Joke of the Day

An Israeli doctor says: “Medicine in my country is so advanced that we can take a kidney out of one man, put it in another, and have him looking for work in 6 weeks.

“A British doctor says: “That is nothing; we can take a lung out of one person, put it in another, and have him looking for work in 4 weeks.”

A Canadian doctor says: “In my country, medicine is so advanced that we can take half a heart out of one person, put it in another, and have them both looking for work in 2 weeks.

“An American doctor, not to be outdone, says: “You guys are way behind…… We took a man with NO brain, made him President, and now the whole country is looking for work.

Joke of the Day

Be Prepared to Groan

A Russian weatherman named Rudolph and his wife are sitting at their kitchen table, which is next to the window. Since he’s Russian, people affectionately call him “Rudolph the Red.”

Rudolph looked out the window and said to his wife, “Oh look honey, it’s raining outside.”

His wife looks out as well and says, “No, I think that is snow.”

He looks at her and says, “Rudolph the Red knows rain dear.”

Yeah, I know, UGH!

Joke of the Day

A sailor meets a pirate in a bar, and take turns boasting of their adventures on the high seas. The sailor notes that the pirate has a peg-leg, hook, and an eyepatch.

The sailor asks “So, how did ye end up with the peg-leg?”

The pirate replies “We were in a storm at sea, and I was swept overboard into a school of sharks. Just as me men were pulling me out a shark bit me leg off.”

“Wow!” said the sailor. “What about your hook”?

“Well…”, replied the pirate, “While me men and I were plundering in the middle east, I was caught stealing from a merchant and the punishment for theft in the middle east is the loss of the hand that steals”

“Incredible!” remarked the sailor. “How did ye get the eyepatch”?

“A sea gull dropping fell into me eye.”, replied the pirate.

“You lost your eye to a sea gull dropping?” the sailor asked incredulously.

“Well…”, said the pirate, “..it was me first day with the hook.”

Joke of the Day

A man is driving down a deserted stretch of highway when he notices a sign out of the corner of his eye…

It reads:

SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION… 10 MILES

He thinks this is a FIGMENT OF HIS IMAGINATION, and drives on….
Soon, he sees another sign, which reads:

SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION… 5 MILES

Suddenly, he begins to realize that these signs are FOR REAL, and drives
past a third sign, saying:

SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION… NEXT RIGHT

His CURIOSITY gets the best of him, and he pulls into the drive…

On the far side of the parking lot is a stone building, with a small sign
next to the door, reading:

SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS

He climbs the steps, and rings the bell…

The door is answered by a Nun, in a long black habit, who asks, “What may
we do for you, my Son?”

He responds, “I saw your signs, along the highway, and was interested in
possibly doing business…”

“Very well, my Son. Please follow me.” He is led, through many winding
passages, and is soon quite disoriented.

The Nun stops at a closed door and tells the man, “Please knock, on this
door.”

He does so and another Nun in a long habit, holding a tin cup, answers
the door…

This nun instructs, “Please place $100, in the cup; then go
through the large wooden door, at the end of the hallway.”

He puts $100 in the cup, eagerly trots down the hall, and slips through
the door, pulling it shut behind him.

The door locks, and he finds himself back in the parking lot facing
another sign:

GO IN PEACE.
YOU HAVE JUST BEEN SCREWED BY THE SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS.
SERVES YOU RIGHT, YOU SINNER!

Attribution: Bev

Trip to the Doctor

There’s nothing worse than a Doctor’s Receptionist who insists on full diclosier of your ailment in a room full of other patients.

A 75-year-old man walked into his doctors office. He entered the crowded waiting room and approached the reception desk.

The Receptionist said, “Yes sir, what are you seeing the Doctor for today?”

“There’s something wrong with my penis”, he replied.

The receptionist became irritated and said, “You shouldn’t come into a crowded waiting room and say things like that.”

“Why not, you asked me what was wrong and I told you,” he said.

The Receptionist replied; “Now you’ve caused some embarrassment in this room full of people.”

“You should have said something like, there is problem with my ear or something and discussed the condition further with the Doctor in private.”

The man replied, “You shouldn’t ask people questions in a roomful of strangers if the answer could embarrass anyone.”

The man walked out, waited several minutes, and then re-entered.

The Receptionist smiled smugly and asked, “Yes?”

“There’s something wrong with my ear,” he stated.

The Receptionist nodded approvingly and smiled, knowing he had taken her advice.
“And what is wrong with your ear, Sir?”

“I can’t pee out of it,” he replied.

The waiting room erupted in laughter.

Attribution: Bev

A Touching Christmas Tale

A married couple had been out Christmas shopping at the mall for most of the afternoon.

Suddenly, the wife realized that her husband had disappeared.


The somewhat irate spouse called her mate’s cell phone and demanded: “Where the hell are you?”

Husband: “Darling do you remember that jewelry shop where you saw that diamond necklace? You totally fell in love with it. I didn’t have the
money at that time and said, Baby, it’ll be yours one day?”

Wife, with a smile blushing: “Yes, I remember that my Love.”

Husband: “Well, I’m in the bar next to that shop.”

Attribution: Greg

Joke of the Day

And lo, in the year 2011, the Lord came unto Noah, who was now living in the United States, and said:

“Once again, the earth has become wicked and over-populated, and I see the end of all flesh before me.”

“Build another Ark and save two of every living thing along with a few good humans.”

He gave Noah the blueprints, saying, “You have 6 months to build the ark before I will start the unending rain for 40 days and 40 nights.”

Six months later, the Lord looked down and saw Noah weeping in his yard, but there was no ark.

“Noah! I’m about to start the rain! Where is the ark?”

“Forgive me, Lord,” begged Noah, “but things have changed.”

“I needed a building permit.”

“I’ve been arguing with the inspector about the need for a sprinkler system.”

“My neighbors claim that I’ve violated the neighborhood zoning laws by building the ark in my yard and exceeding the height limitations. We had to go to the Development Appeal Board for a decision.”

“Then the Department of Transportation demanded a bond be posted for the future costs of moving power lines and other overhead obstructions, to clear the passage for the ark’s move to the sea. I told them that the sea would be coming to us, but they would hear nothing of it.”

“Getting the wood was another problem. There’s a ban on cutting local trees in order to save the spotted owl.”

“I tried to convince the environmentalists that I needed the wood to save the owls, but no go!”

“When I started gathering the animals, an animal rights group sued me. They insisted that I was confining wild animals against their will. They argued the accommodations were too restrictive, and it was cruel and inhumane to put so many animals in a confined space.”

“Then the EPA ruled that I couldn’t build the ark until they’d conducted an environmental impact study on your proposed flood.”

“I’m still trying to resolve a complaint with the Human Rights Commission on how many minorities I’m supposed to hire for my building crew.”

“Immigration and Naturalization are checking the green-card status of most of the people who want to work.”

“The trades unions say I can’t use my sons. They insist I have to hire only Union workers with ark-building experience.

“To make matters worse, the IRS seized all my assets, claiming I’m trying to leave the country illegally with endangered species.”

“So, forgive me, Lord, but it would take at least 10 years for me to finish this Ark.”

Suddenly, the skies cleared, the sun began to shine, and a rainbow stretched across the sky.

Noah looked up in wonder and asked, “You mean you’re not going to destroy the world?”

“No,” said the Lord. “The government beat me to it.”