Joke “Thar She Blows!” o’ th’ Day

A magician worked on a cruise ship. The audience was different each week, so the magician did the same tricks over and over again.
There was just one problem. The captain’s parrot saw the shows each week and began to learn how the magician did every trick. Once the parrot understood, he started shouting in the middle of the show “Look, it’s not the same hat!” or, “Look, he’s hiding the flowers under the table,” or “Hey, why are all the cards the ace of spades?”
The magician was furious, but couldn’t do anything. It was, after all, the captain’s parrot. Then, during a horrific storm, the ship sank. The magician found himself on a piece of wood in the middle of the ocean with, as fate would have it, the parrot.
They stared at each other with hatred, but did not utter a word. This went on for a day and then another and then another.
Finally on the fourth day, the parrot could not hold back and said,
“OK, I give up. How’d you do it?
Where’s the damn ship?”

Joke of the Day

The M.U.N.S.A. test.

Have you an unusual Intelligence? Do you find you lose interest at supposedly “Interesting movies”? It could be that you’re one of the 5% of the population that has the mental capacity of a steaming turd! If so, you may want to join MUNSA – Mentally Unemployed and Noticeably Stupid Association.

Try the questionnaire below. The results could surprise you! If you can’t even read the question, you’re halfway there already – just get someone to fill it out for you.

1. Which of the following WAS one of the famous Marx Brothers?
a. STRETCH
b. SKID
c. HARPO
d. TIRE

2. The number missing from the series (1,2,4,..,16) is:
a. YELLOW
b. GERANIUM
c. 8
d. TIRE

3. The letter missing from the series (a,b,c,..,e) is:
a. Harpo
b. b
c. d
d. TIRE

4. Two trains leave the same station, but moving in opposite directions. The first train is traveling at 50km/hr EAST, while the second one is traveling 50km/hr WEST. Which train is traveling the fastest?
a. The one going EAST
b. The one going WEST
c. Neither
d. Tire
e. Why aren’t there (e.)’s in all the other questions

5. What comes next in the series (RED, GREEN)
a. A car
b. Orange
c. Insufficient Data
d. Tire

6. Mona Lisa was:
a. A dissatisfied Woman
b. A Song by Billy Idol
c. A painting
d. Tire

7. The cold war was about:
a. Ice
b. Harpo
c. A few people at the top not liking each other
d. Tire

8. Complete the following Sequence: (Tire, Tire, Tire)
a. Tire
b. Tire
c. Tire
d. Pardon?

Ok, time to total up all your marks. Those of you who haven’t mastered addition yet, go straight on to the application; you’re the sort of person we’re looking for. If not, Give yourself 5 points for every D; -5 for every C, (+10 if you can’t add negative numbers yet), 0 for every B and 0 for every A you ticked. How did you do?

90 to 50: OK! You’re the sort of person we’re looking for. Add 10 points to your score if you haven’t got the hang of using anything but crayons yet.

50 to -20: Who’s been doing late night studying then? Sorry, you’re just a run of the mill pleb – push off.

-20 to -90: A computer geek I bet. Go join some place where they talk big numbers and floppy disks!

Is 85 between 90 and 50? All right! Go to the bottom of the class! You’re a leading light in our Association; get someone to .fill the form in for you and welcome aboard!

Joke (more like just fun stuff)

How To Speak Redneck

BARD – verb. Past tense of the infinitive “to borrow.”
Usage: “My brother bard my pickup truck.”

JAWJUH – noun. A highly flammable state just north of
Florida.
Usage: “My brother from Jawjah bard my pickup truck.”

MUNTS – noun. A calendar division.
Usage: “My brother from Jawjuh bard my pickup truck, and I
aint herd from him in munts.”

IGNERT – adjective. Not smart. See “Auburn Alumni.”
Usage: “Them N-C-TWO-A boys sure are ignert!”

RANCH – noun. A tool.
Usage: “I think I left my ranch in the back of that pickup
truck my brother from Jawjuh bard a few munts ago.”

ALL – noun. A petroleum-based lubricant.
Usage: “I sure hope my brother from Jawjuh puts all in my
pickup truck.”

FAR – noun. A conflagration.
Usage: “If my brother from Jawjuh doesn’t change the all in
my pickup truck, that things gonna catch far.”

BAHS – noun. A supervisor.
Usage: “If you don’t stop reading these Southern words and
git back to work, your bahs is gonna far you!”

TAR – noun. A rubber wheel.
Usage: “Gee, I hope that brother of mine from Jawjuh doesn’t
git a flat tar in my pickup truck.”

TIRE – noun. A tall monument.
Usage: “Lord willing and the creeks don’t rise, I sure do
hope to see that Eiffel Tire in Paris sometime.”

HOT – noun. A blood-pumping organ.

HOD – adverb. Not easy.
Usage: “A broken hot is hod to fix.”

RETARD – Verb. To stop working.
Usage: “My granpaw retard at age 65.”

TARRED – adverb. Exhausted.
Usage: “I just flew in from Hot-lanta, and boy my arms are
tarred.”

RATS – noun. Entitled power or privilege.
Usage: “We Southerners are willing to fight for out rats.”

LOT – adjective. Luminescent.
Usage: “I dream of Jeanie in the lot-brown hair.”

FARN – adjective. Not local.
Usage: “I cudnt unnerstand a wurd he sed … must be from
some farn country.”

DID – adjective. Not alive.
Usage: “He’s did, JimBob.”

EAR – noun. A colorless, odorless gas (unless you are in
LA).
Usage: “He can’t breathe … give ’em some ear!”

BOB WAR – noun. A sharp, twisted cable.
Usage: “Boy, stay away from that bob war fence.”

JU-HERE – a question.
Usage: “Juhere that former Dallas Cowboys’ coach Jimmy
Johnson recently toured the University of Alabama?”

HAZE – a contraction.
Usage: “Is Bubba smart?” “Nah … haze ignert.”

SEED – verb, past tense.

VIEW – contraction: verb and pronoun.
Usage: “I ain’t never seed New York City … view?”

HEAVY DEW – phrase. A request for action.
Usage: “Kin I heavy dew me a favor?”

GUMMIT – Noun. An often-closed bureaucratic institution.
Usage: “Great … ANOTHER gummit shutdown!”

Joke of the Day

A nice, calm and respectable lady went into the pharmacy, walked up to the pharmacist, looked straight into his eyes, and said, “I would like to buy some cyanide.” The pharmacist asked, “Why in the world do you need cyanide?” The lady replied, “I need it to poison my husband.” The pharmacist’s eyes got big and he exclaimed, “Lord have mercy! I can’t give you cyanide to kill your husband. That’s against the law! I’ll lose my license! They’ll throw both of us in jail! All kinds of bad things will happen. Absolutely not! You CANNOT have any cyanide!” The lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her husband in bed with the pharmacist’s wife. The pharmacist looked at the picture and replied, “Well now, that’s different. You didn’t tell me you had a prescription.”

Joke of the Day

After being married for 40 years, a man took a careful look at his wife one day and said, “Forty years ago we had a cheap house, a junk car, slept on a sofa bed and watched a 10-inch black and white TV, but I got to sleep every night with a hot 23-year-old girl.”

He went on to explain, “Now … I have a $500,000.00 home, a $50,000.00 car, a nice big bed and a large screen TV, but I’m sleeping with a 63-year-old woman. It seems to me that you’re not holding up your side of things.”

His wife, being a very reasonable woman, told him to go out and find a hot 23-year-old girl and she would make sure that he would once again be living in a cheap house, driving a junk car, sleeping on a sofa bed and watching a 10-inch black and white TV.

Joke an Lae

A man walks into a bar and orders three beers.

The bartender brings him the three beers, and the man proceeds to alternately sip one, then the other, then the third, until they’re gone.

He then orders three more and the bartender says, “Sir, I know you like them cold, so you can start with one, and I’ll bring you a fresh one as soon as you’re low.”

The man says, “You don’t understand. I have two brothers, one in Australia and one in the Ireland. We made a vow to each other that every Saturday night, we’d still drink together. So right now, my brothers have three beers, too, and we’re drinking together.”

The bartender thinks it’s a wonderful tradition, and every week he sets up the guy’s three beers. Then one week, the man comes in and orders only two. He drinks them and then orders two more. The bartender says sadly, “Knowing your tradition, I’d just like to just say that I’m sorry you’ve lost one of your brothers.”

The man replies, “Oh, my brothers are fine — I just quit drinking.”

Joke van de Dag

Sherlock Holmes and Dr Watson went on a camping trip. After a good meal and a bottle of wine they laid down for the night, and went to sleep. Some hours later, Holmes awoke and nudged his faithful friend.

“Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see.”

Watson replied, “I see millions and millions of stars.”

“What does that tell you?”

Watson pondered for a minute.

“Astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo. Horologically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three. Theologically, I can see that God is all-powerful and that we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. What does it tell you?”

Holmes was silent for a minute, then spoke. “It tells me that someone has stolen our tent.”

To the Beach we Go!

Hey kids, let’s take a trip to the beach. Holy Crap!! This is a day at the beach in China. Hope we can find a parking spot within 20 miles. I’m looking, but I can’t find any facilities. You know, outhouses, bathrooms. Just imagine.

Joke du Jour

One day, while a blonde was out driving her car, she ran into a truck.

The truck’s driver made her pull over into a parking lot and get out of the car.

He took a piece of chalk and drew a circle on the pavement. He told her to stand in the middle and not leave the circle.

Furious, he went over to her car and slashed the tires.

The blonde started laughing.

This made the man angrier so he smashed her windshield.

This time the blonde laughed even harder.

Livid, the man broke all her windows and keyed her car.

The blonde is now laughing hysterically, so the truck driver asks her what’s so funny.

The blonde giggles and replies, “When you weren’t looking, I stepped out of the circle three times!”