Joke of the Day

A man was in a large grocery store one day pushing his cart around when he collided with a young guy pushing his cart.

He said to the young guy, “Sorry about that. I’m looking for my wife and I guess I wasn’t paying attention to where I was going.”

The young guy says, “That’s OK. Coincidentally, I’m looking for my wife too. I can’t find her and I’m getting a little desperate.

The older guy said, “Well, maybe we can help each other. What does your wife look like?”

The young guy says, “Well, she is 24 years old, tall, with blonde hair, big blue eyes, long legs, big boobs, and she’s wearing tight white shorts, a halter top and no bra. What does your wife look like?”

The older man said, “Doesn’t matter — let’s look for yours.”

Jokes of the Day

1)
Two lawyers were in a coffee shop talking. One of the lawyers names was Thomas Strange.

After a while their conversation became rather morbid, and they started to started to talk about what they were going to have on their tomb stones.

Thomas said the he wasn’t going to have his name put on his tomb stone, instead he was going have “Here lies the body of an honest lawyer!!!” “Why are you going to have that?”, asked his friend.

“Well”, said Thomas, “When people are walking through the cemetery, and they see…Here lies the body of an honest lawyer. They will say “Oh…That’s Strange”.

2)
Three friends die in a car accident and they go to an orientation in heaven. They are all asked, “When you are in your casket and friends and family are mourning you, what would you like to hear them say about you?

The first guy says,”I would like to hear them say I was a great doctor and a great family man.”

The second guy says, “I would like to hear I was a wonderful husband and school teacher who made a huge difference in the lives of the children I taught.

The last guy replies, “I would like to hear them say … Look, He’s Moving!

Joke of the Day

A young lady, who was rather well-proportioned, spent most of her vacation sunbathing on the roof of her hotel.

She wore a bathing suit the first day, but on the second, she decided that no one could see her way up there, and she slipped out of it for an overall tan.

The woman had hardly settled in when she heard someone running up the stairs. She was lying on her stomach, so she just pulled a towel over her rear.

“Excuse me, miss,” said the flustered assistant manager of the hotel, out of breath from running up the stairs. “The Hilton doesn’t mind your sunbathing on the roof, but we would very much appreciate your wearing a bathing suit as you did yesterday.”

“What difference does it make?” the young lady asked rather calmly. “No one can see me up here, and besides, I’m covered with a towel.”

“Not exactly,” said the embarrassed man. “You’re lying on the dining room skylight.”

Joke of the Day

A business man got on an elevator in a building. When he entered the elevator, there was a blonde already inside and she greeted him by saying, “T-G-I-F” (letters only).

He smiled at her and replied, “S-H-I-T” (letters only).”

She looked at him, puzzled, and said, “T-G-I-F” again.

He acknowledged her remark again by answering, “S-H-I-T.”

The blonde was trying to be friendly, so she smiled her biggest smile and said as sweetly as possibly, “T-G-I-F” another time.

The man smiled back to her and once again replied with a quizzical expression, “S-H-I-T.”

The blonde finally decided to explain things, and this time she said, “T-G-I-F, Thank Goodness It’s Friday, get it?”

The man answered, “Sorry, Honey, It’s Thursday.”

Joke of the Day

A burglar broke into a house one night. He shone his flashlight around looking for valuables, and when he picked up a DVD player to place in his sack, a strange, disembodied voice echoed from the dark saying, “Jesus is watching you.”

He nearly jumped out of his skin, clicked his flashlight off and froze. When he heard nothing more after a bit, he shook his head, promised himself a vacation after the next big score, then clicked the light back on and began searching for more valuables. Just as he pulled the flat screen out so he could disconnect the wires, clear as a bell he heard, “Jesus is watching you.”

Totally rattled, he shone his light around frantically, looking for the source of the voice. Finally, in the corner of the room, his flashlight beam came to rest on a parrot. “Did you say that?” He hissed at the parrot.

“Yes,” the parrot confessed, then squawked, “I’m just trying to warn you.”

The burglar relaxed. “Warn me, huh? Who do you think you are any way?”

“Moses,” replied the bird.

“Moses,” the burglar laughed. “What kind of stupid people would name a parrot ‘Moses’?”

The bird promptly answered: “The same kind of people who would name their Rottweiler ‘Jesus’!”

Joke of the Day

An Israeli doctor says: “Medicine in my country is so advanced that we can take a kidney out of one man, put it in another, and have him looking for work in 6 weeks.

“A British doctor says: “That is nothing; we can take a lung out of one person, put it in another, and have him looking for work in 4 weeks.”

A Canadian doctor says: “In my country, medicine is so advanced that we can take half a heart out of one person, put it in another, and have them both looking for work in 2 weeks.

“An American doctor, not to be outdone, says: “You guys are way behind…… We took a man with NO brain, made him President, and now the whole country is looking for work.

Joke of the Day

Be Prepared to Groan

A Russian weatherman named Rudolph and his wife are sitting at their kitchen table, which is next to the window. Since he’s Russian, people affectionately call him “Rudolph the Red.”

Rudolph looked out the window and said to his wife, “Oh look honey, it’s raining outside.”

His wife looks out as well and says, “No, I think that is snow.”

He looks at her and says, “Rudolph the Red knows rain dear.”

Yeah, I know, UGH!

Joke of the Day

A sailor meets a pirate in a bar, and take turns boasting of their adventures on the high seas. The sailor notes that the pirate has a peg-leg, hook, and an eyepatch.

The sailor asks “So, how did ye end up with the peg-leg?”

The pirate replies “We were in a storm at sea, and I was swept overboard into a school of sharks. Just as me men were pulling me out a shark bit me leg off.”

“Wow!” said the sailor. “What about your hook”?

“Well…”, replied the pirate, “While me men and I were plundering in the middle east, I was caught stealing from a merchant and the punishment for theft in the middle east is the loss of the hand that steals”

“Incredible!” remarked the sailor. “How did ye get the eyepatch”?

“A sea gull dropping fell into me eye.”, replied the pirate.

“You lost your eye to a sea gull dropping?” the sailor asked incredulously.

“Well…”, said the pirate, “..it was me first day with the hook.”