Joke of the Day

A very nervous man, accbugsompanied by his nagging wife, was examined by a doctor.

After checking the chart and listening to the wife’s ceaseless chatter, he nodded and wrote the man a prescription for a powerful tranquilizer.

The man asked: “How often should the pills be taken?”

“Let’s start with once every six hours. But if that’s not enough,” replied the doctor,  “just give her some more.”

Joke of the Day

Groups of Americans were traveling by tour bus through Holland.

As they stoppeOld Goat Logod at a cheese farm, a young guide led them through the process of cheese making, explaining that goat’s milk was used.

She showed the group a lovely hillside where many goats were grazing. ‘These’ she explained, ‘Are the older goats put out to pasture when they no longer produce.’

She then asked, ‘What do you do in America with your old goats?’

A spry old gentleman answered, ‘They send us on bus tours!’

Joke of the Day

A couple was Christmas shopping at the mall on Christmas Eve and the mall was packed.

Walking through the mall the surprised wife look up and noticed her Homer barhusband was no where around and she was very upset because they had a lot to do.

She used her cell phone to call her husband because she was so upset, to ask him where he was.

The husband in a calm voice said, “honey remember the jewelry store we went into 5 years ago where you fell in love with that diamond necklace that we could not afford and I told you that I would get it for you one day ?”

His wife said filling with loving tears , “yes I remember that jewelry store.”

He said, well I’m in the bar next to it.

Attribution: Bev, Pat

Joke of the Day

As you well know, some of us have been known to have had brushes with the authorities on our way home from an occasional social session over the years.bugs daffy

A couple of nights ago, I was out for an evening with friends and had a couple of cocktails and some rather nice red wine.

Knowing full well I may have been slightly over the limit, I did something I’ve never done before ~ I took a cab home. Sure enough, I passed a police road block but, since it was a cab, they waved it past.

I arrived home safely without incident, which was a real surprise; as I have never driven a cab before and am not sure where I got it or what to do with it now that it’s in my garage.

Joke of the Day

Dad buys a LIE DETECTOR ROBOT which slaps people when they lie.

He decides to test it at dinner.”Son, where were you today?”

bugs robotThe son says “at school dad.” Robot slaps the son! “OK, I watched a DVD at my friends house!” “What DVD?” “Toy story.”

Robot slaps the son again! “OK, it was a %&%*o”Dad yells “What! When I was your age I didn’t know what %&%* was!”

Robot then slaps the dad!

Mom laughs “HAHAHA! He’s certainly YOUR son.” Robot then slaps the mom….

Joke of the Day

A woman came home one day and told her husband: “Honey, the car won’t start, but I know what the problem is.”

Bugs carHer husband asked her what it was and she told him it had water in the injectors. The husband thought for a moment, then said: “I don’t mean this badly, but you don’t know the injectors from the accelerator.”

“No, there’s definitely water in the injectors,” she insisted.

“OK, Honey, that’s fine, I’ll just go take a look. Where is it?” the husband asked.

“In the lake.”

Joke of the Day

Working people frequently ask retired people what they do to make their days interesting.

Well, for example, the other day, Liz, my wife and I went into town and visited a shop.

Old folks on a busWhen we came out, there was a cop writing out a parking ticket. We went up to him and I said, ‘Come on, man, how about giving a senior citizen a break?’

He ignored us and continued writing the ticket.

I called him an “a–hole”. He glared at me and started writing another ticket for having worn-out tires.  So Liz called him a “s*&@ head”.

He finished the second ticket and put it on the windshield with the first.

Then he started writing more tickets.This went on for about 20 minutes. The more we abused him, the more tickets he wrote.

Just then our bus arrived, and we got on it and went home.

Attribution: Bev

Joke of the Day

Mary and Jane are old friends.

They have both been married to their husbands for a long time; Mary is upset because she thinks her husband doesn’t find her attractive anymore.

“As I get older he doesn’t bother to look at me!” Mary cries.

“I’m so sorry for you, as I get older my husband says I get more beautiful every day.” replies Jane.

“Yes, but your husband’s an antique dealer!”

Joke of the Day

Mike bought a piano for Jane on her birthday.

After a few days, Mike’s friend inquired with him how Jane was doing with the piano.

“Well,” said Mike, “I persuaded her to switch to a clarinet.”

“Why is that?” asked the friend.

Mike answered, “At least with a clarinet, she cannot sing.”

Joke of the Day

Once upon a time there was a non-conforming  sparrow who decided not to fly south for the  winter.

However, soon the weather turned so cold  that he reluctantly decided to fly south. In a  short time ice began to form on his wings and he fell to earth in a barnyard, nearly frozen solid. 

A cow passed by where he had fallen, and crapped on the little sparrow.The sparrow thought it was  the end, but the manure warmed him and defrosted his wings!

Warm and happy, able to breath, he started to sing.  Just then a large cat came by, and hearing the chirping he investigated the sounds.

The cat cleared away the manure, found the chirping bird,  and promptly ate him.

The Moral of the Story: Everyone who craps on you is not necessarily your enemy.

Everyone who gets you out of crap is not necessarily your friend.

And if you’re warm and happy in a pile of crap,  you might just want to keep your mouth shut.