CALLER: Is this Krusty’s Pizza?
GOOGLE: No sir, it’s Google Pizza.
CALLER: I must have dialed a wrong number. Sorry.
GOOGLE: No sir, Google bought Krusty’s Pizza last month.
CALLER: Okay, I would like to order a pizza.
GOOGLE: Do you want your usual, sir?
CALLER: My usual? You know me?
GOOGLE: According to our caller ID data sheet, the last 12 times you
called you ordered an extra-large pizza with three cheeses, sausage,
pepperoni, mushrooms and meatballs on a thick crust.
CALLER: Okay, that’s what I want.
GOOGLE: May I suggest that this time you order a pizza with ricotta,
arugula, sun-dried tomatoes and olives on a whole wheat gluten-free thin
CALLER: What? I detest vegetables.
GOOGLE: Your cholesterol is not good, sir.
CALLER: How the heck do you know?
GOOGLE: Well, we cross-referenced your home phone number with your
medical records. We have the result of your blood tests for the last
CALLER: Okay, but I do not want your rotten vegetable pizza! I already
take medication for my cholesterol.
GOOGLE: Excuse me sir, but you have not taken your medication regularly.
According to our database, you only purchased a box of 30 cholesterol
tablets once, at Drug RX Network, four months ago.
CALLER: I bought more from another drugstore.
GOOGLE: That doesn’t show on your credit card statement.
CALLER: I paid in cash.
GOOGLE: But you did not withdraw enough cash according to your bank
CALLER: I have other sources of cash.
GOOGLE: That doesn’t show on your last tax return unless you bought them
using an undeclared income source, which is against the law.
CALLER: WHAT THE HECK?
GOOGLE: I’m sorry, sir, we use such information only with the sole
intention of helping you.
CALLER: Enough already! I’m sick to death of Google, Facebook, Twitter,
Apps and all the others. I’m going to an island without internet, cable
TV, where there is no cell phone service and no one to watch me or spy
GOOGLE: I understand sir, but you need to renew your passport first. It
expired six weeks ago …