Joke of the Day

Two young businessmen in Florida were sitting down for a break in their soon-to-be new store in the shopping mall. As yet, the store wasn’t ready, with only a few shelves and display racks set up.

One said to the other, “I’ll bet that any minute now some senior is going to come by, put his face to the window, and ask what we’re selling.”

Sure enough, just a moment later, a curious elderly gentleman walked up to the window, looked around intensely and rapped on the glass.
In a loud voice he asked, “What are you selling here?”

One of the young men replied sarcastically, “We’re selling ass-holes.”

Without skipping a beat, the old timer said, “You must be doing well. Only two left.”

Joke of the Day

One day, while crossing the street, a US Senator is tragically hit by a truck and dies.

His soul arrives in heaven and is met by St. Peter at the gates. “Welcome to Heaven,” says St. Peter. “It seems there is a problem. We seldom see a Government official around these parts, so we’re not sure what to do with you.”

“No problem, just let me in”, says the man. Saint Peter says, “Well, I’d like to, but I have orders from higher up. What we’ll do is have you spend one day in hell and one in heaven. Then you can choose where to spend eternity.

“Really, I’ve made up my mind. I want to be in heaven”, says the Senator.

“I’m sorry, but we have our rules.” And with that, St.Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to hell. The doors open and he finds himself in the middle of a green golf course.

In the distance is a clubhouse and standing in front of it are all his friends and fellow politicians who had worked with him. Everyone seems very happy and dressed in elegant attire. They run to greet him, shake his hand,
and reminisce about the good times they had while getting rich at the expense of the people.

They play a friendly game of golf and then dine on lobster, caviar and champagne. Also present, is the devil. He is very nice guy who has a good time dancing and telling jokes.

They are having such a good time that before he realizes, it is time to go. Everyone gives him a hearty farewell and waves while the elevator ascends.

The elevator goes up, up, up and the door reopens to heaven where St. Peter is waiting for him. “Now it’s time to visit heaven.” So, 24 hours pass with the senator joining a group of contented souls moving from cloud to cloud, playing the harp and singing. They have a good time and, before he realizes it, the 24 hours have gone by and St. Peter returns.

“Well, you’ve spent a day in hell and another in heaven. Now choose your eternity.”

The senator reflects for a minute, then answers: “Well, I would never have said it before, I mean heaven has been delightful, but I think I would be better off in hell.” Saint Peter proclaims,
“Your Vote is Cast”.

With that, St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to hell. Now the doors of the elevator open and he’s in the middle of a barren land covered with waste and garbage.

He sees all his friends, dressed in rags, picking up the trash and putting it in bags as more trash falls from above.

The devil comes over to him and puts his arm around his shoulder.

“I don’t understand”, stammers the senator. “Yesterday I was here and there was a golf course and clubhouse, and we ate lobster and caviar, drank champagne, and danced and had a great time. Now there’s just a wasteland full of garbage and my friends look miserable. What happened?”

The devil looks at him, smiles and says, “Yesterday we were campaigning….Today you voted.”

Joke of the Day


Bob had finally made it to the last round of the very popular game show, “The $5,000,000 Question”. The rules state that Bob is allowed to choose the category of the final question. He told the M.C. that he desired a question on American History.

The big night had arrived. Bob made his way on stage in front of the studio and a very large TV audience. He had become the talk of the week. Bob was the best guest this show had ever seen. The M.C. stepped up to the mic.

“Bob, you have chosen American History as your final question. You know that if you correctly answer this question, you will walk away $5,000,000 dollars richer. Are you ready?”

Bob nodded with a cocky confidence. The crowd went nuts. He hadn’t missed a question all week.

“Bob, your question on American History is a two-part question. As you know, you may answer either part first. As a rule, the second half of the question is always easier. Which part would you like to take a stab at first?”

Bob was now becoming noticeably nervous. He couldn’t believe it, but he was losing his focus. American History was his easiest subject, but still, decided to play it safe. “I’ll try the easier part first.”

The M.C. nodded approvingly. “Here we go Bob. I will ask you the second half first. If you answer correctly I will then ask you the first half.”

The audience silenced with gross anticipation . . .
“Bob, here is your question: And in what year did it happen??”

Joke of the Day

This one is so bad, it’s funny!

One night a man was walking home and heard a thumping noise behind him. Looking around, he saw a coffin following him, upright. He got nervous and began walking a little bit faster.

The coffin continued, “thumpety thump, thumpety thump”. He began running and the coffin kept up and began opening and closing, “thumpety thump, thumpety thump clap, “thumpety thump, thumpety thump clap”. Terrified, he ran to his front door, and went inside, slamming the door and locking it.

The coffin continued, “thumpety thump, thumpety thump – CRASH” it came right through the door, He ran up the stairs, and right behind him, “thumpety thump, thumpety thump clap, “thumpety thump, thumpety thump clap.”

He rushed into the bathroom and slammed the door, but the coffin broke through the door – “thumpety thump, thumpety thump crash”.

Terrified, the man grabbed the first thing he saw, a bottle of Robitussin syrup and threw it ……………the coffin stopped!

Joke du Jour

A guy is sitting at a bar in a skyscraper restaurant high above the city. He’s slamming tequila left and right.

He grabs one, drinks it, goes over to a window and jumps out. The guy who was sitting next to him couldn’t believe that the guy had just done that.

He was more surprised when, ten minutes later, the same guy, unscathed, comes walking back into the bar and sits back down next to him. The astonished guy asks “How did you do that? I just saw you jump out that window and we’re hundreds of feet above the GROUND!!!”. The jumper responds by slurring, “Well, I don’t get it either.”

“I slam a shot of tequila and when I jump out the window, the tequila makes me slow down right before I hit the ground. Watch.” He takes a shot, slams it down, goes to the window and jumps out.

The other guy runs to the window and watches as the guy falls until right before the ground, slows down and lands softly on his feet. A few minutes later, the guy walks back into the bar.

The other guy has to try it too, so he orders a shot of tequila. He drinks it, goes to the window and jumps. As he reaches the bottom, he doesn’t slow down at all….SPLAT!!!!!!

The first guy orders another shot of tequila and the bartender says to him, “You know, you’re really an jerk when you’re drunk, Superman.”

Joke of the Day

50,000 blondes meet in a football Stadium for a “Blondes Are Not Stupid” Convention.

The Convention leader says, “We are all here today to prove to the world that blondes are not stupid. Can I have a volunteer?”

A blonde gingerly works her way through the crowd and steps up to the stage.

The leader asks her, “What is 15 plus 15?” After 15 or 20 seconds she says, “Eighteen!”

Obviously everyone is a little disappointed. Then 50,000 blondes start cheering, “Give her another chance! Give her another chance!”

The leader says, “Well since we’ve gone to the trouble of getting 50,000 of you in one place and we have the world-wide press and global broadcast media here, gee, uh, I guess we can give her another chance.”

So he asks, “What is 5 plus 5?”

After nearly 30 seconds she eventually says, “Ninety?”

The leader is quite perplexed, looks down and just lets out a dejected sigh — everyone is disheartened, the blonde starts crying and the 50,000 girls begin to yell and wave their hands shouting, “GIVE HER ANOTHER CHANCE! GIVE HER ANOTHER CHANCE!”

The leader, unsure whether or not she is doing more harm than good, eventually says, “Ok! Ok! Just one more chance — What is 2 plus 2?”

The girl closes her eyes, and after a whole minute eventually says, “Four?” Pandemonium breaks out throughout the stadium as all 50,000 girls jump to their feet, wave their arms, stomp their feet and scream…

“GIVE HER ANOTHER CHANCE! GIVE HER ANOTHER CHANCE!”

Joke of the Day – Murphy’s Law

Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

He who laughs last, thinks slowest.

Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.

Those who live by the sword may die by those with a gun.

Nothing is foolproof to a sufficiently talented fool.

The 50-50-90 rule: Anytime you have a 50-50 chance of getting something right, there’s a 90% probability you’ll get it wrong.

If you lined up all the cars in the world end to end, someone would be stupid enough to try to pass them, five or six at a time, on a hill, in the fog.

The things that come to those who wait will be the things left by those who got there first.

Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach a man to fish and he will sit in a boat all day drinking beer.

Flashlight: A case for holding dead batteries.

The shin bone is a device for finding furniture in a dark room.

A fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine for doing well.

When you go into court, you are putting yourself in the hands of 12 people who weren’t smart enough to get out of jury duty.