Frank & John went on a bear hunting trip.
While Frank decided to sleep in, John got up early and went out looking for a bear.
The enraged bear charged toward him. John dropped his rifle and started running for the cabin as fast as he could.
He ran pretty fast but the bear was just a little faster and gained on him with every step.
Just as he reached the open cabin door, John tripped and fell flat.
Too close behind to stop, the bear tripped over him and went rolling into the cabin.
John jumped up, closed the cabin door and yelled to Frank inside, “You finish off this one while I go and get another!”
Three old men were sitting around and talking.
The 85 year-old said, “The best thing that could happen to me is if I could have one good bowel movement. I take every kind of laxative I can get my hands on and it’s still a problem.”
Then the 90 year-old said, “That’s not my problem. Every morning at 6:00 am sharp, I have a good long pee. At around 6:30 am I have a great bowel movement.
The best thing that could happen to me would be if I could wake up before 7:00 am
An old couple were sitting on the porch one afternoon rocking in their rocking chairs. All the sudden the old man reaches over and slaps his wife.
She says, “Well what was that for?”
She doesn’t reply and they start rocking again.
All the sudden the old lady reaches up and slaps her husband.
He says, “Well what was that for?”
She says, “That’s for knowing the difference!”
A sister and brother are talking to each other when the little boy gets up and walks over to his Grandpa and says, “Grandpa, please make a frog noise.”
The Grandpa says, “No.”
The little boy goes on, “Please .. please make a frog noise.”
The Grandpa says, “No, now go play.”
The little boy then says to his sister, “Go tell Grandpa to make a frog noise.”
The Grandpa says, “I just told your brother ‘no’ and I’m telling you ‘no’.” The little girl says, “Please .. please Grandpa make a frog noise.” The Grandpa says, “Why do you want me to make a frog noise?”
The little girl replied, “Because mommy said when you croak we can go to Disney World!”
While shopping in a food store, two nuns happened to pass by the beer, wine, and liquor section. One asked the other if she would like a beer.
The first nun replied that she would handle it without a problem.
She picked up a six-pack and took it to the cashier. The cashier was surprised, so the nun said,”This is for washing our hair”.
Without blinking an eye, the cashier reached under the counter and put a package of pretzel sticks in the bag with the beer.
“The curlers are on me.”
Two Irishmen, Patrick & Michael, were adrift in a lifeboat following a dramatic escape from a burning freighter.
While rummaging through the boat’s provisions, Patrick stumbled across an old lamp. Secretly hoping that a genie would appear, he rubbed the lamp vigorously. To the amazement of Patrick, a genie came forth.
This particular genie, however, stated that he could only deliver one wish, not the standard three.
Without giving much thought to the matter, Patrick blurted out, “Make the entire ocean into Guinness!”
The genie clapped his hands with a deafening crash, and immediately the entire sea turned into the finest brew ever sampled by mortals. Simultaneously, the genie vanished.
Only the gentle lapping of Guinness on the hull broke the stillness as the two men considered their circumstances.
Michael looked disgustedly at Patrick whose wish had been granted. After a long, tension-filled moment, he spoke:
“Nice going Patrick! Now we’re going to have to pee in the boat.”
A school teacher injured his back and had to wear a plaster cast around the upper part of his body.
and was not at all noticeable.
On the first day of school, still with the cast under his shirt, he found himself assigned to the toughest students in school.
Walking confidently into the rowdy classroom, he opened the window as wide as possible and then busied himself with desk work.
When a strong breeze made his tie flap, he took the desk stapler and stapled the tie to his chest.
He had no trouble with discipline that term.
CAT DIARY, 7 entries
DAY 752 – My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects. They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while I am forced to eat dry cereal. The only thing that keeps me going is the hope of escape, and the mild satisfaction I get from ruining the occasional piece of furniture. Tomorrow I may eat another houseplant.
DAY 761 – Today my attempt to kill my captors by weaving around their feet while they were walking almost succeeded, must try this at the top of the stairs. In an attempt to disgust and repulse these vile oppressors, I once again induced myself to vomit on their favorite chair…must try this on their bed.
DAY 762 – Slept all day so that I could annoy my captors with sleep depriving, incessant pleas for food at ungodly hours of the night.
DAY 765 – Decapitated a mouse and brought them the headless body, in attempt to make them aware of what I am capable of, and to try to strike fear into their hearts. They only cooed and condescended about what a good little cat I was…Hmmm. Not working according to plan.
DAY 768 – I am finally aware of how sadistic they are. For no good reason I was chosen for the water torture. This time however it included a burning foamy chemical called “shampoo.” What sick minds could invent such a liquid.
DAY 771 – There was some sort of gathering of their accomplices. I was placed in solitary throughout the event. However, I could hear the noise and smell the foul odor of the glass tubes they call “beer.” More importantly I overheard that my confinement was due to MY power of “allergies.” Must learn what this is and how to use it to my advantage.
DAY 774 – I am convinced the other captives are flunkies and may be snitches. The dog is routinely released and seems more than happy to return.
He is obviously a half-wit. The Bird on the other hand has to be an informant. He has mastered their frightful tongue. (something akin to mole speak) and speaks with them regularly. I am certain he reports my every move. Due to his current placement in the metal room his safety is assured.
But I can wait; it is only a matter of time
Bobby Nichols is attending his psychology class at a college in Texas.
“Sadness,” said Bobby.
“And the opposite of depression, Ms. Biggs?”
“Elation”, she promptly responds.
“And you, Buford, how about the opposite of woe?”
“I believe that would be giddy up…”
The lawyer says “No problem, leave it all to me”.
The man looks somewhat upset … “Well I knew you were going to take the biggest cut, but I’d like to leave a little to my children!