Joke of the Day

Three golfing buddies died in an auto accident and went to heaven. Upon arrival, they noticed the most beautiful golf course they had ever seen. St. Peter told them they were welcome to play the course, but he cautioned them with one rule: “Don’t step on the ducks.”

The men had blank expressions on their faces, and finally one of them said, “The ducks?” “Yes,” St. Peter said. “There are millions of ducks walking around the golf course, and when one of them is stepped on, he squawks, and then the one next to him squawks, and soon they’re all raising hell and it really breaks the tranquility. If you step on the ducks, you’ll be punished.”

The men start playing the course, and within 15 minutes, one of the guys stepped on a duck. The duck squawked, and soon there was a deafening roar of ducks quacking. St. Peter appeared with an extremely homely woman and asked, “Who stepped on a duck?” “I did,” admitted one of the men. St. Peter immediately pulled out a pair of handcuffs and cuffed the man to the homely woman. “I told you not to step on the ducks,” he said. “Now you’ll be handcuffed together for eternity.”

The two other men were very cautious not to step on any ducks, but a couple of weeks later, one of them accidentally did. The quacks were as deafening as before, and within minutes, St. Peter walked up with a woman who was even uglier than the other one. He determined who stepped on the duck by seeing the fear in the man’s face, and he cuffed him to the woman. “I told you not to step on the ducks,” St. Peter said. “Now you’ll be handcuffed together for eternity.”

The third man was extremely careful. Some days he wouldn’t even move for fear of nudging a duck. After three months of this, he still hadn’t stepped on a duck. St. Peter walked up to the man and had with him the most beautiful woman the man had ever seen. St. Peter smiled and without a word, handcuffed him to the beautiful woman and walked off.

The man, knowing that he would be handcuffed to this woman for eternity, let out a sigh and said, “What have I done to deserve this?” The woman replied: “I don’t know about you, but I stepped on a duck.”

Witz des Tages

A woman and a man are involved in a car accident. It’s a bad one. Both their cars are totally demolished but amazingly neither of them is hurt.

After they crawl out of their cars, the woman says, “So you’re a
man; that’s interesting. I’m a woman. Wow, just look at our cars!
They’re destroyed, but fortunately we are unhurt. This must be
a sign that we should meet and be friends and live together in peace for the rest of our days.”

Flattered, the man replied, “Oh yes, I agree with you completely! This must be a sign!”

The woman continued, “And look at this, here’s another miracle.
My car is completely demolished but this bottle of wine didn’t
break. Surely this must be a sign from above to have us to drink this wine and celebrate our good fortune.”

Then she hands the bottle to the man. The man nods his head in
agreement, opens it and drinks half the bottle and then hands it
back to the woman.

The woman takes the bottle, immediately puts the cork back in, and
hands it back to the man.

The man asks, “Aren’t you having any?”

The woman replies, “No. I think I’ll just wait for the police…”

Joke(s) of the Day

They’re short, so take two.

Doctor: “I have some bad news and some very bad news.”
Patient: “Well, might as well give me the bad news first.”
Doctor: “The lab called with your test results. They said you have 24 hours to live.”
Patient: “24 HOURS! That’s terrible!! WHAT could be WORSE? What’s the VERY bad news?”
Doctor: “I’ve been trying to reach you since yesterday.”

A policeman spots a woman driving and knitting at the same time. Driving up beside her, he shouts out the window… “Pull over!”

“No,” she shouts back, “a pair of socks!”

Joke of the Day

Think you may be having a Bad Day?

So this guy is sitting at a bar, just looking at his drink. He stays like that for half hour.

After a while, this big truck driver walks in & sits next to him. The trucker takes the guy’s drink and chugs it all down. The poor man starts crying. The truck driver says, “Come on man, I was just joking. Here, I’ll buy you another drink. I just can’t stand to see a man cry.”

“No, it’s not that”, the guy says. “This is the worst day of my life. First, my alarm doesn’t go off and I’m late getting to my office. My boss was outraged & he fired me. When I left the building to go to my car, I found it was stolen. The police said they could do nothing. I hailed a cab to go home, and then remembered I left my wallet and credit cards there. The cab driver just drove away.”

“I finally get home, and when I walk in, I find my wife in bed with the gardener. I leave home, and come to this bar. And just when I was about to put an end to my life, you show up and drink my poison.”

Joke of the Day

0 to 200

Bob was in trouble. He forgot his wedding anniversary. His wife was
really angry.

She told him “Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the
driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in 6 seconds AND IT BETTER BE THERE !!”

The next morning he got up early and left for work. When his wife woke
up, she looked out the window and sure enough there was a box
gift-wrapped in the middle of the driveway.

Confused, the wife put on her robe and ran out to the driveway, brought
the box back in the house.

She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale.

Bob has been missing since Friday.

Joke du Jour

A local United Way office realized that the organization had never received a donation from the town’s most successful lawyer. The person in charge of contributions called him to persuade him to contribute.

“Our research shows that out of a yearly income of at least $500,000, you give not a penny to charity. Wouldn’t you like to give back to the community in some way?”

The lawyer mulled this over for a moment and replied, “First, did your research also show that my mother is dying after a long illness, and has medical bills that are several times her annual income?”

Embarrassed, the United Way rep mumbled, “Um … no.”

The lawyer interrupts, “or that my brother, a disabled veteran, is blind and confined to a wheelchair?”

The stricken United Way rep began to stammer out an apology, but was interrupted again.

“or that my sister’s husband died in a traffic accident,” the lawyer’s voice rising in indignation, “leaving her penniless with three children?!”

The humiliated United Way rep, completely beaten, said simply, “I had no idea…”

The lawyer cut him off once again saying, “So if I don’t give any money to them, why should I give any to you?”

Joke “Thar She Blows!” o’ th’ Day

A magician worked on a cruise ship. The audience was different each week, so the magician did the same tricks over and over again.
There was just one problem. The captain’s parrot saw the shows each week and began to learn how the magician did every trick. Once the parrot understood, he started shouting in the middle of the show “Look, it’s not the same hat!” or, “Look, he’s hiding the flowers under the table,” or “Hey, why are all the cards the ace of spades?”
The magician was furious, but couldn’t do anything. It was, after all, the captain’s parrot. Then, during a horrific storm, the ship sank. The magician found himself on a piece of wood in the middle of the ocean with, as fate would have it, the parrot.
They stared at each other with hatred, but did not utter a word. This went on for a day and then another and then another.
Finally on the fourth day, the parrot could not hold back and said,
“OK, I give up. How’d you do it?
Where’s the damn ship?”

Joke of the Day

The M.U.N.S.A. test.

Have you an unusual Intelligence? Do you find you lose interest at supposedly “Interesting movies”? It could be that you’re one of the 5% of the population that has the mental capacity of a steaming turd! If so, you may want to join MUNSA – Mentally Unemployed and Noticeably Stupid Association.

Try the questionnaire below. The results could surprise you! If you can’t even read the question, you’re halfway there already – just get someone to fill it out for you.

1. Which of the following WAS one of the famous Marx Brothers?
a. STRETCH
b. SKID
c. HARPO
d. TIRE

2. The number missing from the series (1,2,4,..,16) is:
a. YELLOW
b. GERANIUM
c. 8
d. TIRE

3. The letter missing from the series (a,b,c,..,e) is:
a. Harpo
b. b
c. d
d. TIRE

4. Two trains leave the same station, but moving in opposite directions. The first train is traveling at 50km/hr EAST, while the second one is traveling 50km/hr WEST. Which train is traveling the fastest?
a. The one going EAST
b. The one going WEST
c. Neither
d. Tire
e. Why aren’t there (e.)’s in all the other questions

5. What comes next in the series (RED, GREEN)
a. A car
b. Orange
c. Insufficient Data
d. Tire

6. Mona Lisa was:
a. A dissatisfied Woman
b. A Song by Billy Idol
c. A painting
d. Tire

7. The cold war was about:
a. Ice
b. Harpo
c. A few people at the top not liking each other
d. Tire

8. Complete the following Sequence: (Tire, Tire, Tire)
a. Tire
b. Tire
c. Tire
d. Pardon?

Ok, time to total up all your marks. Those of you who haven’t mastered addition yet, go straight on to the application; you’re the sort of person we’re looking for. If not, Give yourself 5 points for every D; -5 for every C, (+10 if you can’t add negative numbers yet), 0 for every B and 0 for every A you ticked. How did you do?

90 to 50: OK! You’re the sort of person we’re looking for. Add 10 points to your score if you haven’t got the hang of using anything but crayons yet.

50 to -20: Who’s been doing late night studying then? Sorry, you’re just a run of the mill pleb – push off.

-20 to -90: A computer geek I bet. Go join some place where they talk big numbers and floppy disks!

Is 85 between 90 and 50? All right! Go to the bottom of the class! You’re a leading light in our Association; get someone to .fill the form in for you and welcome aboard!

Joke (more like just fun stuff)

How To Speak Redneck

BARD – verb. Past tense of the infinitive “to borrow.”
Usage: “My brother bard my pickup truck.”

JAWJUH – noun. A highly flammable state just north of
Florida.
Usage: “My brother from Jawjah bard my pickup truck.”

MUNTS – noun. A calendar division.
Usage: “My brother from Jawjuh bard my pickup truck, and I
aint herd from him in munts.”

IGNERT – adjective. Not smart. See “Auburn Alumni.”
Usage: “Them N-C-TWO-A boys sure are ignert!”

RANCH – noun. A tool.
Usage: “I think I left my ranch in the back of that pickup
truck my brother from Jawjuh bard a few munts ago.”

ALL – noun. A petroleum-based lubricant.
Usage: “I sure hope my brother from Jawjuh puts all in my
pickup truck.”

FAR – noun. A conflagration.
Usage: “If my brother from Jawjuh doesn’t change the all in
my pickup truck, that things gonna catch far.”

BAHS – noun. A supervisor.
Usage: “If you don’t stop reading these Southern words and
git back to work, your bahs is gonna far you!”

TAR – noun. A rubber wheel.
Usage: “Gee, I hope that brother of mine from Jawjuh doesn’t
git a flat tar in my pickup truck.”

TIRE – noun. A tall monument.
Usage: “Lord willing and the creeks don’t rise, I sure do
hope to see that Eiffel Tire in Paris sometime.”

HOT – noun. A blood-pumping organ.

HOD – adverb. Not easy.
Usage: “A broken hot is hod to fix.”

RETARD – Verb. To stop working.
Usage: “My granpaw retard at age 65.”

TARRED – adverb. Exhausted.
Usage: “I just flew in from Hot-lanta, and boy my arms are
tarred.”

RATS – noun. Entitled power or privilege.
Usage: “We Southerners are willing to fight for out rats.”

LOT – adjective. Luminescent.
Usage: “I dream of Jeanie in the lot-brown hair.”

FARN – adjective. Not local.
Usage: “I cudnt unnerstand a wurd he sed … must be from
some farn country.”

DID – adjective. Not alive.
Usage: “He’s did, JimBob.”

EAR – noun. A colorless, odorless gas (unless you are in
LA).
Usage: “He can’t breathe … give ’em some ear!”

BOB WAR – noun. A sharp, twisted cable.
Usage: “Boy, stay away from that bob war fence.”

JU-HERE – a question.
Usage: “Juhere that former Dallas Cowboys’ coach Jimmy
Johnson recently toured the University of Alabama?”

HAZE – a contraction.
Usage: “Is Bubba smart?” “Nah … haze ignert.”

SEED – verb, past tense.

VIEW – contraction: verb and pronoun.
Usage: “I ain’t never seed New York City … view?”

HEAVY DEW – phrase. A request for action.
Usage: “Kin I heavy dew me a favor?”

GUMMIT – Noun. An often-closed bureaucratic institution.
Usage: “Great … ANOTHER gummit shutdown!”