1) One day the 
school principal was talking to Little Johnny’s teacher about his behavior, when all of a sudden Johnny comes running down the hallway.
The principal stops Johnny and asks him, “Why are you running?”
Little Johnny says, “Im keeping two kids from fighting, sir.”
“Who?” asked the principal.
“Me and the kid chasing me!” and off he went.
2) Actual Police Quotes:
“The handcuffs are tight because they’re new. They’ll stretch out after you wear them awhile.”
“If you run, you’ll only go to jail tired.”
“So, you don’t know how fast you were going. I guess that means I can write anything I want on the ticket, huh?”
“Yes sir, you can talk to the shift supervisor, but I don’t think it will help. Oh, did I mention that I am the shift supervisor?”
“The answer to this last question will determine whether you are drunk or not. Was Mickey Mouse a cat or dog?”
“Yeah, we have a quota. Two more tickets and my wife gets a toaster oven.”
“Life’s tough, it’s tougher if you’re stupid.”
“Just how big were those two beers?
