Cop: “Please step out of the car”
Me: “I’m too drunk. You get in.”
If you’re sitting in public and a stranger takes the seat next to you, just stare straight ahead and say
“Did you bring the money?”
When you ask me what I am doing today, and I say “nothing,” it does not mean I am free. It means I am doing nothing.
I finally got eight hours of sleep. It took me three days, but whatever.
I hate when a couple argues in public, and I missed the beginning and don’t know whose side I’m on.
Attribution: Fred
