow came into a bar and ordered a martini. Before drinking it, he removed the olive and carefully put it into a glass jar.

Then he ordered another martini and did the same thing. After an hour, when he was full of martinis and the jar was full of olives, he staggered out.

“Well,” said a customer, “I never saw anything as peculiar as that!”

“What’s so peculiar about it?” the bartender said. “His wife sent him out for a jar of olives.”

Joke of the Day

washing machineA fresh-faced lad on the eve of his wedding night asks his mother, “Mom, why  are wedding dresses white?”

The mother looks at her son and replies, “Son, this shows the town that your  bride is pure.”

The son thanks his mom, and then seeks his father opinion, “Dad, why are  wedding dresses white?”

The father looks at his son in surprise and says, “Son, all household  appliances come in white.”

Joke of the Day

An airliner was having engine trouble, and the pilot instructed the cabin crew to have the passengers take their seats and get super chickenprepared for an emergency landing.

A few minutes later, the pilot asked the flight attendants if everyone was buckled in and ready.

“All set back here, Captain,” came the reply, “except for one lawyer who is still going around passing out business cards.”

Joke of the Day

A man with earringman is at work one day when he notices that his co-worker is wearing an earring.

This man knows his co-worker to be a normally conservative fellow, and is curious about his sudden change in “fashion sense.”

The man walks up to him and says, “I didn’t know you were into earrings.”

“Don’t make such a big deal out of this, it’s only an earring,” he replies sheepishly.

His friend falls silent for a few minutes, but then his curiosity prods him to say, “So, how long have you been wearing one?”

“Ever since my wife found it in my truck…”

Joke of the Day

Mr. Johnson walked anxiously to the house and knocked.

putty tatWhen a nice old lady answered, he said sadly, “I’m sorry, madam, but I have some bad news.

I’m afraid I have run over your cat.   I… would like to replace it.”

The little lady looked him up and down and said, “I’m game, but how good are you at catching mice?”

Joke of the Day

A soldier was asked to repBugsort to headquarters for assignment. The sergeant said: “We have a critical shortage of typists. I’ll give you a little test. Type this,” he ordered, giving him a pamphlet to copy and a sheet of paper, and pointing to a desk across the room that held a typewriter and an adding machine.

The man, quite reluctant to become a clerk typist, made a point of typing very slowly, and saw to it that his work contained as many errors as possible.
The sergeant gave the typed copy only a brief glance.
“That’s fine,” he said; “Report for work at 8 tomorrow.”
“But aren’t you going to check the test?” the prospective clerk asked.
The sergeant grinned. “You passed the test,” he replied, “when you sat down at the typewriter instead of at the adding machine.”

Joke of the Day

A teacher asked her students to use the word “fascinate” in a sentence. Mary said, “My family went to the New York City Zoo, and we saw all the animals. It was fascinating.”

boating schoolThe teacher said, “That was good, but I wanted the word “fascinate.”

Sally raised her hand. She said, “My family went to the Philadelphia Zoo and saw the animals. I was fascinated.”

The teacher said, “Good, but I wanted the word ‘fascinate.'”

Little Billy raised his hand. The teacher hesitated because Billy was noted for is bad language. She finally decided there was no way he could damage the word “fascinate” so she called on him.

Billy said, “My sister has a sweater with 10 buttons, but her boobs are so big she can only fasten 8.”