Broma del Día

A man was driving along the highway, and saw a rabbit hopping across the middle of the road. He swerved to avoid hitting the rabbit, but unfortunately the rabbit jumped in front of the car and was hit. The driver, being a sensitive man as well as an animal lover, pulled over to the side of the road and got out to see what had become of the rabbit. Much to his dismay, the rabbit was dead. The driver felt so awful he began to cry.

A woman driving down the highway saw the man crying on the side of the road and pulled over. She stepped out of her car and asked the man what was wrong.

“I feel terrible,” he explained. “I accidentally hit this rabbit and killed it.”

The woman told the man not to worry. She knew what to do. She went to her car trunk and pulled out a spray can. She walked over to the limp, dead rabbit, and sprayed the contents of the can onto the rabbit. Miraculously, the rabbit came to life, jumped up, waved its paw at the two humans and hopped down the road. 50 feet away the rabbit stopped, turned around, waved at the two again, hopped down the road another 50 feet, turned, waved, and hopped another 50 feet. The man was astonished. He couldn’t figure out what substance could be in the woman’s spray can! He ran over to the woman and demanded, ” What was in your spray can? What did you spray onto that rabbit?” The woman turned the can around so that the man could read the label. It said:

“‘Hare Spray’ Restores Life to Dead Hare. Adds Permanent Wave.”

Blague du jour

A man is in a bar and falling off his stool every couple of minutes. He is obviously drunk. So the bartender says to another man in the bar: “Why don’t you be a good Samaritan and take him home.”

The man takes the drunk out the door and to his car and he stumbles at least ten times. They drive along and the drunk points out his house to the man. He stops the car and the drunk stumbles up the steps to his house with the man.

The drunk’s wife greets them at the door: “Why thank you for bringing him home for me, but where’s his wheel chair?”

Joke of the Day

These are actual quotes said by various sports figures.

Oiler coach Bum Phillips: When asked by Bob Costas why he takes his wife on all the road trips, Phillips responded, “Because she is too ugly to kiss goodbye.”

New Orleans Saint RB George Rogers when asked about the upcoming season:”I want to rush for 1,000 or 1,500 yards, whichever comes first.”

And, upon hearing Joe Jacoby of the ‘Skins say “I’d run over my own mother to win the Super Bowl,” Matt Millen of the Raiders said, “To win, I’d run over Joe’s mom too.”

Football commentator and former player Joe Theismann 1996: “Nobody in football should be called a genius. A genius is a guy like Norman Einstein.”

Senior basketball player at the University of Pittsburgh: “I’m going to graduate on time, no matter how long it takes.” Bill Peterson, a Florida State football coach: “You guys line up alphabetically by height.” and “You guys pair up in groups of three, then line up in a circle.”

Clemson recruit Ray Forsythe, who was ineligible as a freshman because of academic requirements: “I play football. I’m not trying to be a professor. The tests don’t seem to make sense to me, measuring your brain on stuff I haven’t been through in school.”

Boxing promoter Dan Duva on Mike Tyson hooking up again with promoter Don King: “Why would anyone expect him to come out smarter? He went to prison for three years, not Princeton.”

Stu Grimson, Chicago Blackhawks left wing, explaining why he keeps a color photo of himself above his locker: “That’s so when I forget how to spell my name, I can still find my fucking clothes.”

Shaquille O’Neal on whether he had visited the Parthenon during his visit to Greece: “I can’t really remember the names of the clubs that we went to.”

Shaquille O’Neal, on his lack of championships: “I’ve won at every level, except college and pro.”

Lou Duva, veteran boxing trainer, on the Spartan training regime of heavyweight Andrew Golota: “He’s a guy who gets up at six o’clock in the morning regardless of what time it is.”

Pat Williams, Orlando Magic general manager, on his team’s 7-27 record: “We can’t win at home. We can’t win on the road.. As general manager, I just can’t figure out where else to play.”

Just a Joke

A man is stranded on a desert island, all alone for ten years. One day, he sees a speck in the horizon. He thinks to himself, “It’s not a ship.” The speck gets a little closer and he thinks, “It’s not a boat.” The speck gets even closer and he thinks, “It’s not a raft.” Then, out of the surf comes this gorgeous blonde woman, wearing a wet suit and scuba gear. She comes up to the guy and says, “How long has it been since you’ve had a cigarette?”

“Ten years!”, he says.

She reaches over and unzips a waterproof pocket on her left sleeve and pulls out a pack of fresh cigarettes.

He takes one, lights it, takes a long drag, and says, “Man, oh man! Is that good!”

Then she asked, “How long has it been since you’ve had a drink of whiskey?”

He replies, “Ten years!”

She reaches over, unzips her waterproof pocket on her right sleeve, pulls out a flask and gives it to him.

He takes a long swig and says, “Wow, that’s fantastic!”

Then she starts unzipping a longer zipper that runs down the front of her wet suit and she says to him, “And how long has it been since you’ve had some real fun?”

And the man replies, “Wow! Don’t tell me that you’ve got golf clubs in there!”

Git Er Dun

Direct Quote from ‘Larry, the cable guy’

“Even after the Super Bowl victory of the New Orleans Saints,
I have noticed a large number of people implying with bad jokes
that Cajuns aren’t smart.

I would like to state for the record that I disagree with that assessment.

Anybody that would build a city 5 feet below sea level in a
hurricane zone and fill it with Democrats is a damn genius”.

Gotta Laugh

I don’t care who you are, this is funny!

A little Muslim kid, crying, can’t find his mother in the supermarket.

The store attendant says ‘What does your mother look like?’

The kid says “How the f— would I know?!?!?!?!?”;

Why I’m Depressed

 

 

Why I’m Depressed

Over five thousand years ago, Moses said to the children of Israel , “Pick up your shovels, mount your asses and camels, and I will lead you to the Promised Land.”

Nearly 75 years ago, (when Welfare was introduced) Roosevelt said, “Lay down your shovels, sit on your asses, and light up a Camel, this is the Promised Land.”

Today, the government has stolen your shovel, taxed your asses, raised the price of Camels and mortgaged the Promised Land!

I was so depressed last night thinking about Health Care Plans, the economy, the wars, lost jobs, savings, Social Security, retirement funds, and everything…

I called a Suicide Hotline. I had to press 1 for English.

I was connected to a call center…in Pakistan . I told them I was suicidal. They got excited and asked if I could drive a truck.

(Unknown Author)