Joke of the Day

Unemployed

Sven and Ole worked together and both were laid off, so off they went to the unemployment office.

Asked his occupation, Ole said, “Panty stitcher; I sew the elastic onto cotton panties.” The clerk looked up panty stitcher. Finding it classified as unskilled labor, she gave him $300 a week in unemployment pay.

Sven was asked his occupation. “Diesel fitter,” he replied.

Since diesel fitter was a skilled job, the clerk gave Sven

$600 a week. When Ole found out, he was furious. He stormed back into the unemployment office to find out why his friend and coworker was collecting double his pay.

The clerk explained that panty stitchers were unskilled and diesel fitters were skilled labor.

“What skill?” yelled Ole. “I sew the elastic on, and Sven pulls on it and says, ‘Yep, diesel fitter.'”

Attribution: Karen

Joke of the Day

Once upon a time Dracula decided he needed a sidekick. He devised a competition to find which is the finest bat to stand on his side.

So all the bats were honored to take part. The rules were simple. Whichever bat drinks the most blood, will be the winner?

So the first bat goes and comes back after 10 minutes. Her mouth was full of blood. Dracula says: “Congratulations, how did you do that?” The bat said: “Do you see that tower? Behind it there is a house. I went in and sucked the blood of all the family”. “Very good” said Dracula.

The second bat flies off and comes back about 5 minutes later, her entire face covered in blood. An astonished Dracula says, “How did you do that?” The bat replies ” Do you see that tower? Behind it there is a school. I went in and drank the blood of all the children”. “Impressive” said Dracula.

Now, the third bat goes and comes back after 3 minutes literally covered in blood from head to toe. Dracula is stunned. “How on earth did you do that????” he asked. And the bat replies. “Do you see this tower?” Once again, Dracula replies with a yes.

And the bat says, “Well, I didn’t”.

Joke of the Day

The Golden Toilet

A group of guys are on their way to a party, but couldn’t quite
remember the address of the house. ”I’m sure this is the one,” said the driver. ”Well, I have got to go to the bathroom SO BAD”, replied one of the others. ”I’ll go knock on the door, and check. If it’s the wrong house, at least maybe they’ll let me use their toilet!”

So he gets out and walks to the front door. He rings it once….No answer. He rings it again…..still no answer. So, he thinks, ”This is a big house, big party, maybe the party is outside, in the backyard.” He walks around the house to the back, there was no one out there either. As he aproached the back door, he was suprized to find it unlocked, and opened. There was obviously no one home, so he figured he’d just quietly run inside real quick, and use there bathroom. No one would know.

He goes inside, it’s dark & he can’t find the bathroom anywhere. He runs up the stairs and searched, and searched, till finally as he opened a door to a small room, he was amazed to find a GOLDEN TOILET. He had never seen anything like it, but remembering that he was in a stranger’s house, and that they could at anytime return home, he quickly did his business and walked out.

As he got in the car, he excitedly told his friends of the AMAZING GOLDEN TOILET. His friends laughed in disbelief at his crazy tale. They pulled out of the driveway, mocking him. They argued the whole way to the party.

A couple of hours later, on the way home from the party, they drive past the house with the GOLDEN TOILET. The guy insists on stopping so he could prove to his friends the these people really did have a GOLDEN TOILET.

So the friends agree to check it out. They all walk up to the front door and ring the bell. A woman answers the door. ”Excuse me maam, but could you please let me show my friends here your GOLDEN TOILET, they don’t believe me!”
The woman replies, ”So YOU’RE the guy!”,then yells to her husband in the house, ”HONEY!?!…HERES THE GUY THAT CRAPPED IN YOUR TUBA!”’

Joke of the Day

A woman meets a man in a bar. They talk, they connect, and end up leaving together.

They get back to his place and he shows her around his apartment. She notices that his bedroom is completely packed with sweet cuddly teddy bears.

There are dozens of cute small bears on a shelf just above the floor.

Medium-sized bears line a shelf a little higher and huge soft bears on the top shelf along the wall.

The woman is kind of surprised that this guy would have a collection of teddy bears, especially ones that are so expensive. She is quite impressed by his sensitive side, so decides not to comment.

She turns to him… they kiss… and then they rip each other’s clothes off and make mad passionate love. After an intense night of passion with this sensitive guy, they are lying there together in the afterglow.

The woman rolls over and asks, smiling, “Well, how was it?”

The man says, “You can have any prize from the bottom shelf.”

Joke of the Day


A lady was walking down the street to work and she saw a parrot on a perch in front of a pet store. The parrot said to her, “Hey lady, you are really ugly.” Well, the lady was furious! She stormed past the store to her work. On the way home she saw the same parrot and it said to her, “Hey lady, you are really ugly.”

She was incredibly ticked now. The next day the same parrot again said to her, “Hey lady, you are really ugly.”

The lady was so angry that she went into the store and said that she would sue the store and kill the bird. The store manager replied, “That’s not good,” and promised he wouldn’t say it again.

That night the store manager fitted the bird with a shock collar that would electrocute & kill it when activated.

When the lady walked past the store that day after work the parrot called to her, “Hey lady”, glancing over to the manager with his finger on the button.

She paused and said, “Yes?”

The bird said, “Lookin Good!”

Joke du Jour

One morning the Company Commander called his Sergeant in. “Sarge, I just got a telegram. Private Jones’ mother died yesterday. Better go tell him and send him in to see me.”
So the Sergeant calls for his morning formation and lines up all the troops.

“Listen up, men,” says the Sergeant. “Johnson, report to the mess hall for KP. Smith, report to Personnel to sign some papers. The rest of you men report to the Motor Pool for maintenance. Oh by the way, Jones, your mother died, report to the commander.”

Later that day the Commander called the Sergeant into his office. “Hey, Sarge, that was a pretty cold way to inform Jones his mother died. Couldn’t you be a bit more tactful, next time?”

“Yes, sir,” answered the Sarge. A few months later, the Commander called the Sergeant in again with, “Sarge, I just got a telegram. Private McGrath’s mother died. You’d better go tell him and send him in to see me. This time be more tactful.”

So the Sergeant calls for his morning formation. “Ok, men, fall in and listen up. Everybody with a mother, take two steps forward — NOT SO FAST, McGRATH!”

Joke of the Day

While sport fishing in the Florida Keys, a tourist capsized his boat. He could swim, but he had heard that barracuda will attack people so that kept him clinging to the overturned craft.

Spotting an old beachcomber standing on the shore, the tourist shouted, “Are there any barracuda around here?”

“Naw,” the man hollered back, “they ain’t been around here for some time!”

Feeling safe, the tourist started swimming leisurely toward the shore.

About halfway there the swimmer yelled, “How’d you get rid of them?”

“We didn’t do nothin,'” the old beachcomber said.

“Wow,” said the tourist.

The beachcomber added, “The sharks got ’em.”

Joke of the Day

Three vampires walk into a bar.

The bartender looks at him suspiciously, but decides to serve them anyway. “What’ll be, boys?”

The first vampire says “Blood. Give me blood.”

The second vampire says “I too wish for blood!”

The third vampire says “Give me plasma.”

The Bartender smiles and says “Got it. Two bloods, and a blood-light.”