Joke of the Day

Three convicts were on the way to prison. They were each allowed to take one item with them to help them occupy their time whilst stuck behind bars. On the bus, one turned to another and said, “So, what did you bring?”

The second convict pulled out a box of paints and stated that he intended to paint anything he could. He wanted to become the “Grandma Moses of Jail.”

Then he asked the first, “What did you bring?”

The first convict pulled out a deck of cards and grinned and said, “I brought cards. I can play poker, solitaire and gin, and any number of games.”

The third convict was sitting quietly aside grinning to himself. The other two took notice and asked, “Why are you so smug? What did you bring?”

The guy pulled out a box of tampons and smiled. “I brought these.”

The other two were puzzled and asked, “What can you do with those?”

He grinned and pointed to the box and said, “Well according to the box, I can go horseback riding, swimming, roller-skating…”

Joke of the Day

There was this man who won a contest and got one free ticket to the Superbowl. He was so happy, but when he got to the stadium and found his seat he was somewhat disappointed. His ticket was for the last row, and it was way up in the rafters. He couldn’t see the game, so he began looking around.

Close to the field he saw an empty seat, so he decided to go down there. He reached the seat and asked the man next to the unoccupied seat if anyone was seating there.

The man replied, ‘No.’ So the guy sat down and struck up a conversation.

‘Who would have a seat right next to the field and not come?!?’

The man answers, ‘Oh, that was my wife’s seat.’

‘Where is she?’ the guy replied.

‘She died.’

‘Oh, I’m sorry … don’t you have anyone else to come with you, a brother, or friend?’

‘No, they couldn’t come.’

‘Why?’

‘Because they are at her funeral.

Joke of the Day

An elderly man in Boston calls his son in Los Angeles and says: “I hate to ruin your day, but I have to tell you that your mother and I are divorcing; 45 years of misery is enough.”
“Pop, what are you talking about?” the son screams.

“We can’t stand the sight of each other any longer,” the old man says: “We’re sick of each other, and I’m sick of talking about this, so you call your sister in St. Louis and tell her!” and he hangs up.

Frantic, the son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone. “Like hell they’re getting divorced,” she shouts: “I’ll take care of this.”

She calls her dad immediately, and screams at the old man: “You are NOT getting divorced! Don’t do a single thing until I get there. I’m calling my brother back, and we’ll both be there tomorrow. Until then, don’t do a thing, DO YOU HEAR ME?” and hangs up.

The old man hangs up his phone and turns to his wife. OK,” he says: “They’re coming home for the holidays and they’re paying their own airfares!”

Joke of the Day

Ralph and Edna were both patients in a mental hospital. One day while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool, Ralph suddenly jumped into the deep end.

He sank to the bottom of the pool and stayed there. Edna promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom and pulled him out.

When the Head Nurse Director became aware of Edna’s heroic act, she immediately ordered her to be discharged from the hospital, as she now considered her to be mentally stable.

When she went to tell Edna the news she said, ‘Edna, I have good news and bad news.

The good news is you’re being discharged, since you were able to respond rationally to a crisis by jumping in and saving the life of the person you love …. I have concluded that your act displays sound mindedness.

The bad news is, Ralph hung himself in the bathroom with his bathrobe belt right after you saved him.

I am so sorry, but he’s dead.’ Edna replied, ‘He didn’t hang himself, I put him there to dry.

How soon can I go home?’

Joke of the Day

My wife asked me to buy ORGANIC vegetables from the market. I went and looked around and couldn’t find any.

So I grabbed an old, tired looking employee and said, “These vegetables are for my wife. Have they been sprayed with any poisonous chemicals?”

“The produce guy looked at me and said, “No. You’ll have to do that yourself.”

Joke of the Day

Two blondes, Carol and Patty, were walking down the street. Carol noticed a makeup compact on the sidewalk and leaned down to pick it up.

She opened it, looked in the mirror and said, “Hmmm, this person looks familiar.” Patty said, “Let me look!” So Carol handed her the Compact. Patty looked in the mirror and said,”Of course she looks familiar you dummy, it’s me!

Joke of the Day

A man and his wife started out in the car after a quarrel. She sat in the back seat and continued to berate him for his faults.

In her excitement she pounded on the car door and it flew open. Several blocks later one of their neighbors flagged the man down.

“Your wife fell out of the car back there,” he said.

The man looked over at the back seat. “Thank goodness!” he said, “I thought I had lost my hearing!”

Joke of the Day

A devoted wife had spent her lifetime taking care of her husband. Now he had been slipping in and out of a coma for several months, yet she stayed by his bedside every single day.

When he came to senses, he motioned for her to come near him.

As she sat by him, he said, “You know what? You have been with me all through the bad times.

When I got fired, you were there to support me. When my business failed, you were there.

When I got shot, you were by my side. When we lost the house, you gave me support.

When my health started failing, you were still by my side. You know what?”

“What dear?” she asks gently.

“I think you’re bad luck.”

Joke of the Day

Little Tim was in the garden filling in a hole when his neighbor peered over the fence.

Interested in what the cheeky-faced youngster was up to, he politely asked, “What are you up to there, Tim?”

“My goldfish died,” replied Tim tearfully, without looking up, “and I’ve just buried him.”

The neighbor was concerned, “That’s an awfully big hole for a goldfish, isn’t it?”

Tim patted down the last heap of earth then replied, “That’s because he’s inside your stupid cat.”

Joke of the Day

CATHOLIC HORSES

A man was at the horse races playing the ponies, losing all but his shirt.

He noticed a Priest step out onto the track and blessed the forehead of
one of the horses lining up for the 4th race.

Lo and behold, that horse – a very long shot – won the race.

Next race, as the horses lined up, the Priest stepped onto the track.
Sure enough, he blessed one of the horses.

The man made a beeline for a betting window and placed a small bet
on the horse.  Again, even though it was another long shot, the horse
won the race.

He collected his winnings, and anxiously waited to see which horse the
Priest would bless next.

He bet big on it, and it won. As the races continued the Priest kept
blessing long shots, and each one ended up winning.

The man was elated. He made a quick dash to the ATM, withdrew all
his savings, and awaited for the Priest’s blessing that would tell him
which horse to bet on .

True to his pattern, the Priest stepped onto the track for the last
race and blessed the forehead of an old nag that was the longest shot
of the day.

This time the priest blessed the eyes, ears, and hooves of the old nag.
The man knew he had a winner and bet every cent he owned on the old
nag.

He watched dumbfounded as the old nag came in last. In a state of
shock, he went to the track area where the Priest was.

Confronting Him, he demanded, ‘Father! What happened? All day long you
blessed horses and they all won. Then in the last race, the horse you
blessed lost by a mile. Now, thanks to you I’ve lost every cent of my
savings!’.

The Priest nodded wisely and with sympathy.

‘Son,’ he said, ‘that’s the problem with you Protestants, you can’t
tell the difference between a simple blessing and last rites.’