Joke of the Day

A taxi passenger tapped the driver on the shoulder to ask him a question.

The driver screamed, lost control of the car, nearly hit a bus, went up on the footpath, and stopped inches from a shop window.

For a second, everything was quiet in the cab, then the driver said, “Look mate, don’t ever do that again. You scared the living daylights out of me!”

The passenger apologized and said, “I didn’t realize that a little tap would scare you so much.”

The driver replied, “Sorry, it’s not really your fault. Today is my first day as a cab driver – I’ve been driving a funeral van for the last 25 years.”

Joke of the Day

Feel free to groan:

When Mozart passed away, he was buried in a churchyard. A couple of days later, the town drunk was walking through the cemetery and heard some strange noise coming from the area where Mozart was buried.

Terrified, the drunk ran and got the priest to come and listen to it. The priest bent close to the grave and heard some faint, unrecognizable music coming from the grave. Frightened, the priest ran and got the town magistrate.

When the magistrate arrived, he bent his ear to the grave, listened for a moment, and said, “Ah, yes, that’s Mozart’s Ninth Symphony, being played backwards.”

He listened a while longer, and said, “There’s the Eighth Symphony, and it’s backwards, too. Most puzzling.”

So the magistrate kept listening; “There’s the Seventh… the Sixth… the Fifth…”

Suddenly the realization of what was happening dawned on the magistrate; he stood up and announced to the crowd that had gathered in the cemetery, “My fellow citizens, there’s nothing to worry about.

It’s just Mozart decomposing.”

Joke of the Day

A 4-year-old, Sammy was asked to give thanks before Sunday dinner? The family members bowed their heads in expectation, and he began his prayer:

“Thank you God for all my friends: Joey, an’ Susan, an’ Billy, an’ Tommy,” and on and on he went, naming each friend one by one.

Next he thanked God for Mommy, Daddy, brother, sister, Grandma, Grandpa, and all his aunts and uncles.

Finally he got to the food.

“Thank you God for the turkey, an’ the dressing, an’ the fruit salad, an’ the pies, an’ the Cool Whip…”

And then he paused.

The pause was quite long and all eyes were focused on young Sammy with his head still bowed in prayer.

Finally as his Father was about to interject an “Amen”, Sammy looked up at his mother and asked, “If I thank God for the brussel sprouts, won’t he know that I’m lying?”

Joke of the Day

An Illinois man left the snowfilled streets of Chicago for a vacation in Florida.

His wife was on a business trip and was planning to meet him there the next day. When he reached his hotel, he decided to send his wife a quick e-mail.

Unable to find the scrap of paper on which he had written her new e-mail address, he did his best to type it in from memory.

Unfortunately, he missed one letter, and his note was directed instead to an elderly preacher’s wife whose husband had passed away only the day before.

When the grieving widow checked her e-mail, she took one look at the monitor, let out a piercing scream, and fell to the floor dead.

At the sound, her family rushed into the room and saw this note on the screen:

Dearest Wife,

Just got checked in. Everything prepared for your arrival tomorrow.

Your Loving Husband.

P.S. Sure is hot down here.

I’m Givin You all She’s Got, Captain!

Star Trek’s ‘warp drive’ is portrayed as a safe, easy way to travel from galaxy to galaxy, barring occasional hiccups with the dilithium crystals.

But scientists warn that the reality of faster than light drives might be rather different, after simulating what a ‘real’ warp drive might do.

“Any people at the destination would be gamma ray and high energy particle-blasted into oblivion,” claims a new paper by University of Sydney physicists.

However ‘boldly’ Captain Kirk might go, he would arrive at a series of dead, sterilized solar systems and the TV series would have made considerably less interesting viewing.

The physicists analyzed how matter might behave around a theoretical ‘warp drive’ known as an Alcubierre drive.

The simulation found that particles would cluster lethally around the bubble in space-time used to ‘jump’ through space.

The real problems start when the Enterprise hits the brakes.

“The region of space in front of a ship decelerating from superluminal velocity to subluminal velocity is blasted with a concentrated beam of extremely high energy particles,” say the physicists.

The Alcubierre (warp) drive is a theoretical, faster-than-light drive, dreamt up by physicist Miguel Alcubierre in 1994, where a bubble of ‘negative energy’ around a craft expands space and time behind it, while compressing space in front of it.

The drive could make faster-than-light travel possible, at least in theory. But it now seems that it would also be very unwise.

“Interestingly, the energy burst released upon arriving at the destination does not have an upper limit,” said the University of Sydney’s Brendan McGonigal.

“You can just keep on traveling for longer and longer distances to increase the energy that will be released as much as you like. It’s one of the odd effects of General Relativity.

 Unfortunately, even for very short journeys the energy released is so large that you would completely obliterate anything in front of you.”

Since Mankind has yet to unlock the secrets of faster-than-light travel, it might seem odd that ‘serious’ physicists might be researching ‘warp drives’ at all, but the research warns of what COULD happen.

No fear though. Creating a bubble of negative energy is also currently impossible, so we won’t be hitting ‘Warp Factor Ten’ for some time anyway, regardless of the possible consequences.

Attribution: Daily Mail

 

Joke du Jour

A man traveling by plane was in urgent need of a restroom facility. But each time he tried, it was occupied. The flight attendant, aware of his predicament, suggested he use the attendant’s ladies room, but cautioned him not to press any of the buttons.

There next to the paper roll were four buttons marked: WW WA PP ATR.

Making the mistake soooo many men make of not listening to a woman, he disregarded what she said when his curiosity got the best of him.

He carefully pressed the WW button and immediately a gentle flush of Warm Water sprayed on his bare bottom. He thought “Wow” these gals really have it nice!!

So a little more boldly he pressed the WA button and body temperature Warm Air blew across his wet bottom and dried it comfortably.

“Aha” he thought, “no wonder these women take so long in the bathroom with these kinds of services!”

So he pushed the next button PP with anticipation. A soft disposable Powder Puff swung below him and dusted his bottom lightly with talc.

“Man, this is great,” he thought as he reached out for the ATR button. When he awoke in the hospital, the morphine was just wearing off…confused he buzzed the nurse to find out what happened.
He explained the last thing he remembered was intense pain in the ladies room on the plane.

The nurse explained, “Yes, you must have been having a great time until you pushed the Automatic Tampon Removal button.”

Joke du Jour

A first grade teacher collected well known proverbs. She gave each child in her class the first half of a proverb and asked them to come up with the remainder of the proverb. It’s hard to believe these were actually done by first graders. Their insight may surprise you. While reading these keep in mind that these are first graders, 6 year-olds, because the last one is a classic!

Better to be safe than……………………………punch a 5th grader
Strike while the ………………………………..bug is close
It’s always darkest before………………………..Daylight Saving Time
Never underestimate the power of…………………..termites
You can lead a horse to water but………………….how?
Don’t bite the hand that………………………….looks dirty
No news is………………………………………impossible
A miss is as good as a……………………………Mr.
You can’t teach an old dog new…………………….math
If you lie down with dogs, you’ll………………….stink in the morning
Love all, trust………………………………….me
The pen is mightier than the………………………pigs
An idle mind is………………………………….the best way to relax
Where there’s smoke there’s……………………….pollution
Happy the bride who………………………………gets all the presents
A penny saved is…………………………………not much
Two’s company, three’s……………………………the Musketeers
Don’t put off till tomorrow what…………………..you put on to go to bed
Laugh and the whole world laughs with you, cry and…..you have to blow your nose
There are none so blind as………………………..Stevie Wonder
Children should be seen and not……………………spanked or grounded
If at first you don’t succeed……………………..get new batteries
You get out of something only what you……………..see in the picture on the box
When the blind leadeth the blind…………………..get out of the way
Better late than…………………………………pregnant

Joke of the Day

A Burley Biker is riding his Harley by the zoo in Washington, DC when he sees a little girl leaning into the lion’s cage.


Suddenly, the lion grabs her by the cuff of her jacket and tries to pull her inside to slaughter her, under the eyes of her screaming parents.  


The biker jumps off his Harley, runs to the cage and hits the lion square on the nose with a powerful punch.


Whimpering from the pain the lion jumps back letting go of the girl, and the biker brings her
to her terrified parents, who thank him endlessly.


A reporter has watched the whole event. The reporter addressing the Harley rider says, “Sir, this was the most gallant and brave thing I’ve seen a man do in my whole life.”

 
The Harley rider replies, “It was nothing really, the lion was behind bars. I just saw this little kid in danger and acted accordingly.”


The reporter says, “Well, I’ll make sure this won’t go unnoticed. I’m a journalist, and tomorrow’s paper will have this story on the front page…So, what do you do for a living and what is your political affiliation?”


The biker replies, “I’m a U.S. Marine and a Conservative.”


The journalist leaves.


The following morning the biker buys the paper to see news of his actions, and there on the front page is:

U.S. MARINE ASSAULTS
AFRICAN IMMIGRANT
AND STEALS
HIS LUNCH