Joke of the Day

While carpenters were working outside the old house I had just bought, I busied myself with indoor cleaning.

I had just finished washing the floor when one of the workmen asked to use the bathroom. With dismay, I looked from his muddy boots to my newly-scrubbed floors.

“Just a minute,” I said, thinking of a quick solution. “I’ll put down some newspapers for you.”

“That’s all right, Lady,” he responded. “I’m already trained.”

Joke du Jour

A Groaner

Two robins were sitting in a tree.

“I’m really hungry,” said the first one. “Let’s fly down and find some lunch.”

They flew down to the ground and found a nice plot of newly plowed ground that was full of worms. They ate and ate and ate till they could eat no more.

“I’m so full, I don’t think I can fly back up into the tree,” said the first one.

“Let’s just lay back here and bask in the warm sun,” said the second.

“OK,” said the first.

So they plopped down, basking in the sun. No sooner than they had fallen asleep, when a big fat tomcat came up and gobbled them up.

As the cat sat washing his face after his meal, he thought…

“I JUST LOVE BASKIN ROBINS.”

Joke of the Day

A man went to the confessional. “Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned.”

“What is your sin, my son?” the priest asked.

“Well,” the man started, “I used some horrible language this week, and I feel absolutely terrible.”

“When did you use this awful language?” asked the priest.

“I was golfing and hit an incredible drive that looked like it was going to go over 250 yards, but it struck a power line that was hanging over the fairway and fell straight down to the ground after going only about a hundred yards.”

“Is that when you swore?”

“No, Father. After that, a squirrel ran out of the bushes and grabbed my ball in his mouth and began to run away.”

“Is that when you swore?”

“Well, no. You see, as the squirrel was running, an eagle came down out of the sky, grabbed the squirrel in his talons, and flew away!”

“Is that when you swore?” asked the amazed priest.

“No, not yet. As the eagle carried the squirrel away in his claws, it flew toward the green. And as it passed over a bit of forest near the green, the squirrel dropped my ball.”

“Did you swear then?”

“No, because as the ball felt it struck a tree, bounced through some bushes, careened off a big rock, and rolled through a sand trap onto the green and stopped within six inches of the hole.”

The priest signed, “You missed the putt, didn’t you?”

Joke of the Day

A Blonde’s Year in Review

January – Took new scarf back to store because it was too tight.

February – Fired from pharmacy job for failing to print labels……Helllloooo!!!…..bottles won’t fit in printer!

March – Got really excited…..finished jigsaw puzzle in 6 months…..box said “2-4 years!”

April – Trapped on escalator for hours ? power went out!!!

May – Tried to make Kool-Aid…..wrong instructions….8 cups of water won’t fit into those little packets!!!

June – Tried to go water skiing…..couldn’t find a lake with a slope.

July – Lost breast stroke swimming competition…..learned later, the other swimmers cheated, they used their arms!!!

August – Got locked out of my car in rain storm….car swamped….convertible top left open.

September – The capital of California is “C”….isn’t it?

October – Hate M & M’s…..they are so hard to peel.

November – Baked turkey for 4 1/2 days. Instructions said 1 hour per pound – I weigh 108!!

December – Couldn’t call 911…. “duh”….there’s no “eleven” button on the stupid phone!

Joke of the Day

An astronomer is on an expedition to Darkest Africa to observe a total eclipse of the sun, which will only be observable there, when he’s captured by cannibals.

The eclipse is due the next day around noon. To gain his freedom he plans to pose as a god and threaten to extinguish the sun if he’s not released, but the timing has to be just right.

So, in the few words of the cannibals’ primative tongue that he knows, he asks his guard what time they plan to kill him.

The guard’s answer is, “Tradition has it that captives are to be killed when the sun reaches the highest point in the sky on the day after their capture so that they may be cooked and ready to be served for the evening meal”.

“Great”, the astronomer replies.

The guard continues, though, “But because everyone’s so excited about it, in your case we’re going to wait until after the eclipse.”