A guy is sitting at a bar in a skyscraper restaurant high above the city. He’s slamming tequila left and right.
He was more surprised when, ten minutes later, the same guy, unscathed, comes walking back into the bar and sits back down next to him. The astonished guy asks “How did you do that? I just saw you jump out that window and we’re hundreds of feet above the GROUND!!!”. The jumper responds by slurring, “Well, I don’t get it either.”
“I slam a shot of tequila and when I jump out the window, the tequila makes me slow down right before I hit the ground. Watch.” He takes a shot, slams it down, goes to the window and jumps out.
The other guy runs to the window and watches as the guy falls until right before the ground, slows down and lands softly on his feet. A few minutes later, the guy walks back into the bar.
The first guy orders another shot of tequila and the bartender says to him, “You know, you’re really an jerk when you’re drunk, Superman.”
50,000 blondes meet in a football Stadium for a “Blondes Are Not Stupid” Convention.
The Convention leader says, “We are all here today to prove to the world that blondes are not stupid. Can I have a volunteer?”
A blonde gingerly works her way through the crowd and steps up to the stage.
The leader asks her, “What is 15 plus 15?” After 15 or 20 seconds she says, “Eighteen!”
Obviously everyone is a little disappointed. Then 50,000 blondes start cheering, “Give her another chance! Give her another chance!”
The leader says, “Well since we’ve gone to the trouble of getting 50,000 of you in one place and we have the world-wide press and global broadcast media here, gee, uh, I guess we can give her another chance.”
So he asks, “What is 5 plus 5?”
The leader is quite perplexed, looks down and just lets out a dejected sigh — everyone is disheartened, the blonde starts crying and the 50,000 girls begin to yell and wave their hands shouting, “GIVE HER ANOTHER CHANCE! GIVE HER ANOTHER CHANCE!”
The leader, unsure whether or not she is doing more harm than good, eventually says, “Ok! Ok! Just one more chance — What is 2 plus 2?”
The girl closes her eyes, and after a whole minute eventually says, “Four?” Pandemonium breaks out throughout the stadium as all 50,000 girls jump to their feet, wave their arms, stomp their feet and scream…
“GIVE HER ANOTHER CHANCE! GIVE HER ANOTHER CHANCE!”
Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
He who laughs last, thinks slowest.
Those who live by the sword may die by those with a gun.
Nothing is foolproof to a sufficiently talented fool.
The 50-50-90 rule: Anytime you have a 50-50 chance of getting something right, there’s a 90% probability you’ll get it wrong.
If you lined up all the cars in the world end to end, someone would be stupid enough to try to pass them, five or six at a time, on a hill, in the fog.
The things that come to those who wait will be the things left by those who got there first.
Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach a man to fish and he will sit in a boat all day drinking beer.
Flashlight: A case for holding dead batteries.
The shin bone is a device for finding furniture in a dark room.
A fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine for doing well.
When you go into court, you are putting yourself in the hands of 12 people who weren’t smart enough to get out of jury duty.
Sven and Ole worked together and both were laid off, so off they went to the unemployment office.
Asked his occupation, Ole said, “Panty stitcher; I sew the elastic onto cotton panties.” The clerk looked up panty stitcher. Finding it classified as unskilled labor, she gave him $300 a week in unemployment pay.
Sven was asked his occupation. “Diesel fitter,” he replied.
Since diesel fitter was a skilled job, the clerk gave Sven
$600 a week. When Ole found out, he was furious. He stormed back into the unemployment office to find out why his friend and coworker was collecting double his pay.
The clerk explained that panty stitchers were unskilled and diesel fitters were skilled labor.
“What skill?” yelled Ole. “I sew the elastic on, and Sven pulls on it and says, ‘Yep, diesel fitter.'”
Once upon a time Dracula decided he needed a sidekick. He devised a competition to find which is the finest bat to stand on his side.
So all the bats were honored to take part. The rules were simple. Whichever bat drinks the most blood, will be the winner?
So the first bat goes and comes back after 10 minutes. Her mouth was full of blood. Dracula says: “Congratulations, how did you do that?” The bat said: “Do you see that tower? Behind it there is a house. I went in and sucked the blood of all the family”. “Very good” said Dracula.
The second bat flies off and comes back about 5 minutes later, her entire face covered in blood. An astonished Dracula says, “How did you do that?” The bat replies ” Do you see that tower? Behind it there is a school. I went in and drank the blood of all the children”. “Impressive” said Dracula.
Now, the third bat goes and comes back after 3 minutes literally covered in blood from head to toe. Dracula is stunned. “How on earth did you do that????” he asked. And the bat replies. “Do you see this tower?” Once again, Dracula replies with a yes.
And the bat says, “Well, I didn’t”.
The Golden Toilet
A group of guys are on their way to a party, but couldn’t quite
remember the address of the house. ”I’m sure this is the one,” said the driver. ”Well, I have got to go to the bathroom SO BAD”, replied one of the others. ”I’ll go knock on the door, and check. If it’s the wrong house, at least maybe they’ll let me use their toilet!”
So he gets out and walks to the front door. He rings it once….No answer. He rings it again…..still no answer. So, he thinks, ”This is a big house, big party, maybe the party is outside, in the backyard.” He walks around the house to the back, there was no one out there either. As he aproached the back door, he was suprized to find it unlocked, and opened. There was obviously no one home, so he figured he’d just quietly run inside real quick, and use there bathroom. No one would know.
He goes inside, it’s dark & he can’t find the bathroom anywhere. He runs up the stairs and searched, and searched, till finally as he opened a door to a small room, he was amazed to find a GOLDEN TOILET. He had never seen anything like it, but remembering that he was in a stranger’s house, and that they could at anytime return home, he quickly did his business and walked out.
As he got in the car, he excitedly told his friends of the AMAZING GOLDEN TOILET. His friends laughed in disbelief at his crazy tale. They pulled out of the driveway, mocking him. They argued the whole way to the party.
A couple of hours later, on the way home from the party, they drive past the house with the GOLDEN TOILET. The guy insists on stopping so he could prove to his friends the these people really did have a GOLDEN TOILET.
So the friends agree to check it out. They all walk up to the front door and ring the bell. A woman answers the door. ”Excuse me maam, but could you please let me show my friends here your GOLDEN TOILET, they don’t believe me!”
The woman replies, ”So YOU’RE the guy!”,then yells to her husband in the house, ”HONEY!?!…HERES THE GUY THAT CRAPPED IN YOUR TUBA!”’
A woman meets a man in a bar. They talk, they connect, and end up leaving together.
They get back to his place and he shows her around his apartment. She notices that his bedroom is completely packed with sweet cuddly teddy bears.
There are dozens of cute small bears on a shelf just above the floor.
Medium-sized bears line a shelf a little higher and huge soft bears on the top shelf along the wall.
She turns to him… they kiss… and then they rip each other’s clothes off and make mad passionate love. After an intense night of passion with this sensitive guy, they are lying there together in the afterglow.
The woman rolls over and asks, smiling, “Well, how was it?”
The man says, “You can have any prize from the bottom shelf.”
A lady was walking down the street to work and she saw a parrot on a perch in front of a pet store. The parrot said to her, “Hey lady, you are really ugly.” Well, the lady was furious! She stormed past the store to her work. On the way home she saw the same parrot and it said to her, “Hey lady, you are really ugly.”
She was incredibly ticked now. The next day the same parrot again said to her, “Hey lady, you are really ugly.”
The lady was so angry that she went into the store and said that she would sue the store and kill the bird. The store manager replied, “That’s not good,” and promised he wouldn’t say it again.
That night the store manager fitted the bird with a shock collar that would electrocute & kill it when activated.
When the lady walked past the store that day after work the parrot called to her, “Hey lady”, glancing over to the manager with his finger on the button.
She paused and said, “Yes?”
The bird said, “Lookin Good!”