There’s nothing worse than a Doctor’s Receptionist who insists on full diclosier of your ailment in a room full of other patients.
A 75-year-old man walked into his doctors office. He entered the crowded waiting room and approached the reception desk.
The Receptionist said, “Yes sir, what are you seeing the Doctor for today?”
“There’s something wrong with my penis”, he replied.
“Why not, you asked me what was wrong and I told you,” he said.
The Receptionist replied; “Now you’ve caused some embarrassment in this room full of people.”
“You should have said something like, there is problem with my ear or something and discussed the condition further with the Doctor in private.”
The man replied, “You shouldn’t ask people questions in a roomful of strangers if the answer could embarrass anyone.”
The man walked out, waited several minutes, and then re-entered.
The Receptionist smiled smugly and asked, “Yes?”
“There’s something wrong with my ear,” he stated.
The Receptionist nodded approvingly and smiled, knowing he had taken her advice.
“And what is wrong with your ear, Sir?”
“I can’t pee out of it,” he replied.
The waiting room erupted in laughter.
A married couple had been out Christmas shopping at the mall for most of the afternoon.
Suddenly, the wife realized that her husband had disappeared.
Husband: “Darling do you remember that jewelry shop where you saw that diamond necklace? You totally fell in love with it. I didn’t have the
money at that time and said, Baby, it’ll be yours one day?”
Wife, with a smile blushing: “Yes, I remember that my Love.”
Husband: “Well, I’m in the bar next to that shop.”
And lo, in the year 2011, the Lord came unto Noah, who was now living in the United States, and said:
“Once again, the earth has become wicked and over-populated, and I see the end of all flesh before me.”
He gave Noah the blueprints, saying, “You have 6 months to build the ark before I will start the unending rain for 40 days and 40 nights.”
Six months later, the Lord looked down and saw Noah weeping in his yard, but there was no ark.
“Noah! I’m about to start the rain! Where is the ark?”
“Forgive me, Lord,” begged Noah, “but things have changed.”
“I needed a building permit.”
“I’ve been arguing with the inspector about the need for a sprinkler system.”
“Then the Department of Transportation demanded a bond be posted for the future costs of moving power lines and other overhead obstructions, to clear the passage for the ark’s move to the sea. I told them that the sea would be coming to us, but they would hear nothing of it.”
“Getting the wood was another problem. There’s a ban on cutting local trees in order to save the spotted owl.”
“I tried to convince the environmentalists that I needed the wood to save the owls, but no go!”
“When I started gathering the animals, an animal rights group sued me. They insisted that I was confining wild animals against their will. They argued the accommodations were too restrictive, and it was cruel and inhumane to put so many animals in a confined space.”
“Then the EPA ruled that I couldn’t build the ark until they’d conducted an environmental impact study on your proposed flood.”
“I’m still trying to resolve a complaint with the Human Rights Commission on how many minorities I’m supposed to hire for my building crew.”
“Immigration and Naturalization are checking the green-card status of most of the people who want to work.”
“The trades unions say I can’t use my sons. They insist I have to hire only Union workers with ark-building experience.
“To make matters worse, the IRS seized all my assets, claiming I’m trying to leave the country illegally with endangered species.”
“So, forgive me, Lord, but it would take at least 10 years for me to finish this Ark.”
“No,” said the Lord. “The government beat me to it.”
The principal stops Johnny and asks him, “Why are you running?”
Little Johnny says, “Im keeping two kids from fighting, sir.”
“Who?” asked the principal.
“Me and the kid chasing me!” and off he went.
2) Actual Police Quotes:
“The handcuffs are tight because they’re new. They’ll stretch out after you wear them awhile.”
“So, you don’t know how fast you were going. I guess that means I can write anything I want on the ticket, huh?”
“Yes sir, you can talk to the shift supervisor, but I don’t think it will help. Oh, did I mention that I am the shift supervisor?”
“The answer to this last question will determine whether you are drunk or not. Was Mickey Mouse a cat or dog?”
“Yeah, we have a quota. Two more tickets and my wife gets a toaster oven.”
“Life’s tough, it’s tougher if you’re stupid.”
“Just how big were those two beers?
A man, on his way to work, is travelling on the Washington Beltway. He comes up on a traffic jam & becomes stuck. Nothing is moving.
“Terrorists have kidnapped Congress & the President. They are demanding a $10 million dollar ransom. Otherwise, they are going to douse them all in gasoline and set them on fire. We are going from car to car, taking up a collection.”
“How much is everyone giving, on average?” the driver asks.
The man replies, “About a gallon.”
1) An efficiency expert concluded his lecture with a note of caution. “You don’t want to try these techniques at home.”
“Why not?” asked somebody from the audience.
“I watched my wife’s routine at breakfast for years,” the expert explained. “She made lots of trips between the refrigerator, stove, table and cabinets, often carrying a single
item at a time. One day I told her, ‘Hon, why don’t you try carrying several things at once?'”
“Did it save time?” the person in the audience asked.
“Actually, yes,” replied the expert. “It used to take her 20 minutes to make breakfast. Now I do it in seven.”
2) A young businessman had just started his own firm. He rented a beautiful office and had it furnished with antiques. Sitting there, he saw a man come into the outer office. Wishing to appear the hot shot, the businessman picked up the phone and started to pretend he had a big deal working.
He threw huge figures around and made giant commitments. Finally he hung up and asked the visitor, “”Can I help you?””
The man said, “”Yeah, I’ve come to activate your phone lines.”