Joke of the Day

0 to 200

Bob was in trouble. He forgot his wedding anniversary. His wife was
really angry.

She told him “Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the
driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in 6 seconds AND IT BETTER BE THERE !!”

The next morning he got up early and left for work. When his wife woke
up, she looked out the window and sure enough there was a box
gift-wrapped in the middle of the driveway.

Confused, the wife put on her robe and ran out to the driveway, brought
the box back in the house.

She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale.

Bob has been missing since Friday.

Another Debate

Ok, so I didn’t watch the republican debate last night. They had a lot of nerve scheduling it against Monday Night Football. And not just Monday Night Football, but the Patriots!

So now I have to play catch up.

Here’s what I’ve heard so far. It’s been confirmed for me; Romney is a big government progressive republican. He’s dropped any pretense of Tea Partyism. He’s gone full-bore for support of beltway hack republicans. I do agree with John McRomney on one thing. Social Security is not a Ponzi scheme. It’s much worse. You must opt into a Ponzi scheme & you may also opt out at any time. It’s purely voluntary. See the difference?

Should Mitt show up at any Tea Party event, he should be booed off the stage.

Ditto for Ron Paul. He’s wacked. His stance on Foreign Policy is so far gone, it’s no longer even amusing. I can see George Washington blaming the Continental Congress for Englands’ attack on us. That’s enough of that.

I’m glad to see Perry sticking to his guns regarding Social Security. He can win this argument if he can educate the dopes out there using the Galveston Model or, as Herman Cain extolled, the Chilean Model. I still can’t support Perry largely due to his immigration stance. That just flys in the face of the Tea Party.

At this point, and I’ll probably regret this but, I’m liking Newt a whole bunch. He’s tough, smart, articulate & has all the right answers. I need to find out if he’s had a come to Jesus moment and is truly the Newt of old, or just really good actor.

I’ll have more as I get further into it.

Joke du Jour

A local United Way office realized that the organization had never received a donation from the town’s most successful lawyer. The person in charge of contributions called him to persuade him to contribute.

“Our research shows that out of a yearly income of at least $500,000, you give not a penny to charity. Wouldn’t you like to give back to the community in some way?”

The lawyer mulled this over for a moment and replied, “First, did your research also show that my mother is dying after a long illness, and has medical bills that are several times her annual income?”

Embarrassed, the United Way rep mumbled, “Um … no.”

The lawyer interrupts, “or that my brother, a disabled veteran, is blind and confined to a wheelchair?”

The stricken United Way rep began to stammer out an apology, but was interrupted again.

“or that my sister’s husband died in a traffic accident,” the lawyer’s voice rising in indignation, “leaving her penniless with three children?!”

The humiliated United Way rep, completely beaten, said simply, “I had no idea…”

The lawyer cut him off once again saying, “So if I don’t give any money to them, why should I give any to you?”

9-11

Have you forgotten? Have you forgotten how shocked you felt? How sad you felt? How angry you felt? Where you were? The barrage of human emotions that overcame us all. I was shocked but not saddened. I was pissed off. Whoever did this needed to pay and pay dearly!

We haven’t forgotten and never will. We were angry and plenty of us, once we found out who the enemy was, wanted to wipe them from the face of the planet. Pearl Harbor also galvanized us against our enemies. It caused the same type of hatred for them, but unlike the Japanese & Germans (and the Italians), 40 or 50 years from now these animals will still be trying to kill us.

Although I do mourn the fallen on that day, I’m not as much upset at what happened 10 years ago as I am continually reminded how pitiful our response was & is. Hard choices must be made and I fear will not. We were able to end a World War in about 4 years & yet this is the never-ending story.

Today I mourn the brave men & women that die in battle for us in the name of the status quo. Not enough of us have the stomach to actually defeat this enemy. We don’t have the black & white WWII mentality.

Mourn the fallen today. Stop by a firehouse or police station & say thank you. Never forget how you felt so, God forbid, if it happens again, we can take care of it as if it were World War III, because it is.

God Bless

Joke “Thar She Blows!” o’ th’ Day

A magician worked on a cruise ship. The audience was different each week, so the magician did the same tricks over and over again.
There was just one problem. The captain’s parrot saw the shows each week and began to learn how the magician did every trick. Once the parrot understood, he started shouting in the middle of the show “Look, it’s not the same hat!” or, “Look, he’s hiding the flowers under the table,” or “Hey, why are all the cards the ace of spades?”
The magician was furious, but couldn’t do anything. It was, after all, the captain’s parrot. Then, during a horrific storm, the ship sank. The magician found himself on a piece of wood in the middle of the ocean with, as fate would have it, the parrot.
They stared at each other with hatred, but did not utter a word. This went on for a day and then another and then another.
Finally on the fourth day, the parrot could not hold back and said,
“OK, I give up. How’d you do it?
Where’s the damn ship?”

Spring is in the Air

Question: Who could have seen this coming? Answer: Anyone with a brain.

Ah, the Arab Spring. The democratic uprising of peaceful law-abiding citizens and Al Jazeera is there to document every harmonious moment. Oh, and to blame Israel. There they all were, minded their own business, when one of their innocent brethren was killed in cold blood. That would make anyone spontaneously riot, tear down walls and trash a building. Happens to me every week.

There is no possible way this was a setup. No one ever intended or did any preplanning to storm the Israeli Embassy. Unthinkable.

Seriously, wake up people. This is only the beginning. These are not isolated incidents. They may or may not have centralized coordination but it doesn’t require that. When whole swathes of people have like minds the outcome will be the same. The eventual destruction of Israel & the western culture.

So go ahead and cheer the great democratic uprisings and keep dismissing the obvious. Just remember Martin Niemoller; “They came for me and there was no one left …”.

Joke of the Day

The M.U.N.S.A. test.

Have you an unusual Intelligence? Do you find you lose interest at supposedly “Interesting movies”? It could be that you’re one of the 5% of the population that has the mental capacity of a steaming turd! If so, you may want to join MUNSA – Mentally Unemployed and Noticeably Stupid Association.

Try the questionnaire below. The results could surprise you! If you can’t even read the question, you’re halfway there already – just get someone to fill it out for you.

1. Which of the following WAS one of the famous Marx Brothers?
a. STRETCH
b. SKID
c. HARPO
d. TIRE

2. The number missing from the series (1,2,4,..,16) is:
a. YELLOW
b. GERANIUM
c. 8
d. TIRE

3. The letter missing from the series (a,b,c,..,e) is:
a. Harpo
b. b
c. d
d. TIRE

4. Two trains leave the same station, but moving in opposite directions. The first train is traveling at 50km/hr EAST, while the second one is traveling 50km/hr WEST. Which train is traveling the fastest?
a. The one going EAST
b. The one going WEST
c. Neither
d. Tire
e. Why aren’t there (e.)’s in all the other questions

5. What comes next in the series (RED, GREEN)
a. A car
b. Orange
c. Insufficient Data
d. Tire

6. Mona Lisa was:
a. A dissatisfied Woman
b. A Song by Billy Idol
c. A painting
d. Tire

7. The cold war was about:
a. Ice
b. Harpo
c. A few people at the top not liking each other
d. Tire

8. Complete the following Sequence: (Tire, Tire, Tire)
a. Tire
b. Tire
c. Tire
d. Pardon?

Ok, time to total up all your marks. Those of you who haven’t mastered addition yet, go straight on to the application; you’re the sort of person we’re looking for. If not, Give yourself 5 points for every D; -5 for every C, (+10 if you can’t add negative numbers yet), 0 for every B and 0 for every A you ticked. How did you do?

90 to 50: OK! You’re the sort of person we’re looking for. Add 10 points to your score if you haven’t got the hang of using anything but crayons yet.

50 to -20: Who’s been doing late night studying then? Sorry, you’re just a run of the mill pleb – push off.

-20 to -90: A computer geek I bet. Go join some place where they talk big numbers and floppy disks!

Is 85 between 90 and 50? All right! Go to the bottom of the class! You’re a leading light in our Association; get someone to .fill the form in for you and welcome aboard!

Emperor Ben

I have researched the following article & it appears to be factual.

The first ever GAO audit of the Federal Reserve was carried out in the past
few months due to the Ron Paul, Alan Grayson Amendment to the Dodd-Frank
bill, which passed last year. Jim DeMint, a Republican Senator, and Bernie
Sanders, an independent Senator, led the charge for a Federal Reserve audit
in the Senate, but watered down the original language of the house bill
(HR1207), so that a complete audit would not be carried out. Ben Bernanke,
Alan Greenspan and various other bankers vehemently opposed the audit and
lied to Congress about the effects an audit would have on markets.
Nevertheless, the results of the first audit in the Federal Reserve’s nearly
100-year history were posted on Senator Sander’s web page (July 21, 2011).

What was revealed in the audit was startling:

$16,000,000,000,000.00 (TRILLION) had been secretly given out to US banks
and corporations and foreign banks everywhere from France to Scotland. From
the period between December 2007 and June 2010, the Federal Reserve had
secretly bailed out many of the world’s banks, corporations, and governments. The Federal Reserve likes to refer to these secret bailouts as an all-inclusive loan program, but virtually none of the money has been returned and it was loaned out at 0% interest. Why the Federal Reserve had never been public about this or even informed the United States Congress about the $16 trillion dollar bailout is obvious the American public would
have been outraged to find out that the Federal Reserve bailed out foreign banks while Americans were struggling to find jobs. To place $16 trillion into perspective, remember that GDP of the United States is only $14.12 trillion. The entire national debt of the United States government spanning its 200+ year history is only $14.5 trillion.

The budget that was debated so heavily in Congress and the Senate was only $3.5 trillion. Take all of the outrage and debate over the $1.5 trillion deficit into consideration, and swallow this Red pill: There was no debate about whether $16,000,000,000,000 would be given to failing banks and failing corporations around the world. In late 2008, the TARP Bailout bill was passed and loans of $800 billion were given to failing banks and
companies. That was a blatant lie considering the fact that Goldman Sachs alone received 814 billion dollars. As is turns out, the Federal Reserve donated $2.5 trillion to Citigroup, while Morgan Stanley received $2.04 trillion. The Royal Bank of Scotland and Deutsche Bank, a German bank, split about a trillion and numerous other banks received hefty chunks of the $16 trillion.

When you have conservative Republican stalwarts like Jim DeMint (R-SC) and Ron Paul (R-TX) as well as self identified Democratic socialists like Bernie Sanders all fighting against the Federal Reserve, you know that it isn’t an issue of Right versus Left. When you have every single member of the Republican Party in Congress and progressive Congressmen like Dennis Kucinich sponsoring a bill to audit the Federal Reserve, you realize that the Federal Reserve is an entity onto itself. The Fed has no oversight and no accountability and they’ve fought for years to keep it that way. Wonder why?

They’ve done such a good job of covert ops & coverup, maybe Uncle Ben should be the next CIA Director? That is, after he’s released from the prison he should be in.

Congress should return our country to its original monetary system and do its duty to regulate the coining of the currency of America as per the U.S. Constitution.

Author: Unknown / Attribution: Greg

Joke (more like just fun stuff)

How To Speak Redneck

BARD – verb. Past tense of the infinitive “to borrow.”
Usage: “My brother bard my pickup truck.”

JAWJUH – noun. A highly flammable state just north of
Florida.
Usage: “My brother from Jawjah bard my pickup truck.”

MUNTS – noun. A calendar division.
Usage: “My brother from Jawjuh bard my pickup truck, and I
aint herd from him in munts.”

IGNERT – adjective. Not smart. See “Auburn Alumni.”
Usage: “Them N-C-TWO-A boys sure are ignert!”

RANCH – noun. A tool.
Usage: “I think I left my ranch in the back of that pickup
truck my brother from Jawjuh bard a few munts ago.”

ALL – noun. A petroleum-based lubricant.
Usage: “I sure hope my brother from Jawjuh puts all in my
pickup truck.”

FAR – noun. A conflagration.
Usage: “If my brother from Jawjuh doesn’t change the all in
my pickup truck, that things gonna catch far.”

BAHS – noun. A supervisor.
Usage: “If you don’t stop reading these Southern words and
git back to work, your bahs is gonna far you!”

TAR – noun. A rubber wheel.
Usage: “Gee, I hope that brother of mine from Jawjuh doesn’t
git a flat tar in my pickup truck.”

TIRE – noun. A tall monument.
Usage: “Lord willing and the creeks don’t rise, I sure do
hope to see that Eiffel Tire in Paris sometime.”

HOT – noun. A blood-pumping organ.

HOD – adverb. Not easy.
Usage: “A broken hot is hod to fix.”

RETARD – Verb. To stop working.
Usage: “My granpaw retard at age 65.”

TARRED – adverb. Exhausted.
Usage: “I just flew in from Hot-lanta, and boy my arms are
tarred.”

RATS – noun. Entitled power or privilege.
Usage: “We Southerners are willing to fight for out rats.”

LOT – adjective. Luminescent.
Usage: “I dream of Jeanie in the lot-brown hair.”

FARN – adjective. Not local.
Usage: “I cudnt unnerstand a wurd he sed … must be from
some farn country.”

DID – adjective. Not alive.
Usage: “He’s did, JimBob.”

EAR – noun. A colorless, odorless gas (unless you are in
LA).
Usage: “He can’t breathe … give ’em some ear!”

BOB WAR – noun. A sharp, twisted cable.
Usage: “Boy, stay away from that bob war fence.”

JU-HERE – a question.
Usage: “Juhere that former Dallas Cowboys’ coach Jimmy
Johnson recently toured the University of Alabama?”

HAZE – a contraction.
Usage: “Is Bubba smart?” “Nah … haze ignert.”

SEED – verb, past tense.

VIEW – contraction: verb and pronoun.
Usage: “I ain’t never seed New York City … view?”

HEAVY DEW – phrase. A request for action.
Usage: “Kin I heavy dew me a favor?”

GUMMIT – Noun. An often-closed bureaucratic institution.
Usage: “Great … ANOTHER gummit shutdown!”

Last Night

Bully for Rick Perry for calling Social Security what it is, a Ponzi scheme. For that, I’m a little more hopeful. He should’ve really gone on the attack regarding the Global Warming myth. I haven’t been a Perry man & I’m not still, but I’ll keep watching and listening. Still have questions; mainly illegals & executive orders. He needs to be more down-home. Let his hair down, as it were. That was one of W’s most endearing qualities.

Boo Hiss for the reasonable Romney for believing we’re too stupid to hear the truth about Social Security. It’s too bad Mr. Romney thinks it’s too scary for people to hear. He is a moderate, maybe even a progressive. He certainly appears to be a big-government republican.

Herman Cain is awesome. His 9-9-9 plan sounds very promising. Every answer he gave was well thought, reasoned & passionate. He does need to lighten up a bit. Be more endearing. He’s one of only two that speaks in plain English, not political bullcrap speak. The other is Newt.

Michelle Bachmann, whom I love, can’t be elected. I am now convinced of it. I wish I were wrong. You might as well prop up a wooden manikin. I like what she says, but she sure doesn’t show it. I see absolutely no passion. She barely moves. That saddens me, but that’s the reality. Dress down a little. Drop the Over-the-top Barbie look. Get Real. Look for her to be the V.P.

Newt was awesome. He speaks plainly & with force. He says all the right things; taxes, Bernanke, energy. He is brilliant & would wipe the floor in a debate against Obama. Newt is the epitome of “Knowledge is Power”. He has everything I want except my trust. I’ve previously described him as a convenient conservative. He thinks like me when it appears to be safe to do so. It seems like when he gets some heat, he folds. Not good. I wish I could love Newt, but he scares me.

Santorum simply doesn’t have what it takes. He is constantly speaking of his record in congress. No one cares. Show some passion. Be animated. He is not taking advantage of his limited opportunities. He’s done. Too bad. I like almost everything he stands for.

Ron Paul, I love, like I love my crazy Uncle. I agree with a lot of things he says. He is truly no-nonsense. You know exactly where he stands. He would be my Treasury Secretary.

Jon “The Science is Settled” Huntsman, please. He is John McCain. No chance!

So, what’s the bottom line? In my opinion, Perry, Newt & Cain showed the strongest. Not that these are the frontrunners, just the ones that shown through last night. Newt & Cain may drop out tomorrow, for all I know.
Next debate it may flip completely. It’s still very early.