Joke of the Day

A man went to the confessional. “Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned.”

“What is your sin, my son?” the priest asked.

“Well,” the man started, “I used some horrible language this week, and I feel absolutely terrible.”

“When did you use this awful language?” asked the priest.

“I was golfing and hit an incredible drive that looked like it was going to go over 250 yards, but it struck a power line that was hanging over the fairway and fell straight down to the ground after going only about a hundred yards.”

“Is that when you swore?”

“No, Father. After that, a squirrel ran out of the bushes and grabbed my ball in his mouth and began to run away.”

“Is that when you swore?”

“Well, no. You see, as the squirrel was running, an eagle came down out of the sky, grabbed the squirrel in his talons, and flew away!”

“Is that when you swore?” asked the amazed priest.

“No, not yet. As the eagle carried the squirrel away in his claws, it flew toward the green. And as it passed over a bit of forest near the green, the squirrel dropped my ball.”

“Did you swear then?”

“No, because as the ball felt it struck a tree, bounced through some bushes, careened off a big rock, and rolled through a sand trap onto the green and stopped within six inches of the hole.”

The priest signed, “You missed the putt, didn’t you?”

The Beatles? … Next Generation

Sir Paul McCartney’s son James said he would be willing to form a ‘next generation’ Beatles with the sons of the other band members.

The 34-year-old said he was “up for it” and John Lennon’s son, Sean, and George Harrison’s son, Dhani, had also shown support for the idea, although Ringo Starr’s son, drummer Zak, was less keen.

James told the BBC: “I don’t think it’s something that Zak wants to do.

“Maybe Jason [another of Starr’s sons and also a drummer] would want to do it.

“I’d be up for it. Sean seemed to be into it, Dhani seemed to be into it. I’d be happy to do it.”

James said that the idea had already been mooted “a little bit”.

Asked if a new Beatles could happen, he said: “Yeah, hopefully, naturally. I don’t know, you’d have to wait and see. The will of God, nature’s support, I guess. So yeah, maybe.”

The singer-songwriter, who’s played guitar on two his father’s albums Flaming Pie and Driving Rain, is following in his father’s footsteps by playing a gig at Liverpool’s famous Cavern Club on Tuesday.

The Cavern is where the Beatles played dozens of gigs before hitting the big time.

James said is had been “beautiful” working with his father, who co-produced two of his EPs, including sessions at the Abbey Road studios.

Asked about his relationship with Sir Paul, he said: “It’s amazing. Sometimes in the past, a few years ago, it can be difficult, it can be tense, like families can get.

But beyond that it’s beautiful. “He’s a genius, he’s beyond genius, and he’s a big inspiration. Very intellectual and obviously amazing at what he does, so it’s great fun.

He helps me get in tune with myself and be the best person that I can be.”

James admitted that having the name McCartney was “a help” in the music business and it was “an honour” to be connected to his father.

He said that as a schoolboy he’d dreamt of “being better than The Beatles”, adding: “I’m not sure if I can do that. If anything, I would love to be equal to The Beatles – but even that’s quite tough.”

All of the Beatles boys have taken after their fathers. McCartney has played guitar on two of his father’s albums, and is playing a show at the Cavern Club in Liverpool, where the Beatles cut their teeth.

Starkey has drummed for the likes of The Who and Oasis, Harrison is the frontman of thenewno2 and Lennon is a successful singer-songwriter in New York.

Attribution: Daily Telegraph, HuffPo

Joke of the Day

Why Men Shouldn’t Write Advice Columns

 

Dear John,

I hope you can help me. The other day, I set off for work, leaving my husband in the house watching TV. My car stalled, and then it broke down about a mile down the road, and I had to walk back to get my husband’s help. When I got home, I couldn’t believe my eyes. He was in our bedroom with the neighbor’s daughter!

I am 32, my husband is 34 and the neighbor’s daughter is 19. We have been married for 10 years. When I confronted him, he broke down and admitted they had been having an affair for the past six months. he won’t go to counseling and I’m affraid I am a wreck and need advice urgently. Can you please help?

Sincerely, Sheila

Dear Sheila,

A car stalling after being driven a short distance can be caused by a variety of faults with the engine. Start by checking that there is no debris in the fuel line. If none of these approaches solves the problem, it could be that the fuel pump itself is faulty, causing low delivery pressure to the injectors.

I hope this helps, John

Joke of the Day (3)

Church Billboards. We’ve all seen them. They mean well, but are sometimes filled with errors-a-plenty. Here are some great examples.

Third Installment 

Potluck supper Sunday at 5:00 PM – prayer and medication to follow.

 The ladies of the Church have cast off clothing of every kind. They
 may be seen in the basement on Friday afternoon.

 This evening at 7 PM there will be a hymn singing in the park across
 from the Church. Bring a blanket and come prepared to sin.

 Ladies Bible Study will be held Thursday morning at 10 AM . All ladies
 are invited to lunch in the Fellowship Hall after the B. S. Is done.

 The pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the Congregation would
 lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday.

 Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 PM . Please use
 the back door.

 The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare’s Hamlet in the
Church basement Friday at 7 PM . The congregation is invited to attend this tragedy.

 Weight Watchers will meet at 7 PM at the First Presbyterian Church.
 Please use large double door at the side entrance.

 The Associate Minister unveiled the church’s new campaign slogan last
Sunday: ‘I Upped My Pledge – Up Yours.

Octogenarian Olympian

Meet Johanna Quaas, the lycra-donning granny whose muscular physique puts Madonna to shame.

At 86 Quass, of Halle, Saxony, would be forgiven for wanting to put her feet up, which she does – over her head that is.

And her gymnastic prowess is not the only trophy in her cabinet, she was once a member of the East German handball champion team, too.

The octogenarian showed off her skills at the 2012 Cottbus World Cup in Germany, where she wowed the crowd with her moves, performing an impressive parallel bar and floor demonstration.

Ultra flexible Quaas was a late starter, beginning her gymnastics training at the age of 30. But that hasn’t held her back.

More than fifty years on she still steals the show from her younger rivals, as a multiple time senior champion of artistic gymnastics in Germany.

As she performs routines with the balance, strength and flexibility of a 20-year-old, this geriatric granny could easily be a quarter of her age – were it not for her tell-tale curly bob of snow-white hair and specs balanced on her nose.

Joke of the Day (2)

Church Billboards. We’ve all seen them. They mean well, but are sometimes filled with errors-a-plenty. Here are some great examples.

Second Installment

 Next Thursday there will be tryouts for the choir. They need all the
 help they can get.

 A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall.
Music will follow..

 At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be ‘What Is
 Hell?’ Come early and listen to our choir practice.

Eight new choir robes are currently needed due to the addition of
 several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones.

 Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles and other items to be
 recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children.

 Please place your donation in the envelope along with the deceased
 person you want remembered..

The church will host an evening of fine dining, super entertainment
 and gracious hostility.

Face Lift for the Oat Man

The Quaker Oats man featured on the boxes of the popular oatmeal shed five pounds and now sports a more youthful look in the brand’s new logo to highlight its healthy products.

PepsiCo Inc, owner of the cereal company, also decided to give the jolly-faced character a haircut and broader shoulders so consumers can associate the image with ‘energy and healthy choices.’

The makeover of the rosy-cheeked man, known as ‘Larry’, is part of a new direction to make the 134-year-old brand ‘fresh and innovative.’

The new physique removes the man’s double chin.

The rolls and plumpness that made his face and neck look rounder were toned down so he can appear slimmer.

‘We took about five pounds off him,’ said Michael Connors, vice president of design at Hornall Anderson, which was in charge of the change.

The man’s shoulders have greater emphasis so Larry can be seen as a stronger, more vibrant image

His white hair, which dangles down from his top hat, is also shortened as a way to keep him looking thin.

The traditional logo featured Larry on a white background with his fuller face centered within a gold band.

The new image has the man in front of a two-toned red background so it ‘adds a sense of movement,’ according to Connors.

The company did not want to dramatically change Larry – instead opting for subtle differences – to keep the image consistent with consumers who are used to the old look.

Quaker Oats became a registered trademark in 1877 as a breakfast cereal. Owners Henry Seymour and William Heston wanted the products to be associated with good quality and honest value.

The company used an image of a man in “Quaker garb” to be connected with its products.

In 1922, the chubby-cheeked Larry was first prominent on the Quaker Quick Oats box.

His face would remain on the box for decades, including on labels of the oatmeal in 1995 when the company submitted a petition to the U.S. Food and Drug Administration to establish the first health claim for a specific food.

The oatmeal became the first to say on its label that the products help improve heart health.

Attribution: Mailonline

Joke of the Day (1)

Church Billboards. We’ve all seen them. They mean well, but are sometimes filled with errors-a-plenty. Here are some great examples.

 First installment 

The Fasting & Prayer Conference includes meals.

The sermon this morning: ‘Jesus Walks on the Water.’ The sermon
 tonight: ‘Searching for Jesus.’

 Ladies, don’t forget the rummage sale. It’s a chance to get rid of
 those things not worth keeping around the house. Bring your husbands.

 Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our community. Smile at
 someone who is hard to love. Say ‘Hell’ to someone who doesn’t care
 much about you.

Don’t let worry kill you off – let the Church help.

 Miss Charlene Mason sang ‘I will not pass this way again,’ giving
obvious pleasure to the congregation.

For those of you who have children and don’t know it, we have a
nursery downstairs.

Joke of the Day

A cocky State Highway inspector stopped at a farm and talked with an old farmer. He told the farmer, “I need to inspect your farm for a possible new road.”

The old farmer said, “OK, but don’t go in that field.” The arrogant Highway employee said, “I have the authority of the State Government to go where I want. See this card? I am allowed to go wherever I wish.”

So the old farmer went about his farm chores.

Later, he heard loud screams and saw the State Highway employee running for the fence and close behind was the farmer’s prize bull. The bull was madder than a nest full of hornets and the was gaining on the employee at every step!!

The Inspector, running at break-neck speed, shouted to the farmer, “Help, what do I do?”.
The old farmer shouted back, “Show him your card!!”

Joke of the Day

A Blonde’s Year in Review

January – Took new scarf back to store because it was too tight.

February – Fired from pharmacy job for failing to print labels……Helllloooo!!!…..bottles won’t fit in printer!

March – Got really excited…..finished jigsaw puzzle in 6 months…..box said “2-4 years!”

April – Trapped on escalator for hours ? power went out!!!

May – Tried to make Kool-Aid…..wrong instructions….8 cups of water won’t fit into those little packets!!!

June – Tried to go water skiing…..couldn’t find a lake with a slope.

July – Lost breast stroke swimming competition…..learned later, the other swimmers cheated, they used their arms!!!

August – Got locked out of my car in rain storm….car swamped….convertible top left open.

September – The capital of California is “C”….isn’t it?

October – Hate M & M’s…..they are so hard to peel.

November – Baked turkey for 4 1/2 days. Instructions said 1 hour per pound – I weigh 108!!

December – Couldn’t call 911…. “duh”….there’s no “eleven” button on the stupid phone!