Joke of the Day

A lawyer runs a stop sign and gets pulled over by a Sheriffs Deputy.

He thinks that he is smarter than the Deputy because he is sure that he has a better education.

He decides to prove this to himself and have some fun at the deputies expense…

Deputy says, “License and registration, please.”

Lawyer says, “What for?”

Deputy says, “You didn’t come to a complete stop at the stop sign .”

Lawyer says, “I slowed down, and no one was coming.”

Deputy says, “You still didn’t come to a complete stop. License and registration, please.”

Lawyer says, “What’s the difference?”

Deputy says, “The difference is, you have to come to a complete stop, that’s the law. License and registration, please!”

Lawyer says, “If you can show me the legal difference between slow down and stop, I’ll give you my license and registration and you give me the ticket, if not you let me go and no ticket.”

Deputy says, “Exit your vehicle, sir.”

At this point, the deputy takes out his nightstick and starts beating the crap out of the lawyer and says: “Do you want me to stop or just slow down?”

Joke of the Day

A very shy guy goes into a bar and sees a beautiful woman sitting alone. After an hour of gathering up his courage he finally goes over to her and asks, tentatively, “Um, would you mind if I chatted with you for a while?”

She responds by yelling, at the top of her lungs, “No, I will not sleep with you tonight!” Everyone in the bar is now staring at them.

Naturally, the guy is hopelessly and completely embarrassed and he slinks back to his table.

After a few minutes, the woman walks over to him and apologizes.

She smiles at him and says, “I’m sorry if I embarrassed you. You see, I’m a graduate student in psychology and I’m studying how people respond to embarrassing situations.”

To which he responds, at the top of his lungs, “What do you mean $200?”

Joke of the Day

A doctor at an insane asylum decided to take his inmates to a baseball game. For weeks in advance, he coached his patients to respond to his commands. When the day of the game arrived, everything seemed to be going well.

As the national anthem started, the doctor yelled, “Up nuts!” And the inmates complied by standing up. After the anthem he yelled, “Down Nuts!” And they all sat. After a home run he yelled, “Cheer nuts!” And they all broke into applause and cheers.

Thinking things were going well, he decides to go get a beer and a hot dog, leaving his assistant in charge. When he returned there was a riot in progress. Finding his assistant, he asked what happened.

The assistant replied, “Well, everything was fine until some guy walked by and yelled, PEANUTS!'”

The Magic Green Hat

The other day a guy needed to go to the emergency room.

Not wanting to sit there for 4 hours, he put on his MAGIC GREEN HAT. When he went into the E.R., He noticed that 3/4 of the people got up and left.

He guessed they decided that they weren’t that sick after all.

Cut at least 3 hours off his waiting time.

Here’s the hat.

It also works at DMV. It saved him 5 hours.

At the Laundromat, three minutes after entering, he had his choice of any machine, most still running.

But… don’t try it at McDonald’s. The whole crew will get up and leave and you’ll never got your order!

Attribution: Greg, Bev

Life’s Truths for Adults

1. I think part of a best friend’s job should be to immediately clear your computer history if you die.

2. There is nothing worse than that moment during an argument when you realize you’re wrong.

3. I totally take back all those times I didn’t want to nap when I was younger.

4. There is great need for a sarcasm font.

5. Really, how ARE you supposed to fold a fitted sheet?

6. Was learning cursive really necessary?

7. Map Quest really needs to start their directions on #5.
I’m pretty sure I know how to get out of my neighborhood.

8. Obituaries would be a lot more interesting if they told you how the person died.

9. I can’t remember the last time I wasn’t at least kind of tired.

10. Bad decisions make good stories.

11. You never know when it will strike, but there comes a moment at work when you know that you just aren’t going to do anything productive for the rest of the day.

12. Can we all just agree to ignore whatever comes after Blue Ray? I don’t want to have to restart my collection …. again.

13. I’m always slightly terrified when I exit out of Word and it asks me if I want to save any changes to my ten-page technical report that I swear I did not make any changes to.

14. “Do not machine wash or tumble dry” means I will never wash this – ever.

15. I hate when I just miss a call by the last ring (Hello? Hello? Shoot!), but when I immediately call back, it rings nine times and goes to voice mail. What did you do after I didn’t answer? Drop the phone and run away?

16. I hate leaving my house confident and looking good and then not seeing anyone of importance the entire day. What a waste.

17. I keep some people’s phone numbers in my phone just so I know not to answer when they call.

18. I think the freezer deserves a light as well.

19. I disagree with Kay Jewelers. I would bet on any given Friday or Saturday night more kisses begin with Miller Lite than Kay.

20. I wish Google Maps had an “Avoid Ghetto” routing option.

21. Sometimes, I’ll watch a movie that I watched when I was younger and suddenly realize I had no idea what was going on when I first saw it.

22. I would rather try to carry ten over-loaded plastic bags in each hand than take two trips to bring my groceries in.

23. The only time I look forward to a red light is when I’m trying to finish a text.

24. I have a hard time deciphering the fine line between boredom and hunger.

25. How many times is it appropriate to say “What?” before you just nod and smile because you still didn’t hear or understand a word they said?

26. I love the sense of camaraderie when an entire line of cars team up to prevent a jerk from cutting in at the front.
Stay strong, brothers and sisters!

27. Shirts get dirty. Underwear gets dirty. Pants? Pants never get dirty, and you can wear them forever.

28. Is it just me, or do high school kids get dumber and dumber every year?

29. There’s no worse feeling than that millisecond you’re sure you are going to die after leaning your chair back a little too far.

30. Sometimes I’ll look down at my watch three consecutive times and still not know what time it is.

31. Even under ideal conditions people have trouble locating their car keys in a pocket, finding their cell phone, and Pinning the Tail on the Donkey – but I’ll bet everyone can find and push the snooze button from three feet away, in about 1.7 seconds, eyes closed, first time, every time!

Attribution: Karen

Joke of the Day

Before going to Europe on business, a man drives his Rolls-Royce to a downtown New York City bank and asks for an immediate loan of $5,000.

The loan officer, taken aback, requests collateral.

“Well then, here are the keys to my Rolls-Royce,” the man says.

The loan officer promptly has the car driven into the bank’s underground parking for safe keeping and gives the man the $5,000.

Two weeks later, the man walks through the bank’s doors and asks to settle up his loan and get his car back.

“That will be $5,000 in principal, and $15.40 in interest,” the loan officer says.

The man writes out a check and starts to walk away.

“Wait, sir,” the loan officer says. “You are a millionaire. Why in the world would you need to borrow $5,000?”

The man smiles, “Where else could I find a safer place to park my Rolls-Royce in Manhattan for two weeks and pay only $15.40?”

Joke of the Day

On the first day of college, the Dean addressed the students:

“The female dormitory is out-of-bounds for all male students, and the male dormitory to the female students.

Anybody caught breaking this rule will be fined $20 the first time.

The second offense you will be fined $60.

A third time will cost you a fine of $180. Are there any questions?”

A male student shouted, “How much for a season pass?”