Joke du Jour

Patrick had just received his brand new driver’s license.
The family troops out to the driveway, and climbs in the car, where he is going to take them for a ride for the first time. Dad immediately heads for the back seat, directly behind the newly minted driver.

“I’ll bet you’re back there to get a change of scenery after all those months of sitting in the front passenger seat teaching me how to drive,” says the beaming boy to his father.

“Nope,” comes dad’s reply, “I’m gonna sit here and kick the back of your seat as you drive, just like you’ve been doing to me all these years.”

Al Goreisms

Some  Pearls of Wisdom from our former Vice President – Al Gore

“We are ready for any unforeseen event that may or may not occur.”

 ’97

“For NASA, space is still a high priority.”

 ’93

“Quite frankly, teachers are the only profession that teach our children.”

“The Holocaust was an obscene period in our nation’s history. I mean in this century’s history. But we all lived in this century. I didn’t live in this century.”

 ’95

“It isn’t pollution that’s harming the environment. It’s the impurities in our air and water that are doing it.”

“[It’s] time for the human race to enter the solar system.”

“We’re all capable of mistakes, but I do not care to enlighten you on the mistakes we may or may not have made.”

“I believe we are on an irreversible trend toward more freedom and democracy – but that could change.”

’98

“One word sums up probably the responsibility of any vice president, and that one word is ‘to be prepared.'”

’93

“Verbosity leads to unclear, inarticulate things.”

 ’96

“I have made good judgments in the past. I have made good judgments in the future.”

“The future will be better tomorrow.”

“We’re going to have the best-educated American people in the world.”

’97

“I stand by all the misstatements that I’ve made.”

’93

“We have a firm commitment to NATO, we are a *part* of NATO. We have a firm commitment to Europe. We are a *part* of Europe.”

Joke of the Day

Farmer John lived on a quiet rural highway. But, as time went by, the traffic slowly built up at an alarming rate.

 The traffic was so heavy and so fast that his chickens were being run over at a rate of three to six a day. So one day Farmer John called the sheriff’s office and said, “You’ve got to do something about all of these people driving so fast and killing all of my chickens.”

 “What do you want me to do?” asked the sheriff. “I don’t care, just do something about those crazy drivers!” So the next day he had the county workers go out and erected a sign that said: SLOW–SCHOOL CROSSING.

 Three days later Farmer John called the sheriff and said, “You’ve got to do something about these drivers. The ‘school crossing’ sign seems to make them go even faster.” So, again, the sheriff sends out the county workers and they put up a new sign: SLOW: CHILDREN AT PLAY That really sped them up.

So Farmer John called and called and called every day for three weeks. Finally, he asked the sheriff, “Your signs are doing no good. Can I put up my own sign?” The sheriff told him, “Sure thing, put up your own sign.”

He was going to let the Farmer John do just about anything in order to get him to stop calling everyday to complain. The sheriff got no more calls from Farmer John.

Three weeks later, curiosity got the best of the sheriff and he decided to give Farmer John a call. “How’s the problem with those drivers. Did you put up your sign?”

 “Oh, I sure did. And not one chicken has been killed since then. I’ve got to go. I’m very busy.” He hung up the phone.

The sheriff was really curious now and he thought to himself, “I’d better go out there and take a look at that sign… it might be something that WE could use to slow down drivers…”

 So the sheriff drove out to Farmer John’s house, and his jaw dropped the moment he saw the sign.

It was spray-painted on a sheet of wood: NUDIST COLONY GO SLOW AND WATCH OUT FOR THE CHICKS.

Attribution: Karen

Joke of the Day

Grandpa, What Is Couple Sex?
 
 
An 8-year-old girl went to her grandfather,
 
who was working in the yard and asked him,
 
“Grampa, what is couple sex?”
 
  
 
The grandfather was surprised that she would ask
 
such a question, but decided that if she’s old enough
 
to know to ask the question, then she’s old enough
 
to get a straight answer. Steeling himself to leave
 
nothing out, he proceeded to tell her all about
 
human reproduction and the joys and
 
responsibilities of intercourse.
 
 
 
 When he finished explaining, the little girl was
 
looking at him with her mouth hanging open,
 
eyes wide in amazement.
 
 
 
 
Seeing the look on her face, the grandfather
 
asked her, “Why did you ask this question, honey?”
 
 
 
 
The little girl replied, “Grandma says that
 
dinner will be ready in just a couple secs
 
 
Attribution: Bev, Pat
 

Simply Breathtaking

These incredible pictures capture the stunning moment waves roll on to a tropical beach.

The breath-taking images show the split-second in which each one breaks and crashes on to the sand, and are the work of two photographers who wish to remind people just how beautiful Mother Nature can be.

Photographers Nick Selway, 28, and CJ Kale, 35, position themselves in the clear Hawaiian surf and wait for the waves to roll over them.

Their only equipment are standard cameras – but a waterproof case means they do not need to sacrifice their cameras for their art.

Enjoy!

Attribution: Mail Online

Joke of the Day

Two old men had been best friends for years, and they both live to their early 90’s, when one of them suddenly falls deathly ill.

His friend comes to visit him on his deathbed, and they’re reminiscing about their long friendship, when the dying man’s friend asks, “Listen, when you die, do me a favor. I want to know if there’s baseball in heaven.”

The dying man said, “We’ve been friends for years, this I’ll do for you.” And then he dies.

A couple days later, his surviving friend is sleeping when he hears his friend’s voice. The voice says, “I’ve got some good news and some bad news. The good news is that there’s baseball in heaven.”

“What’s the bad news?”

“You’re pitching on Wednesday.”

The Mile High Club

Vintage plane parts destined for the scrap heap have been given a new lease on life and being transformed into beds chairs and desks.

Californian company Motoart spends hours transforming wings, doors and engine cowls into stylish furniture.

Many of the parts require more than 100 hours of cutting, grinding, buffing and polishing before they are ready for purchase.

The company’s bomber seats even come with the original ejector pin and ‘remove before flight’ warning tag.

Their prices range from from $100 for a desk watch to $60,000 for a one-of-a-kind conference table, made from a wing.

Dave Hall, joint owner of Motoart, based next to Los Angeles International Airport, said:

“The mile high beds are very popular with men – and they are almost always bachelors.”

“The bed frames are made from the tail fins of a DC-9 aircraft.”

“They cost between $15,000 and $31,000 but all our prices reflect the rarity of the aeroplane model.”

“We only have 12 of the ejector seats left, so they are priced at $12,000 each.”

Motoart has produced items for A-list celebrities, royalty in the Middle East, and big business clients including Microsoft and Boeing.

Mr Hall said: “A business executive who buys one of our desks certainly has a conversation starter when someone walks into their office.”

Mr Hall 45, set up Motoart in 2001 with Donovan Fell, 64.

The business now employs 17 people and takes in around $40 million a year.

They first got the idea of transforming aircraft parts after selling a set of formerly scrap propellors as art, in the late 1990s.

Mr Hall said “Donovan had his doubts at first, but we cleaned the propellors up and sold them for $10,000 a piece – so we knew we were on to a winner.”

“The scrap parts make up ancient aircraft history. The engineering that went into them is incredible and we only enhance that.”

“Why wouldn’t you want to own a piece of history that looks this good?”

Attribution: Daily Mail

Joke of the Day

Buckwheat of the Little Rascals fame grew up, became a Muslim, and changed his name. He now goes by Kareem of Wheat.

I want to die peacefully in my sleep, like my grandfather.. Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car.

Children: You spend the first 2 years of their life teaching them to walk and talk. Then you spend the next 16 years telling them to sit down and shut-up.

Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.

The sole purpose of a child’s middle name, is so he can tell when he’s really in trouble.

Never get into fights with ugly people, they have nothing to lose.

My psychiatrist told me I was crazy and I said I want a second opinion. He said okay, you’re ugly too.

If at first you don’t succeed, skydiving is not for you!

It’s Never Too Late

A man who dropped out of high school 70 years ago to serve in World War II finally got his diploma last week.

Jack Fletcher, an 86-year-old veteran, joined the 2012 graduates of Spur High School in Spur, Texas as he walked across the stage to receive his diploma.

The man didn’t complete his senior year at the school opting to serve in the U.S. Marines in the 1940s.

While away from a classroom for seven decades, Mr Fletcher had always hoped for an opportunity to wear a cap and gown from his old school.

He grew up in the area. Both his parents died in a car accident leaving him, along with his two brothers, in the care of their grandparents.

Several of Mr Fletcher’s friends and his brothers signed up to join the war.

He too enlisted, meaning he had to give up finishing his final year of high school.

He went on serve overseas in the Pacific region for several years.

When Mr Fletcher returned to his grandparents in his hometown, the family dog, David, was waiting for him.

‘That little dog,’ the veteran said, holding back tears, “my grandmother said he waited at the end of the lane each day when I left.”

He soon moved on to his next adventure where he moved to Australia to build a successful career in the agricultural industry.

“You think that would satisfy a guy,” Mr Fletcher said.

Instead, the veteran couldn’t let go of his hopes to receive a high school diploma.

Years later, he found himself standing among the ten other 2012 graduates at the small town high school.

He joked with the news station: “The superintendent assured them I was no slow learner even though it’s taken me 70 years.”

With his blue cap and gown with a gold tassel that had a 2012 charm on it, Mr Fletcher walked across the Spur High School stage as an honorary graduate and got a diploma.

“I had to look to make sure they put a certificate in there. I was afraid they were kidding me!” he said, laughing.

Attribution: Mail Online