Barzelletta del giorno

Tony had just finished reading a new book entitled, ‘You Can Be The Man of Your House.’

He stormed into the kitchen and to his wife announced, ‘From now on, you need to know that I am the man of this house and my word is Law. You will prepare me a gourmet meal tonight, and when I’m finished eating my meal, you will serve me a sumptuous dessert.

After dinner, you are going to go upstairs with me and we will have the kind of sex that I want. Afterwards, you are going to draw me a bath so I can relax. You will wash my back and towel me dry and bring me my robe.

Then, you will massage my feet and hands. Then tomorrow, guess who’s going to dress me and comb my hair?’

His Sicilian wife Gina replied, “The damn funeral director would be my first guess.”

Joke of the Day

There is a factory in Northern Minnesota which makes the Tickle Me Elmo dolls. The toy laughs when you tickle it under the arms. Well, Lena is hired at The Tickle Me Elmo factory and she reports for her first day promptly at 8:00 AM.

The next day at 8:45 AM there is a knock at the Personnel Manager’s door. The Foreman throws open the door and begins to rant about the new employee. He complains that she is incredibly slow and the whole line is backing up, putting the entire production line behind schedule.

The Personnel Manager decides he should see this for himself, so the 2 men march down to the factory floor. When they get there the line is so backed up that there are Tickle Me Elmo’s all over the factory floor and they’re really beginning to pile up. At the end of the line stands Lena surrounded by mountains of Tickle Me Elmo’s.

She has a roll of plush red fabric and a huge bag of small marbles. The 2 men watch in amazement as she cuts a little piece of fabric, wraps it around two marbles and begins to carefully sew the little package between Elmo’s legs.

The Personnel Manager bursts into laughter. After several minutes of hysterics he pulls himself together and approaches Lena. “I’m sorry,” he says to her, barely able to keep a straight face, “but I think you misunderstood the instructions I gave you yesterday…”

“Your job is to give Elmo two test tickles.”

Joke of the Day

A young man was walking through a supermarket to pick up a few things when he noticed an old lady following him around. Thinking nothing of it, he ignored her and continued on.

Finally he went to the checkout line, but she got in front of him. “Pardon me,” she said, “I’m sorry if my staring at you has made you feel uncomfortable. It’s just that you look just like my son, who just died recently.” “I’m very sorry,” replied the young man, “is there anything I can do for you?” “Yes,” she said, “As I’m leaving, can you say ‘Goodbye, Mother’? It would make me feel so much better.” “Sure,” answered the young man.

As the old woman was leaving, he called out, “Goodbye, Mother!” As he stepped up to the checkout counter, the cashier said, “That will be $127.50.” “How can that be?” he asked, “I only purchased a few things!”

“Your mother said that you would pay for her,” said the clerk.

Jôc y Dydd

This guy was so addicted to golf that all he did is go out on the links every single day. He had ambitions of making it to the Pros, so he took his game very seriously.

One day while playing in the final round of a tournament, the guy was in contention, so he played every shot with utmost care and concentration. After all the scores were submitted, he was declared the winner of the tournament.

He sped home to his wife with the trophy and some small cash prize. He kept repeating his round over dinner. The wife, who is not the least bit interested in golf, got up and went to bed early. The guy followed after a few hours, still high on his golf championship.

At around two in the morning, the wife jumps up and screams at her husband, who gets startled and wakes up. “What happened? Why are you screaming?” the guy asked his wife.

“Why wouldn’t I scream? You just pulled out a clump of my hair and threw it up in the air, mumbling something about checking the wind direction!

Joke of the Day

TWO ALLIGATORS

Two Alligators were sitting around talking, and the smaller Alligator turned the bigger one and said, “I can’t understand how you can be so much bigger than me. We’re the same age; we were the same size as kids. I just don’t get it.”

“Well,” said the big gator, “what have you been eating?”

“Politicians, same as you,” replied the small gator.

“Hmm. Well, where do you catch them?”

“Down the other side of the swamp near the parking lot by the Capitol.”

“Same here. Hmm. How do you catch them?”

“Well, I crawl up under one of their Luxury cars and wait for one to unlock the car door. Then I jump out, grab them by the leg, shake the crap out of them and eat ’em!”

“Ah!” says the big alligator, “I think I see your problem. You’re not getting any real nourishment. See, by the time you finish shaking the crap out of a politician, there’s nothing left but an asshole and a briefcase.”

Attribution: Karen

Joke du Jour

A young blond girl in her late teens, wanting to earn some extra money for the summer, decided to hire herself out as a “handy woman” and started canvassing a nearby well-to-do neighborhood. She went to the front door of the first house and asked the owner if he had any odd jobs for her to do. “Well, I guess I could use somebody to paint the porch” he said. “How much will you charge me?” Delighted, the girl quickly responded, “How about $50?” The man agreed and told her that the paint and brushes and everything she would need were in the garage. The man’s wife, hearing the conversation, said to her husband, “Does she realize that our porch goes ALL the way around the house?”

“That’s a bit cynical, isn’t it?” he responded. The wife replied, “You’re right. I guess I’m starting to believe all those dumb blonde jokes.” A few hours later the blonde came to the door to collect her money. “You’re finished already??” the startled husband asked. “Yes,” the blonde replied, “and I even had paint left over so I gave it two coats.” Impressed, the man reached into his pocket for the $50 and handed it to her along with a $10 tip. “Thank you,” the blonde said, “And, by the way, it’s not a Porch, it’s a Lexus.”

Attribution: Karen

Joke of the Day


Oldie but a Goodie

This guy is looking to buy a saw to cut down some trees in his backyard. He goes to a local shop and asks about various chainsaws.

The dealer tells him, “Look, I have a lot of models, but why don’t you save yourself a lot of time and aggravation and get the top-of-the-line model. This chainsaw will cut a hundred cords of wood for you in one day.”

So, the man takes the chainsaw home and begins working on the trees. After cutting for several hours and only cutting two cords, he decides to quit. He thinks there is something wrong with the chainsaw. “How can I cut for hours and only cut two cords?” the man asks himself. “I will begin first thing in the morning and cut all day.”

So, the next morning the man gets up at 4 am and cuts and cuts, and cuts till nightfall, and still he only manages to cut five cords.

The man is convinced this is a defective saw. “The dealer told me it would cut one hundred cords of wood in a day, no problem. I’ll just take it back to the dealer,” he says to himself.

The very next day the man brings the saw back to the dealer and explains the problem. The dealer, baffled by the man’s claim, removes the chainsaw from the case. The dealer says, “Hmm, it looks fine.”

Then the dealer starts the chainsaw, to which the man responds, “What’s that noise?

Joke of the Day

A young couple got married and went on their honeymoon.

When they got back, the bride immediately called her mother.

“Well,” said her mother, “how was the honeymoon?”

“Oh, mama,” she replied, “the honeymoon as wonderful! So romantic…”

Suddenly she burst out crying. “But, mama, as soon as we returned Sam started using the most horrible language – things I’d never heard before!
I mean, the most awful 4-letter words! You’ve got to take me home… PLEASE MAMA!”

“Sarah, Sarah,” her mother said, “calm down! You need to stay with your husband and work this out. Now, tell me, what could be so awful? WHAT 4-letter words?”

“Please don’t make me tell you, mama,” wept the daughter, “I’m so embarrassed they’re just too awful! COME GET ME, PLEASE!!”

“Darling, baby, you must tell me what has you so upset. Tell your mother these horrible 4-letter words!”

Still sobbing, the bride said, “Oh, Mama … he used words like: dust, wash, iron, cook…”

“I’ll pick you up in twenty minutes,” said the mother.

Joke of the Day

Old Fart Football
An old married couple no sooner hit the pillows when the old man passes gas and says, “Seven Points.”

His wife rolls over and says, “What in the world was that?”

The old man replied, “its fart football.

A few minutes later his wife lets one go and says,”Touchdown, tie score.”

After about five minutes the old man lets another one go and says,

“Aha. I’m ahead 14 to 7.”

Not to be outdone the wife rips out another one and says,

“Touchdown, tie score.”

Five seconds go by and she lets out a little squeaker and says,

“Field goal, I lead 17 to 14.” Now the pressure is on the old man.

He refuses to get beaten by a woman, so he strains real hard.

Since defeat is totally unacceptable, he gives it everything he’s got, and accidentally craps in the bed.

The wife says, “What the hell was that?”

The old man says, “Half time, switch sides.”

Attribution: Greg

Joke du Jour

Obituary:
With all the sadness and trauma going on in the world at the moment, it
is worth reflecting on the death of a very important person which almost
went unnoticed last week.

Larry La Prise, the man who wrote “The Hokey Pokey”, died peacefully at age 93.

The most traumatic part for his family was getting him into the coffin. They put his left leg in. And then the trouble started.

SHUT UP. You know it’s funny.

Attribution: Karen