Breaking News! by the Common Constitutionalist
This just in! Mitt Romney changes his mind regarding his choice of running mate. In a sudden turnabout, Romney turns his whole campaign on its head.
Paul Ryan is out. Romney said to an anonymous source, he wanted to go in another direction. He claimed to the source, he wanted to get away from the conservative policy man.
His new choice. Jesus Christ.
Immediately, the democrats sprang to action, with attack ads and pundits flooding the talk circuit. It’s as if they were tipped off prior to the announcement.
The first ad to hit network TV was of Mr. Christ pushing an old woman in a wheel chair over a cliff. When asked, Debbie Blabbermouth Shultz said she was unaware of any ties between the Obama White House and the Superpac that produced the ad. The Superpac claiming responsibility for the ad is relatively new. Not much is known of it. It does have a fairly lengthy name, so as do most of them , it has an acronym; WNPOAWPac. It evidently stands for, We are Not Part of the Obama Administration – We Promise.
A panel on MSNBC was convened in short order. Chris Matthews emphatically refuted the republican claims that the selection could cement the ticket thus saving the nation from almost certain destruction. Matthews was unconvinced, stating that there was only one true savior of mankind and he was already in the White house. If you looked closely, during that segment, it appeared Matthews leg actually shivered.
David Axelrod appeared on CNN carrying a fish and a loaf of bread. He publicly challenged the new VP selection to, “Go ahead, feed the masses. I dare you to try without the assistance of the Farm Bill that your party has held up in congress.”
Late Saturday on NBC news, Andrea Mitchell interviewed Joe Septic, a man who claimed Jesus Christ willingly and with malice, ruined his life. He stated that years ago he suffered from post traumatic stress. Joe stated, “It was severely debilitating and I was unable to function outside the home.” “From the war?”, asked Andrea. “No, Burger King, replied Mr. Septic. ” You see… this is really hard to relive.” “Take your time, added Andrea. Joe continued, “You see, years back I ordered a double cheeseburger, small fry and a vanilla shake. I picked up my order at the drive through and drove away. It seems they gave me a chocolate shake instead. I called 911. By the time the first responders arrived on the scene, it was too late. The damage to my mind had already been done.”
A few years later an acquaintance dragged Joe to an event with a relatively unknown motivational speaker. It turned out to be the new VP candidate, Jesus Christ. After the speech, Jesus went out into the crowd to interact with the attendees. Septic said, “Jesus approached me and laid his hand on my head saying he would make me whole again. I never asked him to do it. He just did it. As he walked away, my sanity returned.” Andrea said, ” And you never even asked him? How awful for you. And how did this encountered negatively affect you?” “Well, Ms. Mitchell, I lost all my government benefits and was forced to find a…a….a job.” Joe added, “I do not think Mr. Christ realizes what he did to me. Furthermore, I do not think Jesus Christ was concerned.”
Andrea Mitchell, known in some circles to be a woman, later reported that Romney’s pick of Jesus was a vote against all suburban moms. “I think that you’re going to see that they’ve decided that this is a base election. This is not a pick for suburban moms. This is not a pick for women. This is a pick for the base.” Evidently, this Jesus fellow is a pro-lifer.
So there you have it. A move sure to shake things up & according to the media, allow Obama to sail into a second term. For, of course, who in their right (or left) mind would vote for such a ticket.