Joke of the Day

Once there was a family of skunks who lived in a hollow tree. There were two baby skunks. Their names were In and Out.

Now whenever In went out, Out came in, and whenever Out went out, In came in.
 
If In happened to be in and wanted to go out, he would not go out until Out came in. And if Out happened to be in, and wanted to go out, he would not go out until In came in.
 
One day a big storm blew up, and the mother and father skunks were worried about their children. So they quickly looked around to see whether In was in and Out was out or if Out was in and In was out.
 
Out happened to be in right then. The mother skunk said to Out, “Out, go out and bring In in, please. I’m worried about him.”

Out said, “Sure thing, Mama.” So Out went out, and for the very first time Out and In were out at the same time. Just a minute or two later Out came back in, and In came in behind him.

For the first time in a long time In and Out were in at the same time.

The mother skunk was amazed. “Out, how did you find your brother so quickly?” she asked.

“Oh, Mama, it was easy,” Out said. “In stinked!”

 
Get it? In-stinct. Ok, that was bad.

Joke of the Day

Mr. Baldwin, the biology teacher called on Mary, “Can you tell me the part of the body that, under the right conditions, expands to six times it’s normal size, and state the conditions.”

Mary gasped and said in a huff, “Why, Mr. Baldwin! That is an inappropriate question and my parents are going to hear of it when I get home!” She sat down, red-faced.

“Susan, can you tell me the answer?” asked Mr. Baldwin

“The pupil of the eye, under dark conditions,” said Susan.

“Correct. Now Mary, I have three things to say to you. First, you have not studied your lesson. Second, you have a dirty mind.

And third, boy are you going to be disappointed someday!”

Joke du Jour

A cannibal son and his father are out looking for food.

They are watching people walk down the street.

The son suggested a particularly plump woman and the father rejected saying that she’s too fatty.

Later on the son asked about a very skinny woman. Again the father refused saying that she’s to skinny.

After a while the son pointed out a very attractive woman.” sure son” the father replied, drooling. “We’ll take her home and eat you mother!”

Gotta Get Me one of Deez

Ever wonder what it would be like to drive a F1 racecar? I know I have.

Well, wonder no more. For the miserly some of about $500,000, you too, can be the proud owner of the Caparo T1, street-legal supercar.

The Stratton Motor Company in Norwich, England is now offering this 2 seater that will do 0-60MPH in a blistering 2.5 seconds, which almost matches the 2.4 seconds of the 2011 Bugatti Veyron 16.4 Super Sport. The Bugatti will set you back a tad more at $2,400,000.

So the T1 is a veritable bargain.

Of course it has no doors, windows or even a windshield, but is equipped with a 6 point racing harness as the seatbelt. What do want for a half a million?

It is fitted with a six-speed ‘flappy paddle’ gearbox and brakes which will stop it from 100MPH in three seconds.

The T1’s maximum speed is more than 200MPH and does 0-100 in 5 seconds.

The T1’s power plant is a 575HP Aluminum V-8 engine. For those in the know, 575HP doesn’t sound that radical. After all, the Bugatti has 1200HP.

The key to the incredible performance of the Caparo is the power-to-weight ratio.  At 1210 pounds, it weighs 20 percent less than a Smart Car, which gives it twice the power-to-weight ratio of the Veyron.

 There have been more than a few humans who weigh more than this car, but I don’t have the stomach to show a picture of any of them.

The wildly popular British television show, “Top Gear”, took it out on their test track, where they have driven virtually every supercar in the world.

The official test driver, known as “The Stig”,  flew around the Top Gear track in just 1 minute 10 seconds – six seconds quicker than the Bugatti. On that short track, six seconds is a lifetime.

Due to the awesome performance of the T1,  the Stratton Motor Company insist on taking the new owner on an intensive two-day driving course on road and track so they can understand the car’s incredible capabilities.

Attribution: Daily Mail

Joke of the Day

A blonde and a redhead met in a bar after work for a drink, and were watching the 6 O’clock news. A man was shown threatening to jump from the Brooklyn Bridge.

The blonde bet the redhead $50 that he wouldn’t jump, and the redhead replied, “I’ll take that bet!”

Anyway, sure enough, he jumped, so the blonde gave the redhead the $50 she owed. The redhead said “I can’t take this, you’re my friend.”

The blonde said “No. A bet’s a bet”.

So the redhead said “Listen, I have to admit, I saw this on the 5 O’clock news, so I can’t take your money”.

The blonde replied, “Well, so did I, but I never thought he’d jump again!”

Joke of the Day

There were two old geezers living in the backwoods. Their names were Rufus and Clarence. They lived on opposite sides of the river, and they hated each other.

Every morning, just after sunrise, Rufus and Clarence would go down to their respective sides of the river and yell at each other. “RUFUS!!” Clarence would shout. “You better thank your lucky stars that I can’t swim . . . or I’d swim this river and whup your butt!!”

“CLARENCE!!” Rufus would holler back, “You better thank YOUR lucky stars that I can’t swim . . . or I’d swim this river and whup your skinny butt!!!”

This went on every morning. Every day. Twenty years.

One day the Army Corps of Engineers came and built a covered bridge. Still, every morning every day for another five years the shouting and feuding across the river continued. Finally, Rufus wife has had enough.

“Rufus!” she yells, one day. “I can’t take no more!! Every day for 25 years, you’ve been threatenin’ to whup Clarence. Well, there’s the bridge…have at it!”

Rufus thought for a moment. Chewed his bottom lip for another moment. “Woman!” he declared, snapping his suspenders into place. “I’m gonna whup Clarence’s butt!!!”

He walked out the door, down to the river, along the riverbank, came to the bridge, stepped up onto the bridge, walked about halfway, looked up….TURNED TAIL AND RAN SCREAMING BACK TO THE HOUSE, SLAMMED THE DOOR, BOLTED THE WINDOWS, GRABBED THE SHOTGUN AND DIVED, PANTING AND GASPING, UNDER THE BED!!!!!

“Rufus!” cried the misses. “I thought you was gonna whup Clarence’s butt!!!”

“I was, woman, I was!!” he whispered.

“Rufus!” cried the misses. “What in tarnation is the matter?”

“Well,” muttered the terror-stricken Rufus, “I went to the bridge…I stepped up on the bridge…walked halfway over the bridge…looked up…”

“And?” she asked, breathless with suspense.

“And,” continued Rufus, “I saw a sign that said, “Clearance, 13 feet, 6 inches” He ain’t never looked THAT big from the other side of the river!!!!!”

Joke of the Day

This elderly woman was arrested for shoplifting in a supermarket.

When she went before the judge he asked her, ‘What did you steal?’

She replied, ‘A can of peaches.’

The judge then asked her why she had stolen the can of peaches, and she replied that she was hungry.

The judge asked her how many peaches were in the can.

She replied that there were six.

The judge said, ‘Then I will give you six days in jail.’

Before the judge could actually adjourn the court, the woman’s husband stood up, and asked the judge if he could say something.

The judge said, ‘What is it?’

The husband said, ‘She also stole a can of peas.’

Joke of the Day, Kind of

The New, New Math

I purchased a burger at Burger King for $1.58. The counter girl took my $2 and I was digging for my change when I pulled 8 cents from my pocket and gave it to her. She stood there, holding the nickel and 3 pennies, while looking at the screen on her register. I sensed her discomfort and tried to tell her to just give me two quarters, but she hailed the manager for help. While he tried to explain the transaction to her, she stood there and cried…

Why do I tell you this? Because of the evolution in teaching math since the 1960s:

1. Teaching Math In 1960s

A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is 4/5 of the price. What is his profit ?

2. Teaching Math In 1970s

A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is 4/5 of the price, or $80. What is his profit?

3. Teaching Math In 1980s
A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is $80. Did he make a profit ? Yes or No

4. Teaching Math In 1990s

A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is $80 and his profit is $20. Your assignment: Underline the number 20.

5. Teaching Math In 2000s

A logger cuts down a beautiful forest because he is selfish and inconsiderate and cares nothing for the habitat of animals or the preservation of our woodlands. He does this so he can make a profit of $20. What do you think of this way of making a living? Topic for class participation after answering the question: How did the birds and squirrels feel as the logger cut down their homes? (There are no wrong answers, and if you feel like crying, it’s ok).

6. Teaching Math In 2012

Un hachero vende una carretada de maderapara $100. El costo de la producciones es $80. Cuanto dinero ha hecho?

ANSWER: His profit was $375,000 because his logging business is just a front for his meth lab.

Attribution: Karen