UPS Driver on The Stay-at-Home Quarantine

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Lately everything I, and frankly everyone else, has posted has had something to do with Covid-19, the coronavirus. And everything on this all-encompassing subject has been … well … let’s just say … rather sobering.

So rather than continue down this rabbit hole of despair, I thought I’d break up the monotony with a little humor, provided by buddy Fred.

From an anonymous UPS delivery driver: The five types of customers since the Coronavirus Stay-at-Home Quarantine:

1) Steve:
He has been waiting for this moment his whole life. He has been drinking boilermakers since 10:00 am in his recliner and his AR is within arms reach. He has six months provisions in the basement and a bug out bag due west buried in the woods. Steve demands a handshake as I give him his package. He’s sizing me up as I deliver his ammo.

Steve will survive this and he will kill you if he needs to.

2) Brad:
He is standing at his window wearing skinny jeans and a Patagonia t-shirt. He is mad because there were no organic tomatoes at Whole Foods today. He points at the ground where he has taped a 6 foot “no go zone” line from his porch. I leave his case of Fuji water, organic granola bites and his new “Biden Bro” hat at the tape.

Brad will not survive.
Steve will probably eat him.

3) Nancy:
She has sprayed everything with Thieves oil. Bought all the Clorox wipes, hand sanitizer, toilet paper, meat and bread from the local grocery chain. She has quarantined her kids and sprays them with a mixture of thieves, lavender and mint essential oils daily. She has posted every link known to man about “The Corona” on her social media. She will spray you if you break the 6 foot rule. I will leave her yet another case of toilet paper.

She will last longer than Brad, but not Steve.

4) Karen:
She has called everybody and read them the latest news on “The Corona”. She asked for the manager at Food Lion, Walmart, Publix, McDonalds, Chi-Fil-A and Vons all before noon demanding more toilet paper bottled water and sanitizing wipes. Karen’s kids are currently faking “The Corona” to avoid her. I’m delivering “Hello Kitchen” to her.

Karen will not survive longer than Brad.

5) Mary:
Is sitting in the swing watching her kids have a water balloon fight in the front yard as she is on her fourth glass of wine. She went to the store and bought two cases of pop tarts, six boxes of cereal, eight bags of pizza rolls and a six roll pack of toilet paper. There is a playlist of Bob Marley, Pink Floyd and Post Malone playing in the background. I’m bringing her second shipment of 15 bottles of wine in three days.

Mary will survive and marry Steve.
Together they will repopulate the earth.

Attribution: Fred

About the Common Constitutionalist

Brent, aka The Common Constitutionalist, is a Constitutional Conservative, and advocates for first principles, founders original intent and enemy of progressives. He is former Navy, Martial Arts expert. As well as publisher of the Common Constitutionalist blog, he also is a contributing writer for Political Outcast, Godfather Politics, Minute Men News (Liberty Alliance), Freedom Outpost, the Daily Caller, Vision To America and Free Republic. He also writes an exclusive weekly column for World Net Daily (WND).