Joke of the Day

A 72-year-old man goes for a physical. All of his  tests come back normal so the doctor says,  “Harry, everything looks great. How are you doing mentally and emotionally? Are you at peace with God?”
  
 Harry replies, “God and I are tight. He knows I have poor eyesight, so he’s fixed it when I get up in the middle of the night to go to the bathroom, poof!, the light goes on. When I’m done, poof!, the light goes off.”

“Wow, that’s incredible,” the doctor says.

A little later in the day, the doctor calls Harry’s wife. “Mrs. White,” he says, “Harry is doing fine but I had to call you because I’m in awe of his relationship with God. Is it true that he gets up during the night and poof! the light  goes on in the bathroom, and when he’s done,  poof! the light goes off?”

“OH GOOD GRIEF!” Mrs. white exclaims,  “He’s pissing in the fridge again!”

Attribution: Karen

Be Blown Away

Ok, this just has to be seen & heard to be believed!

This incredible machine was built as a collaborative effort between the Robert M. Trammell Music Conservatory and the
Sharon Wick School of Engineering at the University of Iowa. Amazingly, 97% of
the machine’s components came from John Deere Industries and Irrigation
Equipment of Bancroft, Iowa . Yes, farm equipment!

It took the team a
combined 13,029 hours (6.26 years) of set-up, alignment, calibration, and
tuning before filming this video but as you can see, it was WELL worth the
effort.

It is now on display in the Matthew Gerhard Alumni Hall at the
University and is already slated to be donated to the Smithsonian.

Attribution: Bev

Joke of the Day (kind of)

TO: Honorable Secretary of Agriculture

       Washington, D.C.

Dear Sir,

My friend, Bubba Peterson, over at Alexandria, LA, received a check for $1,000 from you guys in the government for not raising hogs. So, I want to go into the “not raising hogs” business next year.

What I want to know is, in your opinion, what is the best kind of farm not to raise hogs on, and what is the best breed of hogs not to raise?

 I want to be sure that I approach this endeavor in keeping with all governmental policies. I would prefer not to raise razorbacks, but if that is not a good breed not to raise, then I will just as gladly not raise Yorkshires or Durocs.

As I see it, the hardest part of this program will be in keeping an accurate inventory of how many hogs I haven’t raised.

My friend, Peterson, is very joyful about the future of the business. He has been raising hogs for twenty years or so, and the best he ever made on them was $422 in 1968, until this year when he got your check for $1000 for not raising hogs.

If I get $1000 for not raising 50 hogs, will I get $2000 for not raising 100 hogs? I plan to operate on a small scale at first, holding myself down to about 4000 hogs not raised, which will mean about $80,000 the first year. Then I can afford an airplane.

Now another thing, these hogs I will not raise will not eat 100,000 bushels of corn. I understand that you also pay farmers for not growing corn and wheat. Will I qualify for payments for not growing wheat and corn not to feed the 4000 hogs I am not going to raise?

Also, I am considering the “not milking cows” business, so send me any information you have on that too.

In view of these circumstances, you understand that I will be totally unemployed and plan to file for unemployment and food stamps. Be assured you will have my vote in the coming election.

Patriotically Yours,

Mr. Smith

P.S. Would you please notify me when you plan to distribute more free cheese.

Attribution: Karen

Joke of the Day

At a nursing home a group of seniors were sitting around talking about all their ailments. “My arms have gotten so weak I can hardly lift this cup of coffee,” said one.

“Yes, I know,” said another. “My cataracts are so bad I can’t even see my coffee.”

“I couldn’t even mark an ‘X’ at election time, my hands are so crippled,” volunteered a third.

“What? Speak up! What? I can’t hear you!” said a fourth.

“I can’t turn my head because of the arthritis in my neck,” said a fifth, to which several nodded weakly in agreement.

“My blood pressure pills make me so dizzy I can hardly walk!” exclaimed another.

“I forget where I am, and where I’m going,” said an elderly gent.

“I guess that’s the price we pay for getting old,” winced an old man as he slowly shook his head. The others nodded in agreement.

“Well, count your blessings,” said one woman cheerfully, “thankfully, we can all still drive.”

Joke of the Day

David received a parrot for his birthday.

The parrot was fully grown with a bad attitude and worse vocabulary. Every other word was an obscenity. Those that weren’t expletives, were to say the least, rude.

David tried hard to change the bird’s attitude and was constantly saying polite words, playing soft music, anything he could think of. Nothing worked. He yelled at the bird and the bird yelled back. He shocked the bird and the bird just got angrier and ruder.

Finally, in a moment of desperation, David put the bird in the freezer, just for a few moments. He heard the bird squawk and kick and scream-then suddenly, there was quiet.

David was frightened that he might have hurt the bird and quickly opened the freezer door.

The parrot calmly stepped out and said “I believe I may have offended you with my rude language and actions. I’ll endeavor at once to correct my behavior. I really am truly sorry and beg your forgiveness.”

David was astonished at the bird’s change in attitude and was about to ask what had made such a dramatic change when the parrot continued, “May I ask, what did the chicken do?”

Excuse me Dear, Can You Pass the Beaker

The world’s first test-tube burger will be ready to eat within months.

It will look, feel and, it is hoped, taste, like a regular quarter-pounder, its creator Mark Post told the world’s premier science conference.

He plans to unveil the hamburger in October – and hopes celebrity chef Heston Blumenthal will cook it, although he has yet to approach him.

The ‘ethical meat’ will would be kinder to the environment than the real thing, reduce animal suffering and help feed the world’s burgeoning population.

But it will be far from cheap with the prototype burger costing £220,000 ($350,000) to produce.

Professor Post says that ‘everyone’ will want to eat the burgers, which, despite their vast initial cost could eventually be priced to match that of real meat.

However, it remains to be seen whether a public that likes to think of its chops, steaks and sausages as having their roots in nature will take to meat made in test-tubes.

The Maastricht University professor has spent the last six years trying to turn stem cells – ‘master cells’ with the power to turn into all other cell types – into meat.

His first attempts involved mouse burgers. He then tried to grow pork in a dish, producing strips with the rubbery texture of squid or scallops, before settling on beef.

A four-step technique is used to turn stem cells from animal flesh into a burger.

 

First, the stem cells are stripped from the cow’s muscle.

Next, they are incubated in a nutrient broth until they multiply many times over, creating a sticky tissue with the consistency of an undercooked egg.

This ‘wasted muscle’ is then bulked up through the laboratory equivalent of exercise – it is anchored to Velcro and stretched.

Finally, 3,000 strips of the lab-grown meat are minced, and, along with 200 pieces of lab-grown animal fat, formed into a burger.

The process is still lengthy, as well as expensive, but optimised, it could take just six weeks from stem cell to supermarket shelf.

Yesterday, Professor Post told the American Association for the Advancement of Science’s annual conference in Vancouver that he has so far made a strip of beef measuring 3cm (1-3/16″) by 1.5cm (9/16″) by 0.5cm (3/16″).

This beef is ‘pinkish to yellow’ in colour – but he is confident of having a full-sized and properly coloured burger by the autumn.

The professor, who is funded by an anonymous but highly-successful benefactor, said: ‘It’s not quite ready, it’s going to be presented in October.

‘We are going to provide a proof of concept, showing that out of stem cells you can produce a product that looks like and feels like and hopefully tastes like meat.

‘Seeing and tasting is believing.’ Sausages and other processed meat products could swiftly follow, although pork chops and sirloin steaks will be much more problematic.

Other possibilities include synthetic versions of the meat from are animals such as pandas and tigers.

Meats could also be made extra-healthy by boosting their content of ‘good’ fats.

Far fewer animals would have to be kept to satisfy the appetite for meat.

The stem cell’s extraordinary ability to grow and multiply means that a cells taken from a single cow could produce a million times more burgers than if the animal was slaughtered for meat.

Researchers say they realise that many will find the idea of eating lab-grown meat unnatural – but point out that the livestock eaten at the moment is often kept in cramped conditions and dosed with chemicals or antibiotics.

However, the fact that the source material comes from animals who will likely have slaughtered means that not all vegetarians will be happy with the product.

The fledgling technology was highlighted in discussion paper about current and future demands on livestock production published recently by the Royal Society, Britain’s most prestigious scientific body.

The paper’s author, Professor Philip Thornton, of the International Livestock Research Institute in Edinburgh, wrote: ‘This is one example of something that could happen in the future that could have a very big impact on agriculture and livestock production.

‘There are some advantages to the idea. For example, you could reduce the number of live animals substantially and that would reduce greenhouse gas production.

‘There might be human health benefits because the health and safety issues associated with meat could be much better controlled.

‘But are people going to eat it? People’s tastes have changed a lot over the years and eventually this may be something that is widely taken up.’

Cautioning about the economic impact on farmers, the professor said: ‘If you are talking about large-scale reductions in numbers of livestock, there are large-scale implications and we’d have to look very carefully to see if the benefits would outweigh some of the problems that might arise.’

It will be at least ten years before the artificial meat is produced on an industrial scale and has satisfied the safety testing necessary for it be placed on supermarket shelves.

Attribution: Daily Mail

It’s a Miracle

FOUR OLD ITALIAN LADIES
These four older ladies who lived in Italy always sat outside together near the church and chatted about when they were younger.

One month ago they pooled their money together and bought a laptop.
Never having been, but having heard all about Florida, they just happened to click on St. Augustine, FL.

They read about the “Fountain of Youth” claimed by the Spaniards when they arrived there. They collected up all they had left and sent for four bottles of the water. As soon as it arrived, they drank as directed. The rest of this story will make you a believer, because . . .

Here they are today, Elixir in hand…

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

No . . . This is TRUE! Really! Would we lie to you?

We have a limited supply of this miracle panacea available at an incredibly low price of just
$1,499.95 a bottle.

Seriously . . . HURRY BEFORE THE INVENTORY RUNS OUT!!!!

Make checks payable to:
“Democratic National Committee To Re-Elect Obama”
(You can trust us; we would NEVER lie to you!)

Attribution: Bev

There’s a Fly in My….

A woman’s husband went to the men’s room in the Schiphol Airport located in Amsterdam.

He saw a fly and did his best to ‘wash’ it down the drain… but failed. He figured the fly had super glue foot pads!!!

Now he knows why it was there!

They’ve also been sighted in Moscow & Singapore bathrooms as well as JFK Airport in New York.

Attribution: Mina