Joke of the Day

These are actual quotes said by various sports figures.

Oiler coach Bum Phillips: When asked by Bob Costas why he takes his wife on all the road trips, Phillips responded, “Because she is too ugly to kiss goodbye.”

New Orleans Saint RB George Rogers when asked about the upcoming season:”I want to rush for 1,000 or 1,500 yards, whichever comes first.”

And, upon hearing Joe Jacoby of the ‘Skins say “I’d run over my own mother to win the Super Bowl,” Matt Millen of the Raiders said, “To win, I’d run over Joe’s mom too.”

Football commentator and former player Joe Theismann 1996: “Nobody in football should be called a genius. A genius is a guy like Norman Einstein.”

Senior basketball player at the University of Pittsburgh: “I’m going to graduate on time, no matter how long it takes.” Bill Peterson, a Florida State football coach: “You guys line up alphabetically by height.” and “You guys pair up in groups of three, then line up in a circle.”

Clemson recruit Ray Forsythe, who was ineligible as a freshman because of academic requirements: “I play football. I’m not trying to be a professor. The tests don’t seem to make sense to me, measuring your brain on stuff I haven’t been through in school.”

Boxing promoter Dan Duva on Mike Tyson hooking up again with promoter Don King: “Why would anyone expect him to come out smarter? He went to prison for three years, not Princeton.”

Stu Grimson, Chicago Blackhawks left wing, explaining why he keeps a color photo of himself above his locker: “That’s so when I forget how to spell my name, I can still find my fucking clothes.”

Shaquille O’Neal on whether he had visited the Parthenon during his visit to Greece: “I can’t really remember the names of the clubs that we went to.”

Shaquille O’Neal, on his lack of championships: “I’ve won at every level, except college and pro.”

Lou Duva, veteran boxing trainer, on the Spartan training regime of heavyweight Andrew Golota: “He’s a guy who gets up at six o’clock in the morning regardless of what time it is.”

Pat Williams, Orlando Magic general manager, on his team’s 7-27 record: “We can’t win at home. We can’t win on the road.. As general manager, I just can’t figure out where else to play.”

All tied in Knots

(Gotta get this done. Pats are on tonight)

Representative Maxine Waters, who proudly serves the 35th district of California is in a bit of a quandary. She’s quite angry with her President but isn’t sure she can really show it. She told a Detroit crowd this week that members of her Congressional Black Caucus are hesitant to criticize President Barack Obama because they feel they may lose support from the black community. Ms. Waters said, “We do not put pressure on the president because y’all love the president”. That’s rather spineless, if you ask me. She goes on to say, “You are very proud to have a black man as president for the very first time in the history of the United States of America. If we go after the president too hard, you are going after us.” Waters then adds, “The Congressional Black Caucus loves the president, too. We’re supportive of the president, but we’re getting tired. We’re getting tired. The unemployment is unconscionable. We don’t know what the strategy is. We don’t know why on this trip that he’s in the United States now, he’s not in any black community.” The U-3 unemployment rate in July was 9.1%, with about 14 million Americans out of work. But the unemployment rate for blacks is 15.9%, according to the Bureau of Labor Statistics. The real number, the U-6, is at least double. Now that’s a scary number. I actually agree with Ms. Waters on 2 points. The unemployment rate is unconscionable & we don’t know what his strategy is either. Actually, I know what his strategy is. Cloward & Piven. Also, he doesn’t feel the need to visit any “black community”. He knows they’re not going anywhere. They’re locked up.

I guess I was under the misimpression that Congress is suppose to work for the people in their districts & not worry about our black President.

Obama did respond saying, ” I cannot pass laws that say I’m just helping black folks”. True, but how about an executive order? He likes those.

As much as I hate the situation our country is in, it is kinda fun watching these disheartened hacks squirm.

Just a Joke

A man is stranded on a desert island, all alone for ten years. One day, he sees a speck in the horizon. He thinks to himself, “It’s not a ship.” The speck gets a little closer and he thinks, “It’s not a boat.” The speck gets even closer and he thinks, “It’s not a raft.” Then, out of the surf comes this gorgeous blonde woman, wearing a wet suit and scuba gear. She comes up to the guy and says, “How long has it been since you’ve had a cigarette?”

“Ten years!”, he says.

She reaches over and unzips a waterproof pocket on her left sleeve and pulls out a pack of fresh cigarettes.

He takes one, lights it, takes a long drag, and says, “Man, oh man! Is that good!”

Then she asked, “How long has it been since you’ve had a drink of whiskey?”

He replies, “Ten years!”

She reaches over, unzips her waterproof pocket on her right sleeve, pulls out a flask and gives it to him.

He takes a long swig and says, “Wow, that’s fantastic!”

Then she starts unzipping a longer zipper that runs down the front of her wet suit and she says to him, “And how long has it been since you’ve had some real fun?”

And the man replies, “Wow! Don’t tell me that you’ve got golf clubs in there!”

Oooh, SNAP!

Let the jobs flow. Obama’s AG Secretary Tom Vilsack Has discovered a new stimulus. As if unemployment checks didn’t stimulate the economy enough. Now foodstamps or SNAP (Supplemental Nutrition Assistance Program) will add even more jobs? Fantastic! (Definition of fantastic: conceived or appearing as if conceived by an unrestrained imagination; odd and remarkable; bizarre). Sounds apropos.

You know those kiosks in the mall that sell sunglasses & jewelry. I say we have foodstamp kiosks. If you’re unemployed, all the better. At the kiosk you will receive foodstamps & a universal, government approved job application. The applications will, of course, be in 97 different languages. Wouldn’t want to discriminate. Fill out the application & take it & the foodstamps to a store that accepts them. Use the foodstamps to purchase whatever you need & hand them the application. They will be so overwhelmed with the additional workload, they’ll hire you on the spot. Easy peasy.

Oh, I forgot. Think of all the extra government jobs created by people having to man the kiosks. Just keeps getting better. We’re on the road to fat city!

Our Savior

Rick Perry, Governor of Texas, enters the race to be the republican nominee for President. The anticipation was palpable. Perry, the savior of the party, has vaulted into lead by a wide margin. This sounds eerily familiar. Does the name Colin Powell ring a bell. Several years ago Powell’s name was mentioned by many to run as a republican for President. His approval numbers were quite high. Problem was, no one knew anything about his politics. People just blindly jumped on his bandwagon. Turns out he was a hack. Have we learned anything? Evidently not.

I don’t for a moment think Perry is as liberal as Powell. Not by a long shot. But he doesn’t appear to be the constitutional conservative I crave. In 2001, when he first took office as Governor of Texas, Perry went to Mexico. He boasted that his state was now the first to grant “the children of undocumented workers” (illegal aliens) in-state tuition for Texas colleges. It was the Texas Dream Act. Hooray! A group I follow called Numbers USA, an anti-illegal immigration group gives Perry a grade of D-. Not good.

In 2007 Perry issued an executive order (more like executive odor) mandating a vaccine for girls entering 6th grade to prevent a virus that causes cervical cancer. You may remember it. I’m not a big fan of government mandates of any kind. I’m the parent. I decide. Recently he did admit that was a mistake. Not that it was wrong to do it but because he didn’t realize the great opposition to it. Another good sign.

He used to be a democrat & was actually Al Gore’s Texas campaign manager in 1988. Al didn’t fare very well.

He almost doubled his state spending in ten years.

There is more, but for me, that’s enough. I will not support a big government republican again. So far it’s Michelle Bachmann. She is as close as I’m going to get to what I want. No more Bushs, Doles, McCains, Huntsmans, Romneys. I’m done. And don’t give me that, she’s unelectable crap!! She’s only unelectable if you listen to the media & the progressive republicans. They hate her because she will sap their power. Let’s not compromise this time. It’s too damn important.

Let’s Slow the Game (even more)

Over the years the pace of NFL games has been slower & slower. Stoppages for everything short of bathroom breaks & mid-game nappy time. Now the league geniuses, in an effort to cleanse the game of any possible human error, have mandated that every scoring play be reviewed. I understood the rule to be a simple booth review unless there is a question. At such time the booth official would buzz the head ref. He would then go under the dreaded hood to look at the play for what feels like forever. After watching the games this past week it seems every play was booth reviewed. Ridiculous! As a fan, I think this stinks. It disrupts the flow of the game & will potentially take away the momentum from a team. It will also free up coaches to throw the infamous “Red Flag” on much less consequential plays. No more will coaches have to worry about challenging a called score. Automatic review under 2 minutes, I get. But every scoring play? Come on! Just play the game.