Joke of the Day

Restroom Talk

I was barely sitting down when I heard a voice from the other stall saying: ‘Hi, how are you?’

I’m not the type to start a conversation in the men’s restroom, but I don’t know what got into me, so I answered, somewhat embarrassed, ‘Doin’ just fine.’

And the other guy says: ‘So what are you up to?’

What kind of question is that? At that point, I’m thinking this is too bizarre so I say: ‘Uhhh, I’m like you, just traveling.’

At this point I am just trying to get out as fast as I can when I hear another question. ‘Can I come over?’

Ok, this question is just too weird for me but I figured I could just be polite and end the conversation. I tell him, ‘No……..I’m a little busy right now!!!’

Then I hear the guy say nervously…

‘Listen, I’ll have to call you back. There’s an idiot in the other stall who keeps answering all my questions.’

Joke of the Day

An out-of-work actor gets a call from his agent one day. “I’ve got you a job,” says his agent. “That’s great,” says the actor, what is it?” “Well,” says his agent, “it’s a one-liner” “That’s okay,” replies the actor, “I’ve been out of work for so long I’ll take anything. What’s the line?” “Hark, I hear the cannons roar” says the agent. “I love it” says the actor “When’s the audition?” “Wednesday” says the agent.

Wednesday comes and the actor arrives at the audition. He marches on stage and shouts: “Hark, I hear the cannons roar”. “Brilliant,” says the director, “you’ve got the job. Be here 9 o’clock Saturday evening.”

The actor is so happy he got the job that he goes on a major bender. He wakes up at 8:30 Saturday evening and runs to the theatre continually repeating his line; “Hark, I hear the cannons roar, hark, I hear the cannons roar, hark, I hear the cannons roar.”

He arrives at the stage entrance, out of breath and is stopped by the guard. “Who the hell are you?” asks the guard. “I’m “hark, I hear the cannons roar.” “If you’re “hark I hear the cannons roar”, you’re late. Get up to makeup right now!”

So he runs up to makeup. “Who the hell are you” asks the makeup girl. “I’m “hark I hear the cannons roar.”” “If you’re hark I hear the cannons roar”, you’re late. Sit down here.” And she applies the makeup. “Now quick, get down to the stage, you’re about to go on.”

He dashes down to the stage. “Who the hell are you?” asks the stage manager. “I’m “hark, I hear the cannons roar.”” “You’re “hark, I hear the cannons roar?” Get out there, the curtain’s about to go up.”

He tears onto the stage. The curtains rise, the house is full.

Suddenly there is an almighty bang behind him, and the actor shouts “WHAT THE HELL WAS THAT?”

Joke of the Day

A guy was driving when a policeman pulled him over. He rolled down his window and said to the officer, “Is there a problem, Officer?”

“No problem at all. I just observed your safe driving and am pleased to award you a $5,000 Safe Driver Award. Congratulations. What do you think you’re going to do with the money?”

He thought for a minute and said, “Well, I guess I’ll go get that drivers’ license.”

The lady sitting in the passenger seat said to the policeman, “Oh, don’t pay attention to him – he’s a smartass when he’s drunk and stoned.”

The guy from the back seat said, “I TOLD you guys we wouldn’t get far in a stolen car!”

At that moment, there was a knock from the trunk and a muffled voice said, “Are we over the border yet?”

Joke of the Day

John and Martha had become parents for the first time.

One day, Martha had to go out for some shopping and John volunteered to stay at home and look after the baby.

Soon after Martha left, the baby started to cry. John did everything to pacify the baby, but the little boy would just not stop crying.

John got really worried and decided to take the baby to a doctor.

After the doctor listened carefully to all that John had to say, the doctor began to examine the baby’s ears, chest and then down to the diaper area.

When he opened the diaper, he found it was indeed full.

“Here’s the problem,” the good doctor explained. “He just needs to be changed.”

John who was visibly confused remarked, “But the diaper package particularly says it’s good for up to 10 pounds!”

Joke of the Day

There’s an old sea story about a ship’s Captain
Who inspected his sailors, and afterward told
The first mate that his men smelled bad…The Captain suggested perhaps it would
Help if the sailors would change underwear
Occasionally.
The first mate responded, “Aye, aye sir,
I’ll see to it immediately!”

The first mate went straight to the sailors
Berth deck and announced, “The Captain
Thinks you guys smell bad and wants you
To change your underwear.”

He continued,
“Pittman, you change with Jones,
McCarthy, you change with Witkowski,
And Brown, you change with Schultz.”THE MORAL OF THE STORY:
Someone may come along and promise
Change“,
But don’t count on things smelling any better.
Attribution: Bev, Pat

Joke of the Day

Mr. Johnson was overweight, so his doctor put him on a diet.

He said, ““I want you to eat regularly for two days, then skip a day, and repeat this procedure for two weeks. The next time I see you, you should have lost at least five pounds.””

When Mr. Johnson returned, he shocked the doctor by having dropped almost twenty pounds.

“”Why, that’s amazing!” the doctor told him. “You did this just by following my instructions?””

The slimmed down Mr. Johnson nodded. ““I’ll tell you, though, I thought I was going to drop dead that third day.””

“”From hunger, you mean.””

““No”,” replied Mr. Johnson, “”from skipping”.

Joke of the Day

A newly appointed young preacher was contacted by the local
funeral director to hold a graveside service at a small
country cemetery.

There was to be no funeral, just the committal, because the
deceased had no family or friends left. The young pastor started early to
the cemetery, but soon lost his way.

After making several wrong turns, he finally arrived a
half-hour late. The hearse was no where in sight, and the workman were relaxing
under a nearby tree, eating their lunch. The pastor went to the open grave
and found that the vault lid was already in place. He took out his book and
read the service.

As he returned to his car, he overheard one of the workman
say, “Maybe we’d better tell him that’s a septic tank.”

Joke of the Day

A lady is running out of luck at the roulette table in a casino. She is left with only \\$500 and is absolutely desperate. She cries out, “This is the heights of bad luck! What in heaven’s name should I do now?”

A gentleman standing next to her, tries to console her and says, “Why don’t you just play your age?”

He goes away but in a short while, he hears some commotion and walks back to the roulette table. He is surprised to see the lady lying unconscious on the floor, while a crowd had gathered around her.

He asks the operator, “What happened to her? Is she ok?”

The operator replies, “I have no idea sir, she put all her money on 28. When 37 came up, she just fainted!”

Joke of the Day

Oldie but a Goodie:

Two campers where hiking in the forest when all of a sudden a bear jumps out of a bush and starts chasing them.

Both campers start running for their lives when one of them stops and starts to put on his running shoes.

His partner says, “What are you doing? You can’t outrun a bear!”

His friend replies, “I don’t have to outrun the bear, I only have to outrun you!”

 

Joke of the Day

A panda walks into a bar, sits down and orders a sandwich.

He eats the sandwich, pulls out a gun and shoots the waiter dead.

As the panda stands up to go, the bartender shouts, “Hey, Where are you going? You just shot my waiter and you didn’t pay for your sandwich!”

The panda yells back at the bartender, “Hey man, I’m a Panda! Look it up!”

The bartender opens his dictionary and sees the following definition for panda: “A tree-dwelling marsupial of Asian origin, characterized by distinct black and white coloring. Eats shoots and leaves.”