Joke of the Day

Cash, check or charge?” the cashier asked after folding items the woman wished to purchase.

As the woman fumbled for her wallet, the cashier noticed a remote control for a television set in her purse.

“Do you always carry your TV remote?” the cashier asked.

“No,” she replied. “But my husband refused to come shopping with me, so I figured this was the most evil thing I could do to him.”

Joke of the Day

This duck walks into a convenience store and asks the clerk, “Do you have any grapes?”

The clerk says no, and the duck leaves. The next day, the duck returns and asks, “Do you have any grapes?” The clerk again says no, and the duck leaves.

The day after that, the duck walks in the store again and asks “Do you have any grapes?” The clerk screams at the duck, “You’ve come in here the past two days and asked if we had any grapes. I’ve told you no, every time. We don’t have any grapes!

I swear if you come back in here again, and ask for grapes, I’ll nail your webbed feet to the floor!!” The duck left, and returned the next day. This time he asked, “Do you have any nails?”

The clerk replied, “No,” and the duck said, “Good! Got any grapes?”

Joke of the Day

There was a knock on the door this morning.

I opened it to find a young, well-dressed man standing there who said:

“Hello, sir, I’m a Jehovah’s Witness.”

So I said, “Come in and sit down.”

I offered him a fresh cup of coffee and asked “What do you want to talk about?

He said, “Beats the hell out of me, I’ve never gotten this far before.”

Attribution: Karen

Joke of the Day

Two golfers were having a drink at their country club. “I heard about your terrible tragedy last week,” said one.

“Yes,” said the other sadly, sipping his drink. “I was playing a two-some with Winthrop, and he had a heart attack right there on the ninth green.”

“I understand you carried him all the way back to the clubhouse too,” the first man said sympathetically. “That must have been very difficult, considering Winthrop weighed over two hundred and fifty pounds.”

“The carrying wasn’t that hard. It was putting him down at every stroke, then picking him up again that wore me out.”

Joke of the Day

In church on Sunday, I overheard the little old lady in the pew next to me saying a short private prayer.

It was so sweet and sincere that I just
had to share it with you:

Dear Lord,

These past couple of years have been tough…. You have taken my favorite
Actor, Patrick Swayze.

You’ve taken my favorite actress, Elizabeth Taylor and my favorite cowboy James Arness.

You’ve taken my favorite athlete Bob Feller, my favorite singer Lena Horne and my favorite salesman Billy Mays.

I just wanted you to know that my

favorite president is…

Barack Obama.

Amen!!

Witz des Tages

Barack Obama met with the German Chancellor, Angela Merkel. He asked her, “Chancellor, how do you run such a tight ship around here? Are there… any tips you can give to me?”
‎”Well,” said Merkel, “the most important thing is to surround yourself with intelligent people.” Obama frowned, and then asked, “But how do I know the people around me are really intelligent?”

The Chancellor said, “Oh, that’s easy; you just ask them to answer an intelligent riddle.” She pushed a button on her intercom. “Please … send in Vice Chancellor Philipp Roesler, would you?”

Mr. Roesler walked into the room and said, “Yes, Ma’am?” Merkel smiled and said, “Answer me this please, Philipp. Your mother and father have a child. It is not your brother and it is not your sister. Who is it?”
Without pausing for a moment, the Vice Chancellor answered, “That would be me.”
“Yes! Very good,” said the Chancellor.

Obama went back home and ask Vice President Joe Biden the same question. “Joe, answer this for me. Your mother and your father have a child. It’s not your brother and it’s not your sister. Who is it?” “I’m not sure,” said Biden. “Let me get back to you on that one…” He went to his advisors and asked every one, but none could give him an answer.

Finally, he ran into Herman Cain eating out one night. Biden asked, “Herman, can you answer this for me? Your mother and father have a child and it’s not your brother or your sister. Who is it?”
Immediately Cain answered back, “That’s easy, it’s me!”

Biden smiled, and said, “Thanks!” Then, he went back to speak with Obama. “Say, I did some research and I have the answer to that riddle. It’s Herman Cain!”
Obama got up, stomped over to Biden, and angrily yelled into his face, “No! You idiot! It’s Philipp Roesler!”

Joke of the Day

A cabbie picks up a Nun.
She gets into the cab, and notices that the VERY handsome cab driver won’t stop staring at her.

She asks him why he is staring.
He replies: “I have a question to ask, but I don’t want to offend you.”
She answers, “My son, you cannot offend me. When you’re
as old as I am and have been a nun as long as I, you get a
chance to see and hear just about everything. I’m sure that
there’s nothing you could say or ask that I would find offensive.”

“Well, I’ve always had a fantasy to have a nun kiss me.”

She responds,”Well, let’s see what we can do about that: #1, you have to be single and #2, you must be Catholic.”

The cab driver is very excited and says, “Yes, I’m single and Catholic!”

‘OK’ the nun says. “Pull into the next alley.” The nun fulfills his fantasy with a kiss that would make a hooker blush.

But when they get back on the road, the cab driver starts crying.

“My dear child,” said the nun, “Why are you crying?”

“Forgive me but I’ve sinned. I lied and I must confess; I’m married and I’m Jewish.”

The nun says, “That’s OK. My name is Kevin and I’m going to a Halloween party.”

Attribution: Karen

Barzelletta del giorno

Tony had just finished reading a new book entitled, ‘You Can Be The Man of Your House.’

He stormed into the kitchen and to his wife announced, ‘From now on, you need to know that I am the man of this house and my word is Law. You will prepare me a gourmet meal tonight, and when I’m finished eating my meal, you will serve me a sumptuous dessert.

After dinner, you are going to go upstairs with me and we will have the kind of sex that I want. Afterwards, you are going to draw me a bath so I can relax. You will wash my back and towel me dry and bring me my robe.

Then, you will massage my feet and hands. Then tomorrow, guess who’s going to dress me and comb my hair?’

His Sicilian wife Gina replied, “The damn funeral director would be my first guess.”

Joke of the Day

There is a factory in Northern Minnesota which makes the Tickle Me Elmo dolls. The toy laughs when you tickle it under the arms. Well, Lena is hired at The Tickle Me Elmo factory and she reports for her first day promptly at 8:00 AM.

The next day at 8:45 AM there is a knock at the Personnel Manager’s door. The Foreman throws open the door and begins to rant about the new employee. He complains that she is incredibly slow and the whole line is backing up, putting the entire production line behind schedule.

The Personnel Manager decides he should see this for himself, so the 2 men march down to the factory floor. When they get there the line is so backed up that there are Tickle Me Elmo’s all over the factory floor and they’re really beginning to pile up. At the end of the line stands Lena surrounded by mountains of Tickle Me Elmo’s.

She has a roll of plush red fabric and a huge bag of small marbles. The 2 men watch in amazement as she cuts a little piece of fabric, wraps it around two marbles and begins to carefully sew the little package between Elmo’s legs.

The Personnel Manager bursts into laughter. After several minutes of hysterics he pulls himself together and approaches Lena. “I’m sorry,” he says to her, barely able to keep a straight face, “but I think you misunderstood the instructions I gave you yesterday…”

“Your job is to give Elmo two test tickles.”

Joke of the Day

A young man was walking through a supermarket to pick up a few things when he noticed an old lady following him around. Thinking nothing of it, he ignored her and continued on.

Finally he went to the checkout line, but she got in front of him. “Pardon me,” she said, “I’m sorry if my staring at you has made you feel uncomfortable. It’s just that you look just like my son, who just died recently.” “I’m very sorry,” replied the young man, “is there anything I can do for you?” “Yes,” she said, “As I’m leaving, can you say ‘Goodbye, Mother’? It would make me feel so much better.” “Sure,” answered the young man.

As the old woman was leaving, he called out, “Goodbye, Mother!” As he stepped up to the checkout counter, the cashier said, “That will be $127.50.” “How can that be?” he asked, “I only purchased a few things!”

“Your mother said that you would pay for her,” said the clerk.