Three vampires walk into a bar.
The second vampire says “I too wish for blood!”
The third vampire says “Give me plasma.”
The Bartender smiles and says “Got it. Two bloods, and a blood-light.”
There was this gas station out in the country trying to increase it’s sales, so the owner put up a sign saying “Free Sex with Fill-up.”
Soon a “not so bright” customer pulled in, filled his tank, and then asked for his free sex.
The owner told him to pick a number from (1) to (10) and if he guessed correctly, he would get his free sex. The buyer then guessed (8) and the proprietor said, “No, you were close. The number was (7). Sorry, no free sex this time but maybe next time”.
Several days later, the same man, along with his buddy this time, pulled into the station for a fill-up. Again he asked for his free sex. The proprietor again gave him the same story and asked him to guess the correct number.
The man guessed (2) this time, and the proprietor said, “Sorry, it was (3). You were close but no free sex this time”.
As they were driving away, the driver said to his buddy, “I think that game is rigged. He doesn’t give away free sex”.
The buddy replied, “No, it’s not rigged — my wife won twice last week.”
There were these two guys out hiking when they came upon an old, abandoned mine shaft. Curious about its depth they threw in a pebble and waited for the sound of it striking the bottom, but they heard nothing.
They went and got a bigger rock, threw it in and waited. Still nothing.
The guys searched the area for something larger and came upon a railroad tie. With great difficulty, the two men carried it to the opening and threw it in thinking they will surely hear it hit bottom. While waiting for it to hit, a goat suddenly darted between them and leapt into the hole!
The guys were still standing there with astonished looks upon their faces from the actions of the goat when a man walked up to them.
He asked them if they had seen a goat anywhere in the area. They said that one had just jumped into the mine shaft right in front of them!
The man replied, “Oh no. That couldn’t have been my goat. Mine was safely secured to a railroad tie.”
At a nearby University, there were four students enrolled in the same class.
They did so well on all the quizzes, midterms and labs, etc., that each had an “A” so far for the semester.
These four friends were so confident, that the weekend before finals, they decided to take a road trip to another college and party with some friends there. They had a great time. However, after all the hard partying, they slept all day Sunday and didn’t make it back to their school until early Monday morning.
Rather than taking the final then, they decided to find their professor after the test and explain to him why they missed it.
They explained that they had gone to the other school for the weekend with the plan to return Sunday to study, but unfortunately, they had a flat tire on the way back, didn’t have a spare, and couldn’t get help for a long time. As a result, they missed the final.
The Professor thought it over and then agreed they could make up the final the following day. The guys were elated and relieved. They studied all night and went in the next day, fully prepared, at the time the professor specified.
He placed the 4 in separate rooms, handed each of the students a test booklet and told them to begin.
They looked at the first problem, worth 5 points. It was something simple. “Cool”, they all thought, “this is going to be easy.”
Each finished the problem and then turned the page. On the second page was written: For 95 points: Which tire?
One Halloween night a woman opens her door to find the most adorable little girl, with golden blond curly hair and the biggest blue eyes.
She was dressed as an Angel, and was just delightful. The woman said, “what are you supposed to say sweetheart?”
The little girl looks up at the woman and says, “Twick or Tweat!”
The woman thinks this is just adorable, and she calls her husband to come to the door. The woman says to the child, “Go ahead honey, say it just one more time.”
Once again the little Angel looks up and says, “Twick or Tweat!”
The husband agrees with his wife, this little Angel is just the cutest thing. The woman picks an apple from the Treat Bowl, shines it up with her apron, and drops it into the little girl’s Treat Bag.
The little Angel looks in her bag then looks up at the woman and says, “Thanks a lot lady, you just broke my damn cookies!”
A bald man with a wooden leg gets invited to a Halloween Party. He doesn’t know what costume to wear to hide his head and his leg, So he writes to a costume company to explain his problem.
A few days later he received a parcel with the following note:
Please find enclosed a pirate’s outfit. The spotted handkerchief will cover your bald head and,with your wooden leg, you will be just right as a pirate.
Very truly yours,
Acme Costume Co.
The man thinks this is terrible because they have emphasized his wooden leg and so he writes a letter of complaint. A week goes by and he receives another parcel and a note, which says:
Please find enclosed a monk’s costume. The long robe will cover your Wooden leg and, with your bald head, you should really look the part.
Very truly yours,
Acme Costume Co.
Now the man is really upset since they have gone from emphasizing his wooden leg to emphasizing his bald head, so again he writes the Company another nasty letter of complaint.
The next day he gets a small Parcel and a note, which reads:
We have TRIED our very BEST.
Please find enclosed a bottle of molasses and a bag of crushed nuts.
Pour the molasses over your bald head, pat on crushed nuts, stick your Wooden Leg up your ass and go as a caramel apple.
Very truly yours,
Acme Costume Co.
It was autumn, and the Indians on a remote reservation asked their new Chief if the winter was going to be cold or mild.
Since he was the new Chief in a modern society, he had never been taught the old secrets, and when he looked at the sky, he couldn’t tell what the weather was going to be.
Nevertheless, to be on the safe side, he replied to his tribe that the winter was indeed going to be cold and that the members of the village should collect wood to be prepared.
But also being a practical leader, after several days he got an idea. He secretly called the National Weather Service and asked, “Is the coming winter going to be cold?”
“It looks like this winter is going to be quite cold indeed,” the meteorologist at the weather service responded.
So the Chief went back to his people and told them to collect even more wood in order to be prepared.
A week later he called the National Weather Service again. “Is it still going to be a very cold winter?”
“Yes,” the man at National Weather Service again replied, “it’s going to be a very cold winter.”
“Are you absolutely sure that the winter is going to be very cold?”
“Absolutely,” the man replied. “It’s going to be one of the coldest winters ever.”
“How can you be so sure?” the Chief asked.
The weatherman replied, “The Indians are collecting wood like crazy!”
Three blondes were taking a walk in the country when they came upon a line of tracks. The first blonde said, “Those must be deer tracks”!
The second blonde said, “No, stupid, anyone can tell those are rabbit tracks”! The third blondie said, “No, you idiots, those are horse tracks!”
They where still arguing 10 minutes later when a train hit them.
Two cowboys come upon an Indian lying on his stomach with his ear to the ground. One of the cowboys stops and says to the other, “You see that Indian?”
“Yeah,” says the other cowboy.
“Look,” says the first one, “He’s listening to the ground. He can hear things for miles in any direction.”
Just then the Indian looks up. “Covered wagon,” he says, “about two miles away. Have two horses, one brown, one white. Man, woman, child, household effects in wagon.”
“Incredible!” says the cowboy to his friend. “How does this Indian know how far away they are, how many horses, what color they are, who is in the wagon, and what is in the wagon? Amazing!”
The Indian looks up and says, “Ran me over about a half hour ago.”