Joke du Jour

A couple drove several miles down a country road, not saying a word.

An earlier discussion had led to an argument, and neither wanted to concede their position.

As they passed a barnyard of mules and pigs, the wife sarcastically asked, “relatives of yours?”

“Yep,” the husband replied, “In-laws.”

Joke of the Day

Actual Newspaper Headlines:

Red Tape Holds Up New Bridge

Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers

Squad Helps Dog Bite Victim

Enraged Cow Injures Farmer with Ax

Checkout Counter Killer Sentenced to Die for Second Time in 10 Years

If Strike isn’t Settled Quickly, It May Last a While

Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures

Man Struck by Lightning Faces Battery Charge

Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead

New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group

British Union Finds Dwarfs in Short Supply

Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half

Hospitals are Sued by 7 Foot Doctors

Some Pieces of Rock Hudson Sold at Auction

Sex Education Delayed, Teachers Request Training

Man Minus Ear Waives Hearing

Deaf College Opens Doors to Hearing

Above Average

A four-year-old girl has been accepted into Mensa with an IQ almost as high as Stephen Hawking and Albert Einstein.

Brainy Heidi Hankins – who hasn’t even started school yet – sat an IQ test after staff at her nursery said she was so intelligent they were struggling to find activities to challenge her.

The exceptional youngster wowed examiners with an impressive score of 159. The average score for an adult is 100 and for ‘gifted’ individuals is 130.

She beats TV mathematician Carol Vorderman (score 154), also a member of Mensa and is only slightly behind Big Bang scientist Stephen Hawking and legendary physicist Albert Einstein both with IQs of160.

At two-years-old Heidi could already count to 40, add and subtract, Read after teaching herself using the family computer recite the poem The Owl and The Pussycat by Edward Lear.

Heidi draw figures and write in sentences – was reading books for seven year olds when she was just two.

The test she took, is specifically designed fro children her age and contains a mixture of problem-solving puzzles and word games.

Heidi’s father, Matthew, from Winchester, Hants, England hopes she can now skip a school year to ensure she is adequately challenged.

The University of Southampton public health lecturer, 46, added: ‘We always thought Heidi was bright because she was reading early.

‘I was curious about her IQ and the results were off the scale. I got her the complete set of the Oxford Reading Tree books when she was two and she read through the whole set of 30 in about an hour.

‘It’s what you would expect a seven-year-old to do.

Attribution: Mail Online

Testimonial

Dear Tide:

   
I am writing to say what an excellent product you have! I’ve used it all of  my married life, as my Mom always told me it was the best.  Now that
I am in my fifties I find it even better!  

In fact, about a month ago, I spilled some red wine on my new white blouse. My inconsiderate and uncaring husband started to belittle me about how clumsy I was, and generally started becoming a pain in the neck.  One thing led to another and somehow I ended up with his blood on my new white blouse!  I grabbed my bottle of Tide with bleach alternative, to my surprise and satisfaction, all of the stains came out!

In fact, the stains came out so well the detectives who came by yesterday told me that the DNA tests on my blouse were negative and then my attorney called and said that I was no longer considered a suspect in the disappearance of my husband.

What a relief!  Going through menopause is bad enough without being a murder suspect!  I thank you, once again, for having a great product.

Well, gotta go, have to write to the Hefty bag people.

Joke of the Day

While carpenters were working outside the old house I had just bought, I busied myself with indoor cleaning.

I had just finished washing the floor when one of the workmen asked to use the bathroom. With dismay, I looked from his muddy boots to my newly-scrubbed floors.

“Just a minute,” I said, thinking of a quick solution. “I’ll put down some newspapers for you.”

“That’s all right, Lady,” he responded. “I’m already trained.”

Nice Doggie

‘Giant’ George the world’s largest dog is used to enormous amounts of attention and is all set for more with the release of his new book.

Written by his owner, Dave Nasser, ‘Giant George: Life with the World’s Biggest Dog’ charts the gigantic allowances that the 230 pound Great Dane needs daily to get by.

Standing almost four-foot-tall at the shoulder and seven-foot three-inches on his hind legs, George consumes 180 pounds of food a month and sleeps on a queen sized mattress.

Measured by a Guinness World Record official in 2010, it was declared that not only is George currently the planet’s largest dog but is also the tallest dog ever recorded.

Spending his days at home in Tuscon, Arizona sleeping, barking at the UPS deliveryman and eating his favorite chicken and rice dinners, George is pretty blasé about his global celebrity.

Weighing almost 100 pounds more than a typical Great Dane, he has recently lost slightly over 14 lbs. on doctors orders readying for the latest round of publicity to promote the book.

For six-year-old George, life with Dave Nasser and his wife Christie began as a seven-week-old puppy born into a litter of 13 over 1,000 miles away from Arizona in Oregon.

‘Twelve were entangled with one another, but our eyes were drawn to one pup standing apart from the rest. He was clearly the runt, endearing him to Christie immediately,’ said Dave about his massive dog.

‘As soon as George settled into our home, we discovered our plans to be fair but firm parents were wishful thinking.

‘All the things that make Great Danes wonderful pets — their lack of aggression and their attachment to humans — make them more emotionally sensitive than other dogs.

‘They need to be with their ‘pack’ at all times and at night the cute pup with intensely blue eyes turned into a caterwauling banshee whenever we tried to leave him alone in the kitchen.’

Devouring the same meal – chicken, rice, dog food and yogurt – everyday, George’s diet although impressively large is relatively boring because of Great Danes’ sensitive stomachs.

‘At five months he still acted like a puppy, chasing his tail and playing games of fetch and tug-of-war with his favorite rope, but he was already the size of a fully-grown Labrador,’ explained Dave.

It was about this time that Dave and his wife realized that they may have a record breaker on their hands.

‘His size did not go unnoticed in the outside world. Our local park had a section for puppies but we were bullied out of it by other owners, who were scared George would hurt their pups,’ said Dave.

‘Eventually he outgrew the single mattress we placed there for him and preferred instead the comfort of our king-sized bed — sprawling between us like some over-indulged prince while we spent half the night clinging onto the edges

‘In the summer of 2006, we solved this problem by buying him his own queen-sized mattress, which he still sleeps on today at the bottom of our bed.’

Hitting 252 pounds by the time he was two years old, a friend suggested that contacting Guinness might be worth a go.

‘Christie had applied to the Guinness World Records people on George’s behalf,’ explained Dave.

‘That February, one of their adjudicators came to watch George being measured in the presence of a vet. He was officially declared not just the world’s tallest living dog (43 inches from paw to shoulder) but the tallest dog ever.’

Setting off a chain of publicity, George eventually appeared on the Oprah Winfrey Show.

‘Oprah’s staff learned about Giant George thorough FaceBook and YouTube and were were insistant on having him as a feature on this show; regardless of the Guinness World Record,’ said Dave.

‘As fate would have it, the timing with Guinness World Records and the Oprah Show came together flawlessly.

‘When we arrived in Chicago, we were shocked by the number of people who were waiting for us in the arrival area at the airport.

‘With flashing cameras and video rolling, more than one-hundred people saw Giant George strike a pose as though he was on a red carpet. Needless to say, they ate it up.

‘Everyone on Oprah’s staff was so nice, warm and friendly. What a great group of people that work for the Oprah show!’

‘Finally, it was time for Giant George to go out on stage and have Oprah announce his Guinness World Records for Tallest Dog Ever and Tallest Living Dog.

‘Without question, this was one of the most memorable moments for all of us. Oprah was super friendly and the segment was trouble free.’

However, even though George is arguably the most famous canine celebrity in the world, life isn’t neccesarily straight forward for him.

His heart according to his owner Dave was broken by a Labrador named Bella and since then, the neutered George has remained resolutely single.

But that isn’t to say there aren’t exciting moments each day at home in Tuscon, where Dave renovates and sells property and Christie works in medical equipment sales.

The giant Great Dane amuses himself by chasing the local UPS driver who regulalry delivers packages.

And even though he is a gentle giant, George still possesses a low, rumbling bark that can be intimidating to parcel delivery men.

Even though Dave hears the odd light hearted jibe about ‘having a saddle for that thing’, George seemingly takes all the attention in his stride.

‘Our cherished pet may have become a global celebrity — but really, he’s just one of the family,’ explained Dave.

Attribution: Mail Online

Joke of the Day

A woman who plays cards once a month with a group of friends was concerned that she always woke her husband when she came home around 11:30.

One night she decided to try not to rouse him. She undressed in the living room and, purse over arm, tiptoed nude into the bedroom – only to find her husband sitting up in bed reading.

“Darn it woman!” he exclaimed. “Did you lose everything?”

Battleship Island

Deserted, decaying and crumbling into the sea. Visitors to this abandoned settlement could be forgiven for thinking they had entered a long-forgotten war zone.

However, this is Gunkanjima – Japan’s rotting metropolis. And it has been described as the most desolate place on Earth.

Gunkanjima is a deserted island of concrete that is slowly crumbling away on Japan’s west coast.

Meaning ‘Battleship Island’ in English, Gunkanjima’s real name is Hashima and it is one of 505 uninhabited islands in the Nagasaki Prefecture (territory), about 15 kilometers (9.5 miles) from Nagasaki itself. It earned its nickname due to its resemblance to the military warship.

Despite being off-limits to travellers, the island has become an irresistible magnet for urban explorers who go to extraordinary lengths to investigate and photograph the island’s abandoned buildings.

Gunkanjima was once just a small reef but, following the discovery of coal in 1810, was turned into mining facility during the industrialisation of Japan. It gave rise to its own population of workers and inhabitants who were all densely-packed into a self-contained metropolis.

The 15-acre island was populated between 1887 and 1974, reaching its peak in 1959 with 5,259 inhabitants. However, as petroleum replaced coal during the 1960s, Japan’s mines were hit by closures which eventually reached Gunkanjima.

Within a matter of days of the mines closing in 1974, the workers and their families deserted the island, leaving their possessions, which still lay where they were left.

After 35 years of closure, the landing ban was lifted on Gunkanjima in 2009, meaning it was no longer illegal for boats to dock at the island. However, it still remains illegal to venture inside the city’s walls, meaning urban explorers must go to great lengths to covertly trespass the island.

Attribution: Japan Guide, Daily Mail