Joke du Jour

A cannibal son and his father are out looking for food.

They are watching people walk down the street.

The son suggested a particularly plump woman and the father rejected saying that she’s too fatty.

Later on the son asked about a very skinny woman. Again the father refused saying that she’s to skinny.

After a while the son pointed out a very attractive woman.” sure son” the father replied, drooling. “We’ll take her home and eat you mother!”

Gotta Get Me one of Deez

Ever wonder what it would be like to drive a F1 racecar? I know I have.

Well, wonder no more. For the miserly some of about $500,000, you too, can be the proud owner of the Caparo T1, street-legal supercar.

The Stratton Motor Company in Norwich, England is now offering this 2 seater that will do 0-60MPH in a blistering 2.5 seconds, which almost matches the 2.4 seconds of the 2011 Bugatti Veyron 16.4 Super Sport. The Bugatti will set you back a tad more at $2,400,000.

So the T1 is a veritable bargain.

Of course it has no doors, windows or even a windshield, but is equipped with a 6 point racing harness as the seatbelt. What do want for a half a million?

It is fitted with a six-speed ‘flappy paddle’ gearbox and brakes which will stop it from 100MPH in three seconds.

The T1’s maximum speed is more than 200MPH and does 0-100 in 5 seconds.

The T1’s power plant is a 575HP Aluminum V-8 engine. For those in the know, 575HP doesn’t sound that radical. After all, the Bugatti has 1200HP.

The key to the incredible performance of the Caparo is the power-to-weight ratio.  At 1210 pounds, it weighs 20 percent less than a Smart Car, which gives it twice the power-to-weight ratio of the Veyron.

 There have been more than a few humans who weigh more than this car, but I don’t have the stomach to show a picture of any of them.

The wildly popular British television show, “Top Gear”, took it out on their test track, where they have driven virtually every supercar in the world.

The official test driver, known as “The Stig”,  flew around the Top Gear track in just 1 minute 10 seconds – six seconds quicker than the Bugatti. On that short track, six seconds is a lifetime.

Due to the awesome performance of the T1,  the Stratton Motor Company insist on taking the new owner on an intensive two-day driving course on road and track so they can understand the car’s incredible capabilities.

Attribution: Daily Mail

Joke of the Day

A blonde and a redhead met in a bar after work for a drink, and were watching the 6 O’clock news. A man was shown threatening to jump from the Brooklyn Bridge.

The blonde bet the redhead $50 that he wouldn’t jump, and the redhead replied, “I’ll take that bet!”

Anyway, sure enough, he jumped, so the blonde gave the redhead the $50 she owed. The redhead said “I can’t take this, you’re my friend.”

The blonde said “No. A bet’s a bet”.

So the redhead said “Listen, I have to admit, I saw this on the 5 O’clock news, so I can’t take your money”.

The blonde replied, “Well, so did I, but I never thought he’d jump again!”

Joke of the Day

There were two old geezers living in the backwoods. Their names were Rufus and Clarence. They lived on opposite sides of the river, and they hated each other.

Every morning, just after sunrise, Rufus and Clarence would go down to their respective sides of the river and yell at each other. “RUFUS!!” Clarence would shout. “You better thank your lucky stars that I can’t swim . . . or I’d swim this river and whup your butt!!”

“CLARENCE!!” Rufus would holler back, “You better thank YOUR lucky stars that I can’t swim . . . or I’d swim this river and whup your skinny butt!!!”

This went on every morning. Every day. Twenty years.

One day the Army Corps of Engineers came and built a covered bridge. Still, every morning every day for another five years the shouting and feuding across the river continued. Finally, Rufus wife has had enough.

“Rufus!” she yells, one day. “I can’t take no more!! Every day for 25 years, you’ve been threatenin’ to whup Clarence. Well, there’s the bridge…have at it!”

Rufus thought for a moment. Chewed his bottom lip for another moment. “Woman!” he declared, snapping his suspenders into place. “I’m gonna whup Clarence’s butt!!!”

He walked out the door, down to the river, along the riverbank, came to the bridge, stepped up onto the bridge, walked about halfway, looked up….TURNED TAIL AND RAN SCREAMING BACK TO THE HOUSE, SLAMMED THE DOOR, BOLTED THE WINDOWS, GRABBED THE SHOTGUN AND DIVED, PANTING AND GASPING, UNDER THE BED!!!!!

“Rufus!” cried the misses. “I thought you was gonna whup Clarence’s butt!!!”

“I was, woman, I was!!” he whispered.

“Rufus!” cried the misses. “What in tarnation is the matter?”

“Well,” muttered the terror-stricken Rufus, “I went to the bridge…I stepped up on the bridge…walked halfway over the bridge…looked up…”

“And?” she asked, breathless with suspense.

“And,” continued Rufus, “I saw a sign that said, “Clearance, 13 feet, 6 inches” He ain’t never looked THAT big from the other side of the river!!!!!”

Joke of the Day

This elderly woman was arrested for shoplifting in a supermarket.

When she went before the judge he asked her, ‘What did you steal?’

She replied, ‘A can of peaches.’

The judge then asked her why she had stolen the can of peaches, and she replied that she was hungry.

The judge asked her how many peaches were in the can.

She replied that there were six.

The judge said, ‘Then I will give you six days in jail.’

Before the judge could actually adjourn the court, the woman’s husband stood up, and asked the judge if he could say something.

The judge said, ‘What is it?’

The husband said, ‘She also stole a can of peas.’

Joke of the Day, Kind of

The New, New Math

I purchased a burger at Burger King for $1.58. The counter girl took my $2 and I was digging for my change when I pulled 8 cents from my pocket and gave it to her. She stood there, holding the nickel and 3 pennies, while looking at the screen on her register. I sensed her discomfort and tried to tell her to just give me two quarters, but she hailed the manager for help. While he tried to explain the transaction to her, she stood there and cried…

Why do I tell you this? Because of the evolution in teaching math since the 1960s:

1. Teaching Math In 1960s

A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is 4/5 of the price. What is his profit ?

2. Teaching Math In 1970s

A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is 4/5 of the price, or $80. What is his profit?

3. Teaching Math In 1980s
A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is $80. Did he make a profit ? Yes or No

4. Teaching Math In 1990s

A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is $80 and his profit is $20. Your assignment: Underline the number 20.

5. Teaching Math In 2000s

A logger cuts down a beautiful forest because he is selfish and inconsiderate and cares nothing for the habitat of animals or the preservation of our woodlands. He does this so he can make a profit of $20. What do you think of this way of making a living? Topic for class participation after answering the question: How did the birds and squirrels feel as the logger cut down their homes? (There are no wrong answers, and if you feel like crying, it’s ok).

6. Teaching Math In 2012

Un hachero vende una carretada de maderapara $100. El costo de la producciones es $80. Cuanto dinero ha hecho?

ANSWER: His profit was $375,000 because his logging business is just a front for his meth lab.

Attribution: Karen

Joke du Jour

A young man, who was also an avid golfer, found himself with a few hours to spare one afternoon. He figured that if he hurried and played very fast, he could get in 9 holes before he had to head home. Just as he was about to tee off, an old gentleman shuffled onto the tee and asked if he could accompany the young man as he was golfing alone. Not being able to say no, he allowed the old man to join him.

To his surprise, the old man played fairly quickly. He didn’t hit the ball far, but plodded along consistently and didn’t waste much time. Finally, they reached the 9th fairway and the young man found himself with a tough shot. There was a large pine tree right in front of his ball and directly between his ball and the green. After several minutes of debating how to hit the shot, the old man finally said, “You know, when I was your age, I’d hit the ball right over that tree.”

With that challenge placed before him, the youngster swung hard, hit the ball up, right smack into the top of the tree trunk and it thumped back on the ground not a foot from where it had originally laid.

The old man offered one more comment, “Of course, when I was your age, that pine tree was only 3 feet tall.”

Joke of the Day

A Rabbi, a Hindu and a lawyer were driving late at night in the country when their car broke down.

They set out to find help and came to a farmhouse. When they knocked at the door, the farmer explained that he had only two beds, and one of the three had to sleep in the barn with the animals. The three quickly agreed.

The rabbi said he would sleep in the barn and let the other two have the beds. Ten minutes after the rabbi left, there was a knock on the bedroom door.

The rabbi entered exclaiming, “I can’t sleep in the barn; there is a pig in there. It’s against my religion to sleep in the same room with a pig!”

The Hindu said HE would sleep in the barn, as he had no religious problem with pigs. However, about five minutes later, the Hindu burst through the bedroom door saying, “There’s a COW in the barn! I can’t sleep in the same room as a cow! It’s against my religion!”

The lawyer, anxious to get to sleep, said he’d go to the barn, as he had no problem sleeping with animals.

In two minutes, the bedroom door burst open and the pig and the cow entered…