Just a Joke

A man is stranded on a desert island, all alone for ten years. One day, he sees a speck in the horizon. He thinks to himself, “It’s not a ship.” The speck gets a little closer and he thinks, “It’s not a boat.” The speck gets even closer and he thinks, “It’s not a raft.” Then, out of the surf comes this gorgeous blonde woman, wearing a wet suit and scuba gear. She comes up to the guy and says, “How long has it been since you’ve had a cigarette?”

“Ten years!”, he says.

She reaches over and unzips a waterproof pocket on her left sleeve and pulls out a pack of fresh cigarettes.

He takes one, lights it, takes a long drag, and says, “Man, oh man! Is that good!”

Then she asked, “How long has it been since you’ve had a drink of whiskey?”

He replies, “Ten years!”

She reaches over, unzips her waterproof pocket on her right sleeve, pulls out a flask and gives it to him.

He takes a long swig and says, “Wow, that’s fantastic!”

Then she starts unzipping a longer zipper that runs down the front of her wet suit and she says to him, “And how long has it been since you’ve had some real fun?”

And the man replies, “Wow! Don’t tell me that you’ve got golf clubs in there!”

Git Er Dun

Direct Quote from ‘Larry, the cable guy’

“Even after the Super Bowl victory of the New Orleans Saints,
I have noticed a large number of people implying with bad jokes
that Cajuns aren’t smart.

I would like to state for the record that I disagree with that assessment.

Anybody that would build a city 5 feet below sea level in a
hurricane zone and fill it with Democrats is a damn genius”.

Gotta Laugh

I don’t care who you are, this is funny!

A little Muslim kid, crying, can’t find his mother in the supermarket.

The store attendant says ‘What does your mother look like?’

The kid says “How the f— would I know?!?!?!?!?”;

Why I’m Depressed

 

 

Why I’m Depressed

Over five thousand years ago, Moses said to the children of Israel , “Pick up your shovels, mount your asses and camels, and I will lead you to the Promised Land.”

Nearly 75 years ago, (when Welfare was introduced) Roosevelt said, “Lay down your shovels, sit on your asses, and light up a Camel, this is the Promised Land.”

Today, the government has stolen your shovel, taxed your asses, raised the price of Camels and mortgaged the Promised Land!

I was so depressed last night thinking about Health Care Plans, the economy, the wars, lost jobs, savings, Social Security, retirement funds, and everything…

I called a Suicide Hotline. I had to press 1 for English.

I was connected to a call center…in Pakistan . I told them I was suicidal. They got excited and asked if I could drive a truck.

(Unknown Author)

Funny Stuff

 

AN ATHEIST AND LITTLE GIRL ON A PLANE  
  
An atheist was seated next to a little girl on an airplane and  
He turned to her and said, “Do you want to talk? Flights go quicker  
If you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger.”  
  
The little girl, who had just started to read her book,
Replied to the total stranger, “What would you want to talk about?”
 
“Oh, I don’t know,” said the atheist. “How about why there is
No God, or no Heaven or Hell, or no life after death?”
as he smiled Smugly.
 
 
“OK,” she said. “Those could be interesting topics but let me
Ask you a question first. A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat the same
Stuff – grass. Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns
Out a flat patty, but a horse produces clumps.
Why do you suppose that Is?”
 
 
The atheist, visibly surprised by the little girl’s
Intelligence thinks about it and says, “Hmmm, I have no idea.”
To which the little girl replies, “Do you really feel qualified
To discuss why there is no God, or no Heaven or Hell, or no life after
Death, when you don’t know shit?”
And then she went back to reading her book.