When Albert Einstein was making the rounds of the speaker’s circuit, he usually found himself eagerly longing to get back to his laboratory work.
“I have an idea, boss,” his chauffeur said. “I’ve heard you give this speech so many times. I’ll bet I could give it for you.” Einstein laughed loudly and said, “Why not? Let’s do it!”
When they arrive at the dinner, Einstein donned the chauffeur’s cap and jacket and sat in the back of the room. The chauffeur gave a beautiful rendition of Einstein’s speech and even answered a few questions expertly.
Then a supremely pompous professor asked an extremely esoteric question about anti-matter formation, digressing here and there to let everyone in the audience know that he was nobody’s fool.
Without missing a beat, the chauffeur fixed the professor with a steely stare and said, “Sir, the answer to that question is so simple that I will let my chauffeur, who is sitting in the back, answer it for me.”
Kirk was telling his colleagues about a strange dream he had the previous night.
All of a sudden, a cowboy riding a horse appears on the right side of the stagecoach and a horse without a rider pulls up on the left.
In a swift move, the cowboy bends down, pulls open the door of the stagecoach and jumps off his horse into the coach. Then he opens the door on the other side and jumps onto the other horse.
Kirk, confused by the events that were happening so swiftly, yelled out to the cowboy, “What do you think you are doing?”
The cowboy replied, “Nothing. It’s just a stage I’m going through.”
Ol’ Fred was in the hospital, near death. The family called his closest friend to stand with them.
The friend lovingly handed him a pen and a piece of paper, and Ol’ Fred used his last bit of energy to scribble a note, then
The friend thought it best not to look at the note at that time, so he placed it in his jacket pocket.
At the funeral, as Ol’ Fred’s friend was finishing the eulogy, he realized that
he was wearing the same jacket that he was wearing when Ol’ Fred
died. He said, “You know, Ol’ Fred handed me a note just before
he died. I haven’t looked at it, but knowing Fred, I’m sure
there’s a word of inspiration there for us all.”
He opened the note, and read, “Please step to your left — you’re
standing on my oxygen tube!”
One of them asked the usual question always asked: “If our chute doesn’t open; and the reserve doesn’t open, how long would we have till we hit the ground?”
The jump master looked at him and in perfect deadpan answered: “The rest of your life.”
A big game hunter goes on safari with his wife and his mother-in-law. One morning, the wife wakes up to find her mother gone. Immediately, she awakens up her husband and they both set off to find the old woman.
Suddenly, they break into a clearing and there’s the mother-in-law, standing face-to-face with a ferocious lion!
“Quick, darling,” the wife shouts frantically, “Do something!”
“Oh, no,” the husband says, “That lion got himself into this mess. Let him get himself out!”
One night there was three fugitives escaping from jail. One was blonde, one was brunette and the other was a red-head.
They had the police hot on their trail and quickly thinking the brunette points out an old, abandoned factory perfect for hiding in.
They all got in their little potato sacks and barely a minute later the police came crashing through the door.
They looked at the sacks and said ‘Hmm maybe they are hiding in these’ The officer kicks the Red-head’s sack and she makes whimpering noises. ‘Hmm just puppies in that sack’.
The officer kicks the Brunette’s sack and she makes mewing noises. ‘Hmm just kittens in that sack’ He says.
He finally kicks the blonde’s sack and he hears….
A guy goes into a bar and orders a beer. The bartender gives him a beer and a bowl of nuts.
The guy looks around and sees no one except the bartender at the other end of the bar. The guy takes another sip of his beer when again he hears the soft voice: “Man, you are looking good, have you lost weight?”
The guy looks around, confused, and only sees the bartender down at the other end of the bar. He has another sip of his beer, a few more nuts, and the same thing happens again, the voice says: “I simply love your jacket.”
The guy calls the bartender down. “Do you hear voices?” the guy asks nervously.
“Voices, sir?” the bartender asks thinking he’s got a weirdo sitting at the bar.
“Yeah, watch this,” says the guy. He sips his beer and munches a handful of nuts. Sure enough there’s the soft voice: “Man, are you smart or what?”
“Oh, that,” says the bartender: “it’s the nuts. They’re complimentary.”