Todd Akin took his foot out of his mouth long enough to declare he is staying in the race! Evidently it’s the biggest story of the year. So big, President Obama had to come the podium to
capitalize speak on the topic.
“The One” has not given a press conference for at least a few months now. I guess there hasn’t been much of great import of which to speak. Until this earth-shattering news of Todd Akins dimwitted statements about rape & pregnancy. Maybe if his name was Todd Biden, he would get a pass.
So here we are, talking about some no-name senate candidate. But, hey, it’s a lot more important than say, the Chinese and Japanese in a rather heated argument over the ownership of the Senkaku/Diaoyu islands in the China Sea. The conflict has sparked huge protests in Sichuan province, China, with no resolution in sight. China and Japan aren’t exactly bossom buddies as it is. Their animosity for each other runs pretty deep already. What could possibly happen that’s any of our concern, I ask ya?
But hey, how about those tax returns of Mitt Romney? What’s he trying to hide, anyway? Knowing that the IRS doesn’t have any problem with him is immaterial. Sure, he’d be in prison for tax evasion if they did, but hey, it’s important and the American People want to know, I guess. It has to be more important than Egypt’s wonderfully democratic uprising, the “Arab Spring”, which has spawned an Islamic dictator in Mohammad Morsi that is now more powerful than the secular dictator they just threw out, Hosni Mubarak and is tied to the Muslim Brotherhood who’s intent is to destroy Israel. But hey, where are Romney’s tax returns. That’s what people want to know. I know it’s true because that’s what the dems and the press keep telling us.
We now know Obama’s favorite super power would be the power to speak every language. The president said he would “love to be able to speak any language,” even though “it might not come in handy to rescue folks from a burning building.” Obama says he’s a “big believer in making connections with people.” We know this because he told it to some bubbleheaded morning drive radio show hosts during a phone interview with KOB-FM in Albuquerque, N.M. We also learned he listens to Beyonce while working out. Hard hitting stuff, I know. Much more important than say, the Israel, Iran conflict. Prime Minister Netanyahu has all but guaranteed a strike on Iran nuclear facilities. But hey, how is that more important than Barack’s super power. We still don’t know what type of tree he would be. Maybe he’s saving that gem for his next hard-hitting interview.
Speaking of investigative journalism. Were we? Anyway, we find out Paul Ryan’s ex-girlfriend was black. I don’t know if she still is. Being that Ryan must be a racist, he probably took her to his lab in his parents basement to whiten her up. Kind of like One Hour Martinizing. If you’re a white racist, you know what I’m talkin bout. You know that knowledge is paramount relative to the economy.
This is what the American people must know. They certainly don’t need to know whether their house will be foreclosed. They’re unconcerned with the uneployment rate. They’re utterly disenchanted with potential taxmegeddon next year. Why would anyone care about such trivial things when there’s a Mormon vying for the Whitehouse. He’ll probably turn it into a temple. Those Mormons. We all know what their up to.
We all just want to know when Romney will release those darn tax returns and whether Joe Biden wears mismatched socks! All will be right with the world with that knowledge. You know this to be true.