Joke of the Day


A group of girlfriends is on vacation when they see a 5-story hotel with a sign that reads: “For Women Only.” Since they are without their boyfriends and husbands, they decide to go in.

The bouncer, a very attractive guy, explains to them how it works. “We have 5 floors. Go up floor by floor, and once you find what you are looking for, you can stay there. It’s easy to decide since each floor has a sign telling you what’s inside.”

So they start going up and on the first floor the sign reads: “All the men on this floor are short and plain.” The friends laugh and without hesitation move on to the next floor.

The sign on the second floor reads: “All the men here are short and handsome.” Still, this isn’t good enough, so the friends continue on up.

They reach the third floor and the sign reads: “All the men here are tall and plain.”

They still want to do better, and so, knowing there are still two floors left, they continued on up.

On the fourth floor, the sign is perfect: “All the men here are tall and handsome.” The women get all excited and are going in when they realize that there is still one floor left. Wondering what they are missing, they head on up to the fifth floor.

There they find a sign that reads: “There are no men here. This floor was built only to prove that there is no way to please a woman.”

Love me some Football

Rumblin, Bumblin, Stumblin


I’ve had a request from one of my readers for a football update. I thought of just going through the ever-mounting injury report but that would take forever. Maybe it’s me, but it seems as if the injuries are stacking up rapidly this year. I wonder if it has anything to do with the lockout. No spring camps. No regimented off-season conditioning programs. Just training camp with the dopey limited full pad practice format. Safety first, ya know. Then they get thrown into games with full contact. Guys don’t know the plays. They haven’t practiced together, in a lot of cases. Seems like a recipe for injuries. Maybe it is just me.

Anywho; Let’s break it down going into week three.

AFC East: Pats are 2-0 of course. Bought a new Brady jersey to celebrate. Hope I don’t jinx them. Jets are 2-0. BOO! No big surprise, although they’re not exactly stomping on people. That’s typical of them early. Then we have the 2-0 Bills. Huh? Ok, they played some crappy teams, but that’s the schedule. We’ll see this weekend. Big test. Pats are comin. The Dolphins appear to have supplanted the Bills as the basement dwellers. That should continue.

I could stop there, cause frankly I don’t give a crap about any other teams but the Patriots & the Jets, at least until later in the season. I will go through a few others.

AFC North: It will be the Steelers & the Ravens again this year. Browns look ok but they can’t hang with the others.

AFC South: Could it be? Will the Texans finally break through? If Houston blows it this year with the Mannings, I mean the Colts reeling, just pack them up & move them to L.A.

AFC West: Chargers, but really, who cares.

NFC East: I have no idea. The dream team (Eagles) may come through late. They have a lot of new players to gel still. Cowboys, no. Giants, nah. Could it be the Skins? Anything is possible, but I don’t see it.

NFC North: Toughest division in football. The Pack, Bears, Lions, Vikes. Guess you have to pick the Packers. This is a toss up. The Vikings are the odd team out & it will probably stay that way.

NFC South: Despite the record of the Falcons last year, I’ve got to go with the Saints. Bucs may make some noise. Maybe play a spoiler roll & the Panthers are just too young. They look better than I thought they would.

NFC West: Really? 49ers, Rams, Cards, Seahags. Enough said.

The advantage this year will go to the more veteran teams with veteran coaches that have been playing together for a while. They know each other & the playbook.

There ya go.

Joke of the Day

Three golfing buddies died in an auto accident and went to heaven. Upon arrival, they noticed the most beautiful golf course they had ever seen. St. Peter told them they were welcome to play the course, but he cautioned them with one rule: “Don’t step on the ducks.”

The men had blank expressions on their faces, and finally one of them said, “The ducks?” “Yes,” St. Peter said. “There are millions of ducks walking around the golf course, and when one of them is stepped on, he squawks, and then the one next to him squawks, and soon they’re all raising hell and it really breaks the tranquility. If you step on the ducks, you’ll be punished.”

The men start playing the course, and within 15 minutes, one of the guys stepped on a duck. The duck squawked, and soon there was a deafening roar of ducks quacking. St. Peter appeared with an extremely homely woman and asked, “Who stepped on a duck?” “I did,” admitted one of the men. St. Peter immediately pulled out a pair of handcuffs and cuffed the man to the homely woman. “I told you not to step on the ducks,” he said. “Now you’ll be handcuffed together for eternity.”

The two other men were very cautious not to step on any ducks, but a couple of weeks later, one of them accidentally did. The quacks were as deafening as before, and within minutes, St. Peter walked up with a woman who was even uglier than the other one. He determined who stepped on the duck by seeing the fear in the man’s face, and he cuffed him to the woman. “I told you not to step on the ducks,” St. Peter said. “Now you’ll be handcuffed together for eternity.”

The third man was extremely careful. Some days he wouldn’t even move for fear of nudging a duck. After three months of this, he still hadn’t stepped on a duck. St. Peter walked up to the man and had with him the most beautiful woman the man had ever seen. St. Peter smiled and without a word, handcuffed him to the beautiful woman and walked off.

The man, knowing that he would be handcuffed to this woman for eternity, let out a sigh and said, “What have I done to deserve this?” The woman replied: “I don’t know about you, but I stepped on a duck.”

All I want is a Jew Free State

This place wouldn’t be so bad if we could just get rid of all them dang Jews!

There seems to be a big flap about comments made recently by Maen Rashid Areikat, the Palestinian envoy to the United States, over whether a new Palestinian State should be Jew-free. I don’t think there is much controversy at all. That is what he said. And not just Jews, but homosexuals. We all know how much the Moslems love both those groups.

This is what the Ambassador said during a breakfast briefing hosted by the Christian Science Monitor. “Well, I personally still believe that as a first step we need to be totally separated, and we can contemplate these issues in the future. After the experience of 44 years of military occupation and all the conflict and friction, I think it will be in the best interests of the two peoples to be separated first.”

The Huffington Post reported it as, “A firestorm over remarks by a senior Palestinian diplomat about the future Palestinian state was the result of misquoting and misinterpretation.” Where are the misquotes & misinterpretation? We need to be totally seperated. How is that a misinterpretation? In the interview with HuffPost, Areikat reiterated that Israeli soldiers and settlers — “persons who are amid an occupation, who are in my land illegally” — would be rejected from the new Palestinian state. Again, I ask, how is there any confusion? Also, his land? What land. There is no Palestinian State.

As far as homosexuals are concerned, Palestinian gays and lesbians frequently seek refuge in Israel because of anti-gay persecution in the disputed West Bank territory and the Gaza Strip. The Hamas-controlled Gaza strip has declared lethal homophobia to be its policy. Hamas cofounder Mahmoud Zahar has said, “You in the West do not live like human beings. You do not even live like animals. You accept homosexuality. And now you criticize us?”

In an April broadcast on Hamas’s Al-Aksa TV, which was translated by the Middle East Media Research Institute (MEMRI), Syrian academic Muhammad Rateb al- Nabulsi said, “Homosexuality involves a filthy place, and does not generate offspring. Homosexuality leads to the destruction of the homosexual. That is why, brothers, homosexuality carries the death penalty.” Holy Crap!

I’m not a big supporter of homosexuality, but I’m not going to wish them all dead.

Now Palestinian President Mahmoud Abbas is bringing the issue of Palestinian statehood to the U.N. this week. Ah, the United Nations. The most useless organization on the planet. Filled to the brim with despots that hate both the U.S. & especially Israel. That will go well, I predict. No matter what is requested by Abbas, Israel will lose. He will probably go before the U.N. security council first. That way he can see if the U.S. will veto the statehood proposal as promised. Obama has vowed to veto it, as much as he doesn’t want to, I’m sure. I think he hates Israel as much as the Arabs. My guess is that Abbas & the other Arab states want either a veto or an abstention. That way they can blame whatever follows on the great satan. That would be us.

This is not going to be good. I guarantee it. Israel is being set up once again. This time, however, it’s not just the Moslems. The rest of world is beginning to fall in line. For the first time, I really fear that Israel may actually fall.

Witz des Tages

A woman and a man are involved in a car accident. It’s a bad one. Both their cars are totally demolished but amazingly neither of them is hurt.

After they crawl out of their cars, the woman says, “So you’re a
man; that’s interesting. I’m a woman. Wow, just look at our cars!
They’re destroyed, but fortunately we are unhurt. This must be
a sign that we should meet and be friends and live together in peace for the rest of our days.”

Flattered, the man replied, “Oh yes, I agree with you completely! This must be a sign!”

The woman continued, “And look at this, here’s another miracle.
My car is completely demolished but this bottle of wine didn’t
break. Surely this must be a sign from above to have us to drink this wine and celebrate our good fortune.”

Then she hands the bottle to the man. The man nods his head in
agreement, opens it and drinks half the bottle and then hands it
back to the woman.

The woman takes the bottle, immediately puts the cork back in, and
hands it back to the man.

The man asks, “Aren’t you having any?”

The woman replies, “No. I think I’ll just wait for the police…”

I’m Filled with…Well Rage!

Typical American

Ah yes, its late summer in the Big Apple. What shall we do today? I know. Let us go protest the capitalist pigs. What shall we call it? How about “The Day of Rage”? We can make nifty signs & stand around, wave our signs & shout neato slogans like, “The rich are making us poor”! But I don’t think the rich are making me poor. So what, it sounds good, right? Yeah, right. Let’s do this. Where should we do this? Well, Wall Street silly, where else. That’s where all the fat cat rich bankers are. But it’s Saturday. They’re not even there. Well I just got a tweet that says be there today.

And so began the first annual “Day of Rage”. It wasn’t at all spontaneous. Starting back in March , ACORN founder Wade Rathke announced what he called “days of rage in 10 cities around JP Morgan Chase.” Rathke was president of an SEIU local in New Orleans. Let’s see; we have SEIU, ACORN & Code Pink. Fine upstanding & pro-American organizations all. The festivities are also being organized by Stephen Lerner of SEIU. Coincidentally, both friends of our President. Oh, that’s right, Obama was an ACORN lawyer. Lerner is a radical leftist. Rathke, the same. Lerner is the one that organized the recent SEIU, “Justice for Janitors” campaign.

We had more people at the Manchester Tea Party Rally

According to the website Adbusters, a group promoting the demonstration, the goal of “#OccupyWallStreet” is to get President Obama to establish a commission to end “the influence money has over our representatives in Washington.” The group advocates camping out in Manhattan for months if needed to get the message across. Yeah, that’ll happen. The “Occupy Wall Street” website did instruct protestors to do so peacefully but as part of his planned protests, Lerner called for “a week of civil disobedience, direct action all over the city.” Lerner outlined his goals: “How do we bring down the stock market? How do we bring down their bonuses? How do we interfere with their ability to, to be rich?”

Is that a Stone Tablet?

I’m sure this will turn out just fine. After all, with these historically peaceful organizations running things, what could go wrong? Apparently nothing. I just got word the crowd was estimated at around 1,000. They were expecting 20,000. Oh well, maybe next time.

Joke(s) of the Day

They’re short, so take two.

Doctor: “I have some bad news and some very bad news.”
Patient: “Well, might as well give me the bad news first.”
Doctor: “The lab called with your test results. They said you have 24 hours to live.”
Patient: “24 HOURS! That’s terrible!! WHAT could be WORSE? What’s the VERY bad news?”
Doctor: “I’ve been trying to reach you since yesterday.”

A policeman spots a woman driving and knitting at the same time. Driving up beside her, he shouts out the window… “Pull over!”

“No,” she shouts back, “a pair of socks!”

They Love Me…They Really Love Me!

If we love the president we must pressure our legislators to vote for his jobs bill. Loving Obama is a great reason to pass a bill. That’s in the Constitution, right? If not, it should be.

The Prez must have his mojo back as the New York Post reported today, “More Americans want their member of Congress to vote in favor of the president’s jobs bill than against it by a 45% to 32% margin, according to a Gallup poll released Wednesday”.

Oh no! That’s terrible news for all us right-wing wackos. Or is it? Let’s take a gander at the poll, shall we?

First thing to learn about trusting poll numbers is who conducted it. Gallup is a red flag right off the bat. But let us break it down. Maybe I’m wrong? Wrong, yeah, that’s a good one.

Here is the verbatim question that was asked to the participants:
“How closely have you been following the news about President Obama’s jobs bill, which he outlined in a speech to Congress last Thursday night– very closely, somewhat closely, not too closely or not at all?”

Answers: Very Closely = 22%, Somewhat Closely = 34%, Not too Closely = 22%, Not at All = 21%, No Opinion = 2%
Huh? So the people who have been paying no attention at all are virtually equal to very attentive ones? Yet their opinion is counted.

Now let’s take a look at how they found these scholars.

The following is direct from Gallup:
Interviews are conducted with respondents on landline telephones and cellular phones, with interviews conducted in Spanish for respondents who are primarily Spanish-speaking. Each daily sample of 1,000 national adults includes a minimum quota of 400 cell phone respondents and 600 landline respondents, with additional minimum quotas among landline respondents by region. Landline numbers are chosen at random among listed telephone numbers; cell phone numbers are selected using random-digit dial methods. Landline respondents are chosen at random within each household on the basis of which member had the most recent birthday.

Samples are weighted by gender, age, race, Hispanic ethnicity, education, region, adults in the household, phone status (cell phone only/landline only/both, having an unlisted landline number, and cell phone mostly). Demographic weighting targets are based on the March 2010 Current Population Survey figures for the age 18+ non-institutionalized population living in U.S. telephone households. All reported margins of sampling error include the computed design effects for weighting and sample design.

Sounds like they just spoke with first schmo that answered the phone. No mention of citizenship. No question of their voting status. No sample narrowing at all.

This poll, as I suspected, is total Crap and is meant only to sway the general, Jersey Shore watching, uninvolved masses as well as scare the ill-informed and spineless Congress.

The President’s bill is a boondoggle, should not be passed and I don’t love him.

Joke of the Day

Think you may be having a Bad Day?

So this guy is sitting at a bar, just looking at his drink. He stays like that for half hour.

After a while, this big truck driver walks in & sits next to him. The trucker takes the guy’s drink and chugs it all down. The poor man starts crying. The truck driver says, “Come on man, I was just joking. Here, I’ll buy you another drink. I just can’t stand to see a man cry.”

“No, it’s not that”, the guy says. “This is the worst day of my life. First, my alarm doesn’t go off and I’m late getting to my office. My boss was outraged & he fired me. When I left the building to go to my car, I found it was stolen. The police said they could do nothing. I hailed a cab to go home, and then remembered I left my wallet and credit cards there. The cab driver just drove away.”

“I finally get home, and when I walk in, I find my wife in bed with the gardener. I leave home, and come to this bar. And just when I was about to put an end to my life, you show up and drink my poison.”