Joke of the Day

Dogs don’t understand that:

1. It’s not a laugh to practice barking at 3a.m.

2. It’s wrong to back Grandma into a corner and guard her.

3. He shouldn’t jump on your bed when he’s sopping wet.

4. The cats have every right to be in the living room.

5. Barking at guests 10 minutes after they arrive is stupid

6. Getting up does NOT mean we are going for a walk

7. Just because I’m eating, doesn’t mean you can.

8. If you look at me with those big soppy eyes, I’m not going to give in and feed you. NOT NOT NOT. Oh, ok, just this once.

9. No, it’s my food….Oh alright then, just a small piece.

Joke du Jour

An elderly lady was walking on the golf course on the island of Martha’s Vineyard when she slipped and fell.

Obama who was behind her by chance, helped her to get up promptly.
She thanked him and he answered…

“It was a pleasure to help you. Don’t you recognize me? I am your President. Are you going to vote for me in the next election?”

The elderly woman laughed and replied:
“You know… I fell on my ass… not my head!”

Joke of the Day

 A Sunday school teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments with her five and six year olds.

After explaining the commandment to “honor” thy Father and thy Mother, she asked, “Is there a commandment that teaches us how to treat our brothers and sisters?”

Without missing a beat one little boy (the oldest of a family) answered, “Thou shall not kill.”

Joke of the Day

Three friends married women from different parts of the country.

The first man married a woman from Nebraska . He told her that she was to do the dishes and house cleaning. It took a couple of days, but on the third day, he came home to see a clean house and dishes washed and put away.

The second man married a woman from Iowa . He gave his wife orders that she was to do all the cleaning, dishes and the cooking. The first day he didn’t see any results, but the next day he saw it was better. By the third day, he saw his house was clean, the dishes were done, and there was a huge dinner on the table.

The third man married a girl from New Jersey. He ordered her to keep the house clean, dishes washed, lawn mowed, laundry washed, and hot meals on the table every day.

He said the first day he didn’t see anything and the second day he didn’t see anything.

But by the third day, some of the swelling had gone down, and he could see a little out of his left eye. And his arm was healed enough that he could fix himself a sandwich and load the dishwasher.

He still has some difficulty when he pees.

Attribution: Bev

Joke of the Day

There were three Indian squaws.

One slept on a deerskin, one slept on an elk skin and the third slept on a hippopotamus skin.

All three became pregnant and the first two each had a baby boy. The one who slept on the hippopotamus skin had twin boys.

This goes to prove that the squaw of the hippopotamus is equal to the sons of the squaws of the other two hides.

Joke of the Day

An old Native American wanted a loan for $500. He approached his local banker. The banker pulled out the loan application, asking, “What are you going to do with the money?”

“Take jewelry to city and sell it,” said the old man.

“What have you got for collateral?” queried the banker, going strictly by the book.

“Don’t know collateral.”

“Well that’s something of value that would cover the cost of the loan. Have you got any vehicles?”

“Yes, I have a 1949 Chevy pickup.”

The banker shook his head, “How about livestock?”

“Yes, I have a horse.”

“How old is it?”

“I don’t know; it has no teeth.”

Finally the banker decided to make the $500 loan.

Several weeks later the old man was back in the bank. He pulled out a roll of bills, “Here’s  money to pay loan,” he said, handing the entire amount including interest.

“What are you going to do with the rest of that money?”

“Put it in my pocket.”

“Why don’t you deposit it in my bank?” he asked.

“I don’t know deposit.”

“Well, you put the money in our bank and we take care of it for you. When you want to use it you can withdraw it.”

The old Indian leaned across the desk, looking suspiciously at the banker, and asked, “What you got for collateral?”

Joke du Jour

A young boy had just gotten his driving permit. He asked his father, who was a minister, if they could discuss the use of the car.

 His father took him to his study and said to him, “I’ll make a deal with you. You bring your grades up, study your Bible a little and get your hair cut and we’ll talk about it.”

After about a month the boy came back and again asked his father if they could discuss use of the car. They again went to the father’s study where his father said, “Son, I’ve been real proud of you.

You have brought your grades up, you’ve studied your Bible diligently, but you didn’t get your hair cut!”

The young man waited a moment and replied, “You know Dad, I’ve been thinking about that. Samson had long hair, Moses had long hair, Noah had long hair, and even Jesus had long hair….”

To which his father replied, “Yes, and they walked everywhere they went!”

Joke of the Day

Obviously written by a Woman

It’s Good to Be a Man!

Your last name stays put.

The garage is all yours.

Chocolate is just another snack.

You can wear a white T-shirt to a water park.

Car mechanics tell you the truth.

You don’t care if someone notices your new haircut.

You never have to drive to another gas station because this one’s too “yucky.”

Wrinkles add character.

Wedding dress $5,000; tux rental $100.

New shoes don’t cut, blister, or mangle your feet.

One mood, ALL the time.

Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat.

You know stuff about tanks.

A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase.

You can open all your own jars and bottles.

Dry cleaners and hair stylists don’t rob you blind.

You can leave the motel bed unmade.

You can kill your own food.

If someone forgets to invite you to something, he or she can still be your friend.

You underwear is $8.95 for a three-pack.

If you are 34 and single, nobody notices.

Everything on your face stays its original color.

You can quietly enjoy a car ride from the passenger seat.

Three pairs of shoes are more than enough.

You don’t have to clean your house if the maid is coming.

You don’t mooch off other’s desserts; you order your own.

You don’t split small salad orders with your buddies – you often order two salads.

You don’t have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt.

You almost never have strap problems in public.

You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes.

The same hairstyles last for years – no, make that decades.

You don’t have to shave below your neck.

Your belly usually hides your big hips.

One wallet and one pair of shoes equals one color for ALL seasons.

You can “do” your nails with your pocketknife.

You have freedom of choice concerning growing a mustache.

You can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives, on December 24th, in 45 minutes.

Joke of the Day

On the first day of college, the Dean addressed the students, pointing out some of the rules.

“The female dormitory will be out-of-bounds for all male students, and the male dormitory to the female students. Anybody caught breaking this rule will be fined $25 the first time.”

He continued, “Anybody caught breaking this rule the second time will be fined $50. Being caught a third time will incur a hefty fine of $100. Are there any questions?”

At this point, a male student in the crowd inquired:

“How much for a season pass?”

Joke du Jour

To celebrate their fiftieth wedding anniversary, a couple returned to their honeymoon hotel.

After retiring to bed, the wife said, “Darling, do you remember how you stroked my hair? and so he stroked her hair.”

She reminded him of the way they had cuddled, and so they did.

Then, with a sigh, she whispered, “Won’t you nibble my ear again?”

With that, the husband got out of bed and left the room.

“Where are you going?”, cried the wife.

“To get my teeth”, he said.