I met this fellow at the Summer Olympics. I said to him, “Excuse me but are you a pole vaulter?”
He replied, “No, I’m German, but how did you know my name was ‘Walter’.”
If attacked by a mob of clowns, go for the juggler.
Tip of the Day: Fart when people hug you. You’ll make them feel strong.
There are three kinds of people in the world. Those that can count and those that can’t.
Grandpa: In my day, we worked three times as hard!
Me: In your day, soda had cocaine in it.
The dentist told me I need to be more aggressive when I floss, so I have decided to start growling.
Q: How many mystery writers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Two. One to screw it almost all the way in and the other to give it a surprising twist at the end.
A father was trying to teach his young son the evils of alcohol. He put one worm in a glass of water and another worm in a glass of whiskey. The worm in the water lived, while the one in whiskey curled up and died.
“All right, son.” asked the father, “what does that show you?”
“Well, Dad, it shows that if you drink alcohol, you will not have worms.”
Q: How is a dog and a marine biologist alike?
A: One wags a tail and the other tags a whale.