Joke of the Day (3)

Church Billboards. We’ve all seen them. They mean well, but are sometimes filled with errors-a-plenty. Here are some great examples.

Third Installment 

Potluck supper Sunday at 5:00 PM – prayer and medication to follow.

 The ladies of the Church have cast off clothing of every kind. They
 may be seen in the basement on Friday afternoon.

 This evening at 7 PM there will be a hymn singing in the park across
 from the Church. Bring a blanket and come prepared to sin.

 Ladies Bible Study will be held Thursday morning at 10 AM . All ladies
 are invited to lunch in the Fellowship Hall after the B. S. Is done.

 The pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the Congregation would
 lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday.

 Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 PM . Please use
 the back door.

 The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare’s Hamlet in the
Church basement Friday at 7 PM . The congregation is invited to attend this tragedy.

 Weight Watchers will meet at 7 PM at the First Presbyterian Church.
 Please use large double door at the side entrance.

 The Associate Minister unveiled the church’s new campaign slogan last
Sunday: ‘I Upped My Pledge – Up Yours.

Assad will Not Step Down

BEIRUT – Lebanon’s Hezbollah said on Friday that Arab and international efforts to end the conflict in Syria have moved away from demanding that Syrian President Bashar Assad steps down and now appear focused on achieving political dialogue.

Hezbollah leader Hassan Nasrallah, a key Assad ally, said that rebels who have fought a year-long campaign to oust Assad were incapable of toppling him and that the option of foreign military intervention in Syria was a “closed subject.”

Hezbollah has relied on Syria as a main political backer and is also accused of using the country as a transit point for arms sent from its main bankroller, Iran.

The group has backed Assad’s crackdown on a mostly Sunni-lead uprising, which both blame on foreign-backed militants.

“Some people talked about the political option,” Nasrallah said, “but with conditions that equalled the fall of the regime, for example for President Assad to step down. I think the international and regional political climate today has passed this phase.”

Arab states, split over how to deal with the crisis in Syria that threatens to inflame the region’s sectarian faultlines, appear to have backed off their demand that Assad step aside.

The rebels also appear to have lost ground in the past month to Assad’s forces, who have crushed several opposition strongholds through sustained shelling campaigns.

“The armed opposition is incapable of toppling the regime,” Nasrallah said. “Therefore betting on military efforts to topple the regime is a losing gamble and the burden is too great: more bloodshed and loss of life and property, to no avail.”

More than 9,000 people have been killed by Assad’s forces, according to the United Nations, while Damascus says it has lost around 3,000 police and security forces.

Syria’s uprising, which began as peaceful protests, has grown increasingly bloody in recent months as armed civilians and army defectors began to bring the fight to Assad’s forces. But they are heavily outgunned by Assad’s military machine.

Nasrallah said some Arab efforts, led by Saudi Arabia and Qatar, to demand Assad’s ouster appear to have been dropped.

He pointed to the backing by an Arab summit on Thursday for a peace plan by UN-Arab League envoy Kofi Annan calling for a political solution to the crisis. Assad has said he accepts the plan but stipulates that the rebels must stop fighting.

Annan’s spokesman stressed on Friday that Assad’s forces should be the first to withdraw their troops and tanks, saying “the deadline is now”, but fighting continued.

Attribution: Jerusalem Post

Octogenarian Olympian

Meet Johanna Quaas, the lycra-donning granny whose muscular physique puts Madonna to shame.

At 86 Quass, of Halle, Saxony, would be forgiven for wanting to put her feet up, which she does – over her head that is.

And her gymnastic prowess is not the only trophy in her cabinet, she was once a member of the East German handball champion team, too.

The octogenarian showed off her skills at the 2012 Cottbus World Cup in Germany, where she wowed the crowd with her moves, performing an impressive parallel bar and floor demonstration.

Ultra flexible Quaas was a late starter, beginning her gymnastics training at the age of 30. But that hasn’t held her back.

More than fifty years on she still steals the show from her younger rivals, as a multiple time senior champion of artistic gymnastics in Germany.

As she performs routines with the balance, strength and flexibility of a 20-year-old, this geriatric granny could easily be a quarter of her age – were it not for her tell-tale curly bob of snow-white hair and specs balanced on her nose.

Joke of the Day (2)

Church Billboards. We’ve all seen them. They mean well, but are sometimes filled with errors-a-plenty. Here are some great examples.

Second Installment

 Next Thursday there will be tryouts for the choir. They need all the
 help they can get.

 A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall.
Music will follow..

 At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be ‘What Is
 Hell?’ Come early and listen to our choir practice.

Eight new choir robes are currently needed due to the addition of
 several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones.

 Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles and other items to be
 recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children.

 Please place your donation in the envelope along with the deceased
 person you want remembered..

The church will host an evening of fine dining, super entertainment
 and gracious hostility.

3D-Nanoprinting

Making complex 3D structures would normally take hours or even days to perfect.
But researchers from the Vienna University of Technology have sped that up considerably – and produced grain-of-sand sized objects such as bridges, cathedrals and Formula 1 cars.

It is thought that the world record for producing the nano-objects in the quickest time has been smashed.

The attention to detail is exquisite – and the craftsmanship is even more impressive when you appreciate the scale of the endeavour.

In the design of London’s Tower Bridge, for example, you can make out details in the roof-work of the tower, as well as the railings on the actual bridge.

The little Formula 1 car is just 0.028cm (0.011 in.) across – or to put it another way, less than a third of a millimeter.

So this tiny little motor could easily fit into the space of the period at the end of this sentence.

If that isn’t impressive enough, the Vienna Institute of Technology created the 100-layer nano-structure in just four minutes – a huge increase on previous technology.

The precision model uses a technique called two-photon lithography, which uses highly-focused light beams to manipulate, then harden resin molecules in exactly the right position.

The ‘two-photon’ part of the name refers to how the resin only hardens when two photon molecules hit it at the same time.

3D printing its still in its infancy, although commercial and even domestic printers are now hitting the market.

The technology opens up the exciting world of nano-technology to both industry and the public, with many applications in science and medicine.

For instance, in the future, you may be able to print out small items for your life – almost anything like cups or plates.

The medical applications are also significant. The technology has been trialled in dental work and bone reconstruction, with one lady having her jaw reconstructed via 3D printing following a bone infection.

But the standard replication method usually requires a model to be built up layer-by-layer, whereas the two-photon method can operate across the model at once.

Attribution: Mail Online

Face Lift for the Oat Man

The Quaker Oats man featured on the boxes of the popular oatmeal shed five pounds and now sports a more youthful look in the brand’s new logo to highlight its healthy products.

PepsiCo Inc, owner of the cereal company, also decided to give the jolly-faced character a haircut and broader shoulders so consumers can associate the image with ‘energy and healthy choices.’

The makeover of the rosy-cheeked man, known as ‘Larry’, is part of a new direction to make the 134-year-old brand ‘fresh and innovative.’

The new physique removes the man’s double chin.

The rolls and plumpness that made his face and neck look rounder were toned down so he can appear slimmer.

‘We took about five pounds off him,’ said Michael Connors, vice president of design at Hornall Anderson, which was in charge of the change.

The man’s shoulders have greater emphasis so Larry can be seen as a stronger, more vibrant image

His white hair, which dangles down from his top hat, is also shortened as a way to keep him looking thin.

The traditional logo featured Larry on a white background with his fuller face centered within a gold band.

The new image has the man in front of a two-toned red background so it ‘adds a sense of movement,’ according to Connors.

The company did not want to dramatically change Larry – instead opting for subtle differences – to keep the image consistent with consumers who are used to the old look.

Quaker Oats became a registered trademark in 1877 as a breakfast cereal. Owners Henry Seymour and William Heston wanted the products to be associated with good quality and honest value.

The company used an image of a man in “Quaker garb” to be connected with its products.

In 1922, the chubby-cheeked Larry was first prominent on the Quaker Quick Oats box.

His face would remain on the box for decades, including on labels of the oatmeal in 1995 when the company submitted a petition to the U.S. Food and Drug Administration to establish the first health claim for a specific food.

The oatmeal became the first to say on its label that the products help improve heart health.

Attribution: Mailonline

Look Mama, It’s the Devil!

And Now for the Rest… Of the Story:

Did Paul Harvey’s 1965 Broadcast “If I Were the Devil” Predict America’s Downfall?

by:

Paul Harvey Aurandt (1918–2009), better known as Paul Harvey, was America’s National Commentator. His listening audience was estimated, at its highest, to be around 24 million people a week. “Paul Harvey News was carried on 1,200 radio stations, 400 Armed Forces Network stations and 300 newspapers. His broadcasts and newspaper columns have been reprinted in the Congressional Record more than those of any other commentator.”

One of Paul Harvey’s most popular messages was the Christian classic “The Man and the Birds” based on a verse from the book of Job: “Ask the birds of the sky, and they will tell you” (12:7b).
Paul Harvey didn’t just report the news with his distinctive voice; he would always make the point that the news was reflective of society. You could take the pulse of America’s moral health by reading the daily newspaper.

In 1964, Paul Harvey wrote “If I Were the Devil.” Various versions of the article have appeared over time. I first heard about it from Glenn Beck’s show, but it’s been floating around the internet for some time.[1]
Before Paul Harvey wrote “If I Were the Devil,” the Italian Marxist Antonio Gramsci (1891–1937) explained the steps necessary for radicals to transform a nation without firing a shot:
[T]hey must enter into every civil, cultural and political activity in every nation, patiently leavening them all as thoroughly as yeast leavens bread. . . .[2] [This] would require a ‘long march through the institutions’ — the arts, cinema, theater, schools, colleges, seminaries, newspapers, magazines, and the new electronic medium [of the time], radio.”[3]

The following is the text from an audio version of Paul Harvey’s “If I were the Devil.” you can see that Gramsci was on target and his radical heirs were successful:
“If I were the devil, I wouldn’t be happy until I had seized the ripest apple on the tree — Thee. So I’d set about however necessary to take over the United States. I’d subvert the churches first — I would begin with a campaign of whispers. With the wisdom of a serpent, I would whisper to you as I whispered to Eve: ‘Do as you please. Do as you please.’

“To the young, I would whisper, ‘The Bible is a myth.’ I would convince them that man created God instead of the other way around. I would confide that what is bad is good, and what is good is ‘square.’ And the old, I would teach to pray. I would teach them to pray after me, ‘Our Father, which art in Washington…’

“And then I’d get organized. I’d educate authors on how to lurid literature exciting, so that anything else would appear dull and uninteresting. I’d threaten TV with dirtier movies and vice versa. I’d pedal narcotics to whom I could. I’d sell alcohol to ladies and gentlemen of distinction. I’d tranquilize the rest with pills.”

“If I were the devil I’d soon have families that war with themselves, churches that war with themselves, and nations that war with themselves; until each in its turn was consumed. And with promises of higher ratings I’d have mesmerizing media fanning the flames.”

“If I were the devil I would encourage schools to refine young intellects, and neglect to discipline emotions — just let those run wild, until before you knew it, you’d have to have drug sniffing dogs and metal detectors at every schoolhouse door.”

“Within a decade I’d have prisons overflowing, I’d have judges promoting pornography — soon I could evict God from the courthouse, and then the schoolhouse, and then from the houses of Congress. And in His own churches I would substitute psychology for religion, and deify science. I would lure priests and pastors into misusing boys and girls, and church money. If I were the devil I’d make the symbols of Easter an egg and the symbol of Christmas a bottle.”

“If I were the devil I’d take from those, and who have, and give to those wanted until I had killed the incentive of the ambitious. What do you bet I could get whole states to promote gambling as the way to get rich? I would question against extremes and hard work, and Patriotism, and moral conduct.”

 “I would convince the young that marriage is old-fashioned, that swinging more fun, that what you see on the TV is the way to be. And thus I could undress you in public, and I could lure you into bed with diseases for which there is no cure. In other words, if I were to devil I’d keep on doing on what he’s doing. Paul Harvey, good day.”

Notes:
1. I’m a little suspicious that the poor quality audio version might be a revised version done by someone else to make it sound like Paul Harvey. [↩]
2. Malachi Martin, The Keys of This Blood: The Struggle for World Dominion Between Pope John II, Mikhail Gorbachev and the Capitalist West (New York: Simon and Schuster, 1990), 245. [↩]
3. Patrick J. Buchanan, Death of the West: How Dying Populations and Immigrant Invasions Imperil Our Country and Civilization (New York: St. Martin’s Press/Thomas Dunne Books, 2001), 77. [↩]

It’s Windy up There

A huge tornado five times the size of Earth erupted on the sun’s surface, with superheated gases whirling at more than 100,000 miles per hour.

The tornado is up to two MILLION degrees celcius.

Dr. Huw Morgan, co-discoverer of the solar tornado, adds, ‘This unique and spectacular tornado must play a role in triggering global solar storms.’

‘This is perhaps the first time that such a huge solar tornado is filmed by an imager,’ says Dr. Xing Li, of Aberystwyth University.

Superheated gases as hot as 50,000 to 2,000,000  Kelvin (89,500 to 3,600,00F) were sucked from the root of a dense structure, called a prominence, and spiral up into the high atmosphere and travel about 200,000 kilometers (124,000 miles) for at least three hours.

 The tornadoes were observed on 25 September 2011.

The hot gases in the tornadoes have speeds as high as 300,000 km per hour (186,000 mph). Gas speeds of terrestrial tornadoes can reach 150 km/h (93 mph).

The tornadoes often occur at the root of huge coronal mass ejections. When heading toward the Earth, these coronal mass ejections can cause significant damage to the Earth’s space environment, satellites, even knock out the electricity grid.

The solar tornadoes drag winding magnetic field and electric currents into the high atmosphere. It is possible that the magnetic field and currents play a key role in driving the coronal mass ejections.

SDO (Solar Dynamics Observatory)was launched in February 2010. The satellite is orbiting the Earth in a circular, geosynchronous orbit at an altitude of 36,000 kilometers (22,360 miles).

It monitors constantly solar variations so scientists can understand the cause of the change and eventually have a capability to predict the space weather.

Attribution: Daily Mail

Joke of the Day (1)

Church Billboards. We’ve all seen them. They mean well, but are sometimes filled with errors-a-plenty. Here are some great examples.

 First installment 

The Fasting & Prayer Conference includes meals.

The sermon this morning: ‘Jesus Walks on the Water.’ The sermon
 tonight: ‘Searching for Jesus.’

 Ladies, don’t forget the rummage sale. It’s a chance to get rid of
 those things not worth keeping around the house. Bring your husbands.

 Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our community. Smile at
 someone who is hard to love. Say ‘Hell’ to someone who doesn’t care
 much about you.

Don’t let worry kill you off – let the Church help.

 Miss Charlene Mason sang ‘I will not pass this way again,’ giving
obvious pleasure to the congregation.

For those of you who have children and don’t know it, we have a
nursery downstairs.