Joke of the Day

Sergeant Thomas: When you are frightened, what do you do?

Private Joe: Keep on fighting!

Sergeant Thomas: You better. And if the enemy shoots off your right ear, what do you do?

Private Joe: Keep on fighting!

Sergeant Thomas: Good. But if the enemy also shoots off your left ear, what then?

Private Joe: Then I can’t see.

Sergeant Thomas: Can’t see? Where did you get your education, private?

Private Joe: Well sergeant, if both my ears are gone my helmet falls down…over my eyes.

Joke of the Day

George W. Bush, Joe Biden, John Boehner, and Bill Clinton all traveled together to see the Wizard of Oz. Upon arrival, they were brought to see him.

First, President Bush went to see the Wizard and said, “Everyone says I have no compassion or feelings, I wish to have a Heart”. So the Wizard said, “So be it”.

Second was Joe Biden. He told the Wizard, “People think I’m unintelligent and have no common sense whatsoever. I want a brain. The Wizard said, “So be it”.

Third to ask the Wizard was John Boehner. “People say I have no confidence, and I lack conviction. I wish to have some courage”. The Wizard granted this wish as well.

And then Bill Clinton approached the Wizard. The Wizard looked at him and said, “Well, what do you want?” To which Clinton replied, “I’m here for Dorothy!”

Joke of the Day

A drunken man gets on the bus late one night, staggers up the aisle, and sits next to an elderly woman.

She looks the man up and down and says, I’ve got news for you. “You’re going straight to hell!”

The man jumps up out of his seat and shouts, “Shoot, I’m on the wrong bus!”

Joke of the Day

When Albert Einstein was making the rounds of the speaker’s circuit, he usually found himself eagerly longing to get back to his laboratory work.

One night as they were driving to yet another rubber-chicken dinner, Einstein mentioned to his chauffeur (a man who somewhat resembled Einstein in looks & manner) that he was tired of speechmaking.

“I have an idea, boss,” his chauffeur said. “I’ve heard you give this speech so many times. I’ll bet I could give it for you.” Einstein laughed loudly and said, “Why not? Let’s do it!”

When they arrive at the dinner, Einstein donned the chauffeur’s cap and jacket and sat in the back of the room. The chauffeur gave a beautiful rendition of Einstein’s speech and even answered a few questions expertly.

Then a supremely pompous professor asked an extremely esoteric question about anti-matter formation, digressing here and there to let everyone in the audience know that he was nobody’s fool.

Without missing a beat, the chauffeur fixed the professor with a steely stare and said, “Sir, the answer to that question is so simple that I will let my chauffeur, who is sitting in the back, answer it for me.”

Joke of the Day

Kirk was telling his colleagues about a strange dream he had the previous night.

He dreamt he was in the middle of the action in the old west riding a stagecoach.

All of a sudden, a cowboy riding a horse appears on the right side of the stagecoach and a horse without a rider pulls up on the left.

In a swift move, the cowboy bends down, pulls open the door of the stagecoach and jumps off his horse into the coach. Then he opens the door on the other side and jumps onto the other horse.

Kirk, confused by the events that were happening so swiftly, yelled out to the cowboy, “What do you think you are doing?”

The cowboy replied, “Nothing. It’s just a stage I’m going through.”

Joke of the Day

Ol’ Fred was in the hospital, near death. The family called his closest friend to stand with them.

As the friend stood next to the bed, Ol’ Fred’s condition
appeared to deteriorate rapidly and he motioned frantically for something
to write on.

The friend lovingly handed him a pen and a piece of paper, and Ol’ Fred used his last bit of energy to scribble a note, then
suddenly died.

The friend thought it best not to look at the note at that time, so he placed it in his jacket pocket.

At the funeral, as Ol’ Fred’s friend was finishing the eulogy, he realized that
he was wearing the same jacket that he was wearing when Ol’ Fred
died. He said, “You know, Ol’ Fred handed me a note just before
he died. I haven’t looked at it, but knowing Fred, I’m sure
there’s a word of inspiration there for us all.”

He opened the note, and read, “Please step to your left — you’re
standing on my oxygen tube!”

Joke of the Day

A skydiving instructor was going through the question and answer period with his new students.

One of them asked the usual question always asked: “If our chute doesn’t open; and the reserve doesn’t open, how long would we have till we hit the ground?”

The jump master looked at him and in perfect deadpan answered: “The rest of your life.”

Joke of the Day

A big game hunter goes on safari with his wife and his mother-in-law. One morning, the wife wakes up to find her mother gone. Immediately, she awakens up her husband and they both set off to find the old woman.

Suddenly, they break into a clearing and there’s the mother-in-law, standing face-to-face with a ferocious lion!

“Quick, darling,” the wife shouts frantically, “Do something!”

“Oh, no,” the husband says, “That lion got himself into this mess. Let him get himself out!”