Joke of the Day (2)

Church Billboards. We’ve all seen them. They mean well, but are sometimes filled with errors-a-plenty. Here are some great examples.

Second Installment

 Next Thursday there will be tryouts for the choir. They need all the
 help they can get.

 A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall.
Music will follow..

 At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be ‘What Is
 Hell?’ Come early and listen to our choir practice.

Eight new choir robes are currently needed due to the addition of
 several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones.

 Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles and other items to be
 recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children.

 Please place your donation in the envelope along with the deceased
 person you want remembered..

The church will host an evening of fine dining, super entertainment
 and gracious hostility.

Face Lift for the Oat Man

The Quaker Oats man featured on the boxes of the popular oatmeal shed five pounds and now sports a more youthful look in the brand’s new logo to highlight its healthy products.

PepsiCo Inc, owner of the cereal company, also decided to give the jolly-faced character a haircut and broader shoulders so consumers can associate the image with ‘energy and healthy choices.’

The makeover of the rosy-cheeked man, known as ‘Larry’, is part of a new direction to make the 134-year-old brand ‘fresh and innovative.’

The new physique removes the man’s double chin.

The rolls and plumpness that made his face and neck look rounder were toned down so he can appear slimmer.

‘We took about five pounds off him,’ said Michael Connors, vice president of design at Hornall Anderson, which was in charge of the change.

The man’s shoulders have greater emphasis so Larry can be seen as a stronger, more vibrant image

His white hair, which dangles down from his top hat, is also shortened as a way to keep him looking thin.

The traditional logo featured Larry on a white background with his fuller face centered within a gold band.

The new image has the man in front of a two-toned red background so it ‘adds a sense of movement,’ according to Connors.

The company did not want to dramatically change Larry – instead opting for subtle differences – to keep the image consistent with consumers who are used to the old look.

Quaker Oats became a registered trademark in 1877 as a breakfast cereal. Owners Henry Seymour and William Heston wanted the products to be associated with good quality and honest value.

The company used an image of a man in “Quaker garb” to be connected with its products.

In 1922, the chubby-cheeked Larry was first prominent on the Quaker Quick Oats box.

His face would remain on the box for decades, including on labels of the oatmeal in 1995 when the company submitted a petition to the U.S. Food and Drug Administration to establish the first health claim for a specific food.

The oatmeal became the first to say on its label that the products help improve heart health.

Attribution: Mailonline

Joke of the Day (1)

Church Billboards. We’ve all seen them. They mean well, but are sometimes filled with errors-a-plenty. Here are some great examples.

 First installment 

The Fasting & Prayer Conference includes meals.

The sermon this morning: ‘Jesus Walks on the Water.’ The sermon
 tonight: ‘Searching for Jesus.’

 Ladies, don’t forget the rummage sale. It’s a chance to get rid of
 those things not worth keeping around the house. Bring your husbands.

 Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our community. Smile at
 someone who is hard to love. Say ‘Hell’ to someone who doesn’t care
 much about you.

Don’t let worry kill you off – let the Church help.

 Miss Charlene Mason sang ‘I will not pass this way again,’ giving
obvious pleasure to the congregation.

For those of you who have children and don’t know it, we have a
nursery downstairs.

Joke of the Day

A cocky State Highway inspector stopped at a farm and talked with an old farmer. He told the farmer, “I need to inspect your farm for a possible new road.”

The old farmer said, “OK, but don’t go in that field.” The arrogant Highway employee said, “I have the authority of the State Government to go where I want. See this card? I am allowed to go wherever I wish.”

So the old farmer went about his farm chores.

Later, he heard loud screams and saw the State Highway employee running for the fence and close behind was the farmer’s prize bull. The bull was madder than a nest full of hornets and the was gaining on the employee at every step!!

The Inspector, running at break-neck speed, shouted to the farmer, “Help, what do I do?”.
The old farmer shouted back, “Show him your card!!”

Joke of the Day

A Blonde’s Year in Review

January – Took new scarf back to store because it was too tight.

February – Fired from pharmacy job for failing to print labels……Helllloooo!!!…..bottles won’t fit in printer!

March – Got really excited…..finished jigsaw puzzle in 6 months…..box said “2-4 years!”

April – Trapped on escalator for hours ? power went out!!!

May – Tried to make Kool-Aid…..wrong instructions….8 cups of water won’t fit into those little packets!!!

June – Tried to go water skiing…..couldn’t find a lake with a slope.

July – Lost breast stroke swimming competition…..learned later, the other swimmers cheated, they used their arms!!!

August – Got locked out of my car in rain storm….car swamped….convertible top left open.

September – The capital of California is “C”….isn’t it?

October – Hate M & M’s…..they are so hard to peel.

November – Baked turkey for 4 1/2 days. Instructions said 1 hour per pound – I weigh 108!!

December – Couldn’t call 911…. “duh”….there’s no “eleven” button on the stupid phone!

Talk About being Swept Away

I have to stop saving this stuff. Anyway, here ya go.

A Japanese boat swept away a year ago by deadly tsunami spotted 4,703 miles away floating near Canada

A large fishing vessel swept away by the tsunami that devastated Japan last year has been spotted bobbing in the seas near British Columbia in western Canada.

The trawler is part of the 5 million tons of debris that were swept into the ocean in March 2011 when a magnitude-9.0 earthquake and tsunami struck Japan.

The 23ft wall of water struck the east coast of the island nation following a 9.0 earthquake, sweeping everything from cars to houses into the ocean leaving a wake of devastation.

More than a year later a Canadian military air patrol spotted the vessel – 4,703 miles away from where it was originally moored – floating towards the shore.

It has been determined that the boat has been adrift without anybody at the helm since March 11 last year.

The 50-foot-long (15-meter-long) vessel was recently about 160 miles (260 kilometers) west of Haida Gwaii, islands off the north-coast of British Columbia, slowly drifting toward shore.

A maritime warning has been issued because the vessel could pose a navigational hazard.

The Japan Coast Guard identified the owner of the fishing trawler after being contacted by Canadian officials, who were able to provide the identification number on the hull of the ship.

The vessel, which was used for squid fishing, was moored at Hachinohe in the Aomori prefecture when the tsunami hit, said Toshiro Yoshinaga, a Coast Guard official.

Canadian agencies are monitoring the ship for possible marine pollution, though there are no reports of leaks from the vessel, the defense department said.

The earthquake, which struck about 230 miles northeast of Tokyo, was the largest in the country’s history.

Thousands of people were killed when the earthquake triggered the tsunami and other giant waves that devastated cities and rural areas.

According to the official toll, the disasters left 15,839 dead, 5,950 injured, and 3,642 missing

Attribution: Daily Mail

Joke du Jour

A couple is in bed sleeping when there’s a rat-a-tat-tat on the door.

The husband rolls over and looks at the clock, and it’s half past 3 in the morning.” I’m not getting out of bed at this time,” he thinks, and rolls over. Then, a louder knock follows. So he drags himself out of bed, goes downstairs, opens the door, and there’s a man standing there. It didn’t take the homeowner long to realize the man was drunk.

“Hi there,” slurs the stranger, “Can you give me a push?” “No, get lost. It’s half past three and I was in bed,” says the man as he slams the door. He goes back up to bed and tell his wife what happened and she says, “That wasn’t very nice of you. Remember that night we broke down in the pouring rain on the way to pick the kids up from the baby-sitter and you had to knock on that man’s house to get us started again? What would have happened if he’d told us to get lost?”

“But the guy was drunk,” says the husband.

“It doesn’t matter,” says the wife.” He needs our help and it would be the Christian thing to help him.” So the husband gets out of bed again, gets dressed, and goes downstairs.

He opens the door, and not being able to see the stranger anywhere,

He shouts, “Hey, do you still want a push?”

And he hears a voice cry out, “Yeah, please.”

So, still being unable to see the stranger he shouts, “Where are you?”

The drunk replies, “Over here, on the swing.”

Joke of the Day

A 17th Century captain was sailing along with his crew when a pirate ship came over the horizon.

The captain says, “Cabin boy, get me my red shirt.” So, he gets his red shirt and they victoriously battle the pirates.

 Several days later, they spot another pirate ship off the port bow. “Cabin boy,” says the captain “get me my red shirt.” They again battle the pirates and are victorious.

Later when things had settled down, the cabin boy asks, “Captain, why do you always want your red shirt just prior to battle?”

The captain responds, “Well, in case I am inflicted with a wound, I don’t want the crew to see my injury and lose spirit.” “I see,” says the cabin boy.

A few days later, they sight 20 pirate ships in the distance the captain yells out, “Cabin boy, get me my brown pants.”

Go South Young Man…150 Feet

It may only have been a tiny error by surveyors 277 years ago, but it could have stirred up major problems.

Part of the small community of Lake Wylie, South Carolina could today find themselves reclassified as being in neighboring North Carolina.

Modern surveyors – using state of the art GPS – have redrawn the state border to within a few inches of where it had originally meant to be in 1735 – some 150ft further south of where it is today.

But the change could be a monumental upheaval for the hundred or so residents who would find themselves residents of North Carolina – where fuel prices are 30 cents more expensive and fireworks are illegal.

Victor Boulware, owner of a small convenience store, the Lake Wylie Minimarket, says a change would destroy his business, stopping the flow of traffic from the more expensive north who flock to his shop for the cheaper fuel.

He said: ‘If I end up across the line, it is going to shut this business down.’

For the owners of 93 properties who suddenly find themselves in another state, it is also a bureaucratic nightmare.

The state line determines so much in their lives – what schools they go to, what area code their phone number starts with and even who provides them gas and electricity.

Small utility cooperatives in South Carolina are banned from extending services across the state line. Most of the properties in question are near Charlotte, N.C.

“I’m having a hard time being funny about this when mysterious forces bigger than you are shoving you around,” said Frederick Berlinger, who suddenly has been told that he goes to bed at night in Spartanburg County, S.C. after 15 years in what he thought was Polk County, N.C.

The seeds of the current problem were sown when the King of England sent surveyors to draw a boundary between the two Carolinas.

His instructions in 1735 were explicit: Start 30 miles south of the mouth of the Cape Fear River and have surveyors head northwest until they reached 35 degrees latitude.

Then the border would head west across the country to the Pacific Ocean. But the surveyors didn’t follow the instructions exactly, and future instructions led to the state line’s twists and turns around Charlotte and in the mountains.

The surveyors used poles and measured chains, determining what direction to head from the sun and stars, doing math in their heads, and putting hatchet blows on trees to mark the boundary. Over time, those trees disappeared, but the state line still needed to show up on maps.

The survey, which is about to draw to an end, was designed to put almost all questions about where the line is drawn to rest.

North and South Carolina wanted to solve their problems with a little Southern cooperation, so they created the Joint Boundary Commission nearly two decades ago.

The commission meets in Rock Hill, S.C.

Members are expected to work on proposals that they hope will be passed in each state to solve problems that arise from any changes – including an amnesty for any back taxes owed to the other state and allow utilities to cross state lines to serve customers without disruption.

Once both Carolinas take action to make the transition easier for the 93 property owners, the commission will submit the new state line to the Legislature in South Carolina and the North Carolina Council of State for approval.

Not approving the border could open either state up to a number of lawsuits.

The survey work is not finished. The team is preparing to draw the rest of the state line all the way to the Atlantic Ocean. Fewer problems are expected because the area is more rural.

Attribution: Daily Mail