Joke of the Day

A sister and brother are talking to each other when the little boy gets up and walks over to his Grandpa and says, “Grandpa, please make a frog noise.”

The Grandpa says, “No.”
The little boy goes on, “Please .. please make a frog noise.”
The Grandpa says, “No, now go play.”

The little boy then says to his sister, “Go tell Grandpa to make a frog noise.”

So the little girl goes to her Grandpa and says, “Please make a frog noise.”

The Grandpa says, “I just told your brother ‘no’ and I’m telling you ‘no’.” The little girl says, “Please .. please Grandpa make a frog noise.” The Grandpa says, “Why do you want me to make a frog noise?”

The little girl replied, “Because mommy said when you croak we can go to Disney World!”

Joke of the Day

While shopping in a food store, two nuns happened to pass by the beer, wine, and liquor section. One asked the other if she would like a beer.

The second nun answered that, indeed, it would be very nice to have one, but that she would feel uncomfortable purchasing it.

The first nun replied that she would handle it without a problem.

She picked up a six-pack and took it to the cashier. The cashier was surprised, so the nun said,”This is for washing our hair”.

Without blinking an eye, the cashier reached under the counter and put a package of pretzel sticks in the bag with the beer.

“The curlers are on me.”

Joke of the Day

Two Irishmen, Patrick & Michael, were adrift in a lifeboat following a dramatic escape from a burning freighter.

While rummaging through the boat’s provisions, Patrick stumbled across an old lamp. Secretly hoping that a genie would appear, he rubbed the lamp vigorously. To the amazement of Patrick, a genie came forth.

This particular genie, however, stated that he could only deliver one wish, not the standard three.

Without giving much thought to the matter, Patrick blurted out, “Make the entire ocean into Guinness!”

The genie clapped his hands with a deafening crash, and immediately the entire sea turned into the finest brew ever sampled by mortals. Simultaneously, the genie vanished.

Only the gentle lapping of Guinness on the hull broke the stillness as the two men considered their circumstances.

Michael looked disgustedly at Patrick whose wish had been granted. After a long, tension-filled moment, he spoke:

“Nice going Patrick! Now we’re going to have to pee in the boat.”

Joke of the Day

A school teacher injured his back and had to wear a plaster cast around the upper part of his body.

It fit under his shirt

and was not at all noticeable.

On the first day of school, still with the cast under his shirt, he found himself assigned to the toughest students in school.
Walking confidently into the rowdy classroom, he opened the window as wide as possible and then busied himself with desk work.

When a strong breeze made his tie flap, he took the desk stapler and stapled the tie to his chest.

He had no trouble with discipline that term.

Joke of the Day

CAT DIARY, 7 entries

DAY 752 – My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects. They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while I am forced to eat dry cereal. The only thing that keeps me going is the hope of escape, and the mild satisfaction I get from ruining the occasional piece of furniture. Tomorrow I may eat another houseplant.

DAY 761 – Today my attempt to kill my captors by weaving around their feet while they were walking almost succeeded, must try this at the top of the stairs. In an attempt to disgust and repulse these vile oppressors, I once again induced myself to vomit on their favorite chair…must try this on their bed.
DAY 762 – Slept all day so that I could annoy my captors with sleep depriving, incessant pleas for food at ungodly hours of the night.
DAY 765 – Decapitated a mouse and brought them the headless body, in attempt to make them aware of what I am capable of, and to try to strike fear into their hearts. They only cooed and condescended about what a good little cat I was…Hmmm. Not working according to plan.
DAY 768 – I am finally aware of how sadistic they are. For no good reason I was chosen for the water torture. This time however it included a burning foamy chemical called “shampoo.” What sick minds could invent such a liquid.
DAY 771 – There was some sort of gathering of their accomplices. I was placed in solitary throughout the event. However, I could hear the noise and smell the foul odor of the glass tubes they call “beer.” More importantly I overheard that my confinement was due to MY power of “allergies.” Must learn what this is and how to use it to my advantage.
DAY 774 – I am convinced the other captives are flunkies and may be snitches. The dog is routinely released and seems more than happy to return.
He is obviously a half-wit. The Bird on the other hand has to be an informant. He has mastered their frightful tongue. (something akin to mole speak) and speaks with them regularly. I am certain he reports my every move. Due to his current placement in the metal room his safety is assured.
But I can wait; it is only a matter of time

Jokes of the Day

Bobby Nichols is attending his psychology class at a college in Texas.

His professor asks, “Just to establish some parameters, Mr. Nichols, what is the opposite of joy?”

“Sadness,” said Bobby.

“And the opposite of depression, Ms. Biggs?”

“Elation”, she promptly responds.

“And you, Buford, how about the opposite of woe?”

“I believe that would be giddy up…”


A man went to his lawyer and said “I would like to make a will but I don’t know exactly how to go about it.”

The lawyer says “No problem, leave it all to me”.

The man looks somewhat upset … “Well I knew you were going to take the biggest cut, but I’d like to leave a little to my children!

Joke of the Day

A man was in a large grocery store one day pushing his cart around when he collided with a young guy pushing his cart.

He said to the young guy, “Sorry about that. I’m looking for my wife and I guess I wasn’t paying attention to where I was going.”

The young guy says, “That’s OK. Coincidentally, I’m looking for my wife too. I can’t find her and I’m getting a little desperate.

The older guy said, “Well, maybe we can help each other. What does your wife look like?”

The young guy says, “Well, she is 24 years old, tall, with blonde hair, big blue eyes, long legs, big boobs, and she’s wearing tight white shorts, a halter top and no bra. What does your wife look like?”

The older man said, “Doesn’t matter — let’s look for yours.”

Jokes of the Day

Two lawyers were in a coffee shop talking. One of the lawyers names was Thomas Strange.

After a while their conversation became rather morbid, and they started to started to talk about what they were going to have on their tomb stones.

Thomas said the he wasn’t going to have his name put on his tomb stone, instead he was going have “Here lies the body of an honest lawyer!!!” “Why are you going to have that?”, asked his friend.

“Well”, said Thomas, “When people are walking through the cemetery, and they see…Here lies the body of an honest lawyer. They will say “Oh…That’s Strange”.

Three friends die in a car accident and they go to an orientation in heaven. They are all asked, “When you are in your casket and friends and family are mourning you, what would you like to hear them say about you?

The first guy says,”I would like to hear them say I was a great doctor and a great family man.”

The second guy says, “I would like to hear I was a wonderful husband and school teacher who made a huge difference in the lives of the children I taught.

The last guy replies, “I would like to hear them say … Look, He’s Moving!

Joke of the Day

A young lady, who was rather well-proportioned, spent most of her vacation sunbathing on the roof of her hotel.

She wore a bathing suit the first day, but on the second, she decided that no one could see her way up there, and she slipped out of it for an overall tan.

The woman had hardly settled in when she heard someone running up the stairs. She was lying on her stomach, so she just pulled a towel over her rear.

“Excuse me, miss,” said the flustered assistant manager of the hotel, out of breath from running up the stairs. “The Hilton doesn’t mind your sunbathing on the roof, but we would very much appreciate your wearing a bathing suit as you did yesterday.”

“What difference does it make?” the young lady asked rather calmly. “No one can see me up here, and besides, I’m covered with a towel.”

“Not exactly,” said the embarrassed man. “You’re lying on the dining room skylight.”

Joke of the Day

A business man got on an elevator in a building. When he entered the elevator, there was a blonde already inside and she greeted him by saying, “T-G-I-F” (letters only).

He smiled at her and replied, “S-H-I-T” (letters only).”

She looked at him, puzzled, and said, “T-G-I-F” again.

He acknowledged her remark again by answering, “S-H-I-T.”

The blonde was trying to be friendly, so she smiled her biggest smile and said as sweetly as possibly, “T-G-I-F” another time.

The man smiled back to her and once again replied with a quizzical expression, “S-H-I-T.”

The blonde finally decided to explain things, and this time she said, “T-G-I-F, Thank Goodness It’s Friday, get it?”

The man answered, “Sorry, Honey, It’s Thursday.”