from the Babylon Bee:
Live report from HELL—Emperor Nero was surprised and a little angered to learn that all he had to do to stop Christians from gathering was to declare a pandemic.
The infamous, oppressive ruler of Rome wasted a lot of energy trying to stop Christians from worshiping Jesus when all along, churches would apparently have just shut down voluntarily if he’d just told them there was a virus with a 99.7% recovery rate going around.
“I spent all this time persecuting Christians, burning them alive, and doing all kinds of horrible things to them — when all I had to do was tell them there was a national emergency and they would have dutifully complied,” he said as a demon poked him with a pitchfork. “It just seems like that approach would have been much more efficient. Think of all the time I would have saved for more drunken parties and debauchery. Ugh.”
“And who do I talk to about turning off the U2 music in here? It’s driving me nuts.”
Live report from WILMINGTON, DE—While President Donald Trump has told people to not be afraid of the novel coronavirus after becoming infected himself, presidential candidate Joe Biden has become even more terrified of getting sick after learning of one of the symptoms of COVID-19: loss of sense of smell.
“I want airtight seals around this basement!” Biden said as he crouched in the far corner of his basement lair. “Everyone must be screened before getting within 50 feet of me! No exceptions!”
The idea of not being able to smell has shaken Biden to his core, so much so that he’s trying desperately to find a way to get out of the debates so he won’t have to be near the recently sick Trump. “Just tell them I now agree with Trump on everything so there’s nothing to debate,” Biden said.
“If I can’t smell, I don’t know what I’ll do,” Biden told reporters as he stood behind plexiglass. “I’d sneak up behind people and… what? I’d have nothing left to live for.”
“What about being president and saving this country?” prompted a staffer in a full biohazard suit.
Biden shook his head. “Nothing left to live for.”