Joke of the Day

A couple had two little boys who were always getting into trouble. The parents knew that if any mischief occurred in their village, their sons were probably involved.

The boys’ mother heard that an elder in town had been successful in disciplining children. He told her that God is everywhere & sees everything they do. She asked if he would speak with her sons. The elder agreed, but asked to see them separately.

So, the next morning, the mother sent her youngest son in first.

The elder, a huge man with a booming voice, sat the boy down and asked him sternly, “Where is God?” The boy’s mouth dropped open, but he made no response.So the elder repeated the question in an even sterner tone, “Where is God!!?” Again the wide-eyed boy made no attempt to answer.

The elder raised his voice and bellowed, “WHERE IS GOD!?” The boy screamed and bolted from the room, ran directly home and dove into a closet, slamming the door behind him.

When his older brother found him hiding, he asked, “What happened?”

The younger brother, gasping for breath, replied, “We are in BIG trouble this time. God is missing, and they think WE did it!”

A Few Jokes


1)
The artist tried to concentrate on his work, but the attraction he felt for his model finally became irresistible. He threw down his palette, took her in his arms and kissed her.

She pushed him away. “Maybe your other models let you kiss them,” she said.

“I’ve never tried to kiss a model before,” he swore.

“Really?” she said, softening, “How many models have there been?”

“Four,” he replied, “A jug, two apples, and a vase.”

2)
A lawyer walks into a bar and sits down next to a drunk who is closely examining something held in his fingers. The lawyer watches the drunk for a while till he finally gets curious enough to ask what it is.

“Well,” said the drunk, “it looks like plastic and feels like rubber.”
“Let me have it,” said the lawyer.

Taking it, he began to roll it between his thumb and forefinger, examining it closely.
“Yes,” he finally said, “it does look like plastic and feel like rubber, but I don’t know what it is. Where did you get it?”

“From my nose,” the drunk replied.

3)
This Pun is so bad it must be shared!

Some friars needed to raise more money for books for the school, so they opened up a small florist shop to raise funds.

Since everyone liked to buy flowers from the men of God, a rival florist across town thought the competition was unfair.

He asked the good brothers to close down, but they would not. He went back and begged the friars to close. They ignored him.

So, the rival florist hired Hugh MacTaggart, the roughest and most vicious thug in town to “persuade” them to close.

Hugh beat up the friars and trashed their store, saying he’d be back if they didn’t close up shop.

Terrified, they did so, thereby proving that “Only Hugh can prevent florist friars.”

Couple of Jokes


Joke 1: During a bank robbery, one of the robbers mask slid down.
He looked at a man and asked, “Did you see my face?”
The man said, “Yes!” The robber shot him.
Then he asked a woman, “Did you see my face?”
She said, “No, but my boss over there did.”

Joke 2: Two friends, Jim and Paul are in a bank, when, suddenly, armed robbers burst in.

While several of the robbers take the money from the tellers, others line the customers up against a wall and proceed to take their wallets, watches, etc.

While this is going on, Jim slips something into Paul’s hand. Without looking down, Paul whispers, “What is this?”

Jim replies, “It’s that $50 I owe you.”

Joke of the Day

A man and an ostrich walk into a restaurant. The waitress asks, “What will it be?”
The man replied “a burger and a coke.” “And you?” “I’ll have the same,” the ostrich replies. They finish their meal and pay. “That will be $4.50,” The man reached into his pocket and pulled out the exact amount. They do this every day till Fri.
“The usual?” she asked. “No, today is Friday. I’ll have steak and a coke.”
“Me too.” says the ostrich. They finish and pay. “That will be $10.95”
The man reached in and pulls out the exact amount again just like all week.
The waitress was dumb-founded. “How is it that you always have the exact amount?”
“Well,” says the man. “I was cleaning my attic and I found a dusty lamp. I rubbed it and a genie appeared.” Wow!” said the waitress. “What did you wish for?”
“I asked that when I needed to pay for something, the exact amount would appear in my pocket.” “Amazing! Most people would ask for a million dollars. But what’s with the ostrich?” “Well,” said the man. “I also asked for a chick with long legs.”

Joke of the Day

Another Classic!

It has been raining hard in the Mississippi Valley, and the rising river begins to threaten all manner of private homes, including that of the local Reverend.

With water coming into the ground floor, a rowboat with police comes by, and the officer shouts, “Reverend, let us evacuate you! The water level is getting dangerous.”

The Reverend replies, “No thank you, I am a righteous man, who trusts in the Almighty, and I am confident he will deliver me.” Three hours go by, and the rains intensify, at which point the Reverend is forced up to the second floor of his house. A second police rowboat comes by, and the officer shouts, “Reverend, let us evacuate you! The water level is getting dangerous.”

The Reverend replies, “No thank you, I am a righteous man, who trusts in the Almighty, and I am confident he will deliver me.”

The rain does not stop, and the Reverend is forced up onto the roof of his house. A helicopter flies over, and the officer shouts down, “Reverend, grab the rope and we’ll pull you up! You’re in terrible danger!”

The Reverend replies, “No thank you, I am a righteous man, who trusts in the Almighty, and I am confident he will deliver me.”
The deluge continues, and the Reverend is swept off the roof, carried away in the current and drowns. He goes up to heaven, and at the Pearly Gates he is admitted, and comes before the Divine Presence.

The Reverend asks, “Dear Lord, I don’t understand. I’ve been a righteous observant person my whole life, and depended on you to save me in my hour of need. Where were you?”

And the Lord answered, “I sent two boats and a helicopter, what more did you want?”

Joke of the Day

A fire starts inside a chemical plant and the alarm goes out to fire departments miles around. After crews have been fighting the fire for over an hour, the chemical company president approached the fire chief and said, “All of our secret formulas are in the vault in the center of the plant. They must be saved! I will give $100,000 to the engine company that brings them out safely!”

The crews try, but no one can get through. Then another fire truck, filled with a volunteer fire company of men over 65, comes roaring down the road and drives straight into the middle of the inferno. The other men watch unbelieving as the old timers hop off of their ancient rig and heroically extinguish the fire, saving the secret formulas.

The company president walks over to reward the volunteers. “What do you guys plan to do with the money?” the president asks the group.

The firetruck driver looks him right in the eye and answers, “Well, the first thing we’re going to do is fix the f**king brakes on that truck.”

Joke of the Day

Two young businessmen in Florida were sitting down for a break in their soon-to-be new store in the shopping mall. As yet, the store wasn’t ready, with only a few shelves and display racks set up.

One said to the other, “I’ll bet that any minute now some senior is going to come by, put his face to the window, and ask what we’re selling.”

Sure enough, just a moment later, a curious elderly gentleman walked up to the window, looked around intensely and rapped on the glass.
In a loud voice he asked, “What are you selling here?”

One of the young men replied sarcastically, “We’re selling ass-holes.”

Without skipping a beat, the old timer said, “You must be doing well. Only two left.”

Joke of the Day

One day, while crossing the street, a US Senator is tragically hit by a truck and dies.

His soul arrives in heaven and is met by St. Peter at the gates. “Welcome to Heaven,” says St. Peter. “It seems there is a problem. We seldom see a Government official around these parts, so we’re not sure what to do with you.”

“No problem, just let me in”, says the man. Saint Peter says, “Well, I’d like to, but I have orders from higher up. What we’ll do is have you spend one day in hell and one in heaven. Then you can choose where to spend eternity.

“Really, I’ve made up my mind. I want to be in heaven”, says the Senator.

“I’m sorry, but we have our rules.” And with that, St.Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to hell. The doors open and he finds himself in the middle of a green golf course.

In the distance is a clubhouse and standing in front of it are all his friends and fellow politicians who had worked with him. Everyone seems very happy and dressed in elegant attire. They run to greet him, shake his hand,
and reminisce about the good times they had while getting rich at the expense of the people.

They play a friendly game of golf and then dine on lobster, caviar and champagne. Also present, is the devil. He is very nice guy who has a good time dancing and telling jokes.

They are having such a good time that before he realizes, it is time to go. Everyone gives him a hearty farewell and waves while the elevator ascends.

The elevator goes up, up, up and the door reopens to heaven where St. Peter is waiting for him. “Now it’s time to visit heaven.” So, 24 hours pass with the senator joining a group of contented souls moving from cloud to cloud, playing the harp and singing. They have a good time and, before he realizes it, the 24 hours have gone by and St. Peter returns.

“Well, you’ve spent a day in hell and another in heaven. Now choose your eternity.”

The senator reflects for a minute, then answers: “Well, I would never have said it before, I mean heaven has been delightful, but I think I would be better off in hell.” Saint Peter proclaims,
“Your Vote is Cast”.

With that, St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to hell. Now the doors of the elevator open and he’s in the middle of a barren land covered with waste and garbage.

He sees all his friends, dressed in rags, picking up the trash and putting it in bags as more trash falls from above.

The devil comes over to him and puts his arm around his shoulder.

“I don’t understand”, stammers the senator. “Yesterday I was here and there was a golf course and clubhouse, and we ate lobster and caviar, drank champagne, and danced and had a great time. Now there’s just a wasteland full of garbage and my friends look miserable. What happened?”

The devil looks at him, smiles and says, “Yesterday we were campaigning….Today you voted.”