Two small county judges both got arrested for speeding on the same day. Rather than call the state Supreme Court for a visiting judge, each agreed to hear the other’s case.
An old man and woman were married for years even though they hated each other. When they had a confrontation, screams and yelling could be heard deep into the night. A constant statement was heard by the neighbors who feared the man the most. “When I die I will dig my way up and out of the grave to come back and haunt you for the rest of your life!”
Questions for the Ages:
If you mixed vodka with orange juice and milk of magnesia, would you get a Phillip’s Screwdriver?
Why do we say something is out of whack? What is a whack?
If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?
Two notorious drunks are sitting at the bar. One is crying. The other asks what’s wrong.
“I’ve puked all over myself again and my wife is gonna kill me.”
The other drunk says “do what I do pal. Explain to your wife that some other drunk puked on you. Put a ten spot in your shirt pocket and tell her that the drunk was sorry and gave you ten dollars to have your clothes cleaned.”
While enjoying an early morning breakfast in a northern Arizona cafe, four elderly ranchers were discussing everything from cattle, horses, and weather to how things used to be in the “good old days.”
A circus owner walked into a bar to see everyone crowded about a table watching a little show.
On the table was an upside down pot and a duck tap dancing on it. The circus owner was so impressed that he offered to buy the duck from its owner.
After some wheeling and dealing, they settled for $10,000 for the duck and the pot.
Three days later the circus owner runs back to the bar in anger, “Your duck is a rip-off!
I put him on the pot before a whole audience, and he didn’t dance a single step!”
“So?” asked the ducks former owner, “did you remember to light the candle under the pot?”
A man is in bed with his wife when there is a rat-a-tat-tat on the door. He rolls over and looks at his clock, and it’s half past three in the morning. “I’m not getting out of bed at this time,” he thinks, and rolls over. Then, a louder knock follows.
“Aren’t you going to answer that?” says his wife. So he drags himself out of bed and goes downstairs. He opens the door and there is a man standing at the door. It didn’t take the homeowner long to realize the man was drunk.