Blague du jour

A man is in a bar and falling off his stool every couple of minutes. He is obviously drunk. So the bartender says to another man in the bar: “Why don’t you be a good Samaritan and take him home.”

The man takes the drunk out the door and to his car and he stumbles at least ten times. They drive along and the drunk points out his house to the man. He stops the car and the drunk stumbles up the steps to his house with the man.

The drunk’s wife greets them at the door: “Why thank you for bringing him home for me, but where’s his wheel chair?”

Joke of the Day

These are actual quotes said by various sports figures.

Oiler coach Bum Phillips: When asked by Bob Costas why he takes his wife on all the road trips, Phillips responded, “Because she is too ugly to kiss goodbye.”

New Orleans Saint RB George Rogers when asked about the upcoming season:”I want to rush for 1,000 or 1,500 yards, whichever comes first.”

And, upon hearing Joe Jacoby of the ‘Skins say “I’d run over my own mother to win the Super Bowl,” Matt Millen of the Raiders said, “To win, I’d run over Joe’s mom too.”

Football commentator and former player Joe Theismann 1996: “Nobody in football should be called a genius. A genius is a guy like Norman Einstein.”

Senior basketball player at the University of Pittsburgh: “I’m going to graduate on time, no matter how long it takes.” Bill Peterson, a Florida State football coach: “You guys line up alphabetically by height.” and “You guys pair up in groups of three, then line up in a circle.”

Clemson recruit Ray Forsythe, who was ineligible as a freshman because of academic requirements: “I play football. I’m not trying to be a professor. The tests don’t seem to make sense to me, measuring your brain on stuff I haven’t been through in school.”

Boxing promoter Dan Duva on Mike Tyson hooking up again with promoter Don King: “Why would anyone expect him to come out smarter? He went to prison for three years, not Princeton.”

Stu Grimson, Chicago Blackhawks left wing, explaining why he keeps a color photo of himself above his locker: “That’s so when I forget how to spell my name, I can still find my fucking clothes.”

Shaquille O’Neal on whether he had visited the Parthenon during his visit to Greece: “I can’t really remember the names of the clubs that we went to.”

Shaquille O’Neal, on his lack of championships: “I’ve won at every level, except college and pro.”

Lou Duva, veteran boxing trainer, on the Spartan training regime of heavyweight Andrew Golota: “He’s a guy who gets up at six o’clock in the morning regardless of what time it is.”

Pat Williams, Orlando Magic general manager, on his team’s 7-27 record: “We can’t win at home. We can’t win on the road.. As general manager, I just can’t figure out where else to play.”

Just a Joke

A man is stranded on a desert island, all alone for ten years. One day, he sees a speck in the horizon. He thinks to himself, “It’s not a ship.” The speck gets a little closer and he thinks, “It’s not a boat.” The speck gets even closer and he thinks, “It’s not a raft.” Then, out of the surf comes this gorgeous blonde woman, wearing a wet suit and scuba gear. She comes up to the guy and says, “How long has it been since you’ve had a cigarette?”

“Ten years!”, he says.

She reaches over and unzips a waterproof pocket on her left sleeve and pulls out a pack of fresh cigarettes.

He takes one, lights it, takes a long drag, and says, “Man, oh man! Is that good!”

Then she asked, “How long has it been since you’ve had a drink of whiskey?”

He replies, “Ten years!”

She reaches over, unzips her waterproof pocket on her right sleeve, pulls out a flask and gives it to him.

He takes a long swig and says, “Wow, that’s fantastic!”

Then she starts unzipping a longer zipper that runs down the front of her wet suit and she says to him, “And how long has it been since you’ve had some real fun?”

And the man replies, “Wow! Don’t tell me that you’ve got golf clubs in there!”

Git Er Dun

Direct Quote from ‘Larry, the cable guy’

“Even after the Super Bowl victory of the New Orleans Saints,
I have noticed a large number of people implying with bad jokes
that Cajuns aren’t smart.

I would like to state for the record that I disagree with that assessment.

Anybody that would build a city 5 feet below sea level in a
hurricane zone and fill it with Democrats is a damn genius”.

Gotta Laugh

I don’t care who you are, this is funny!

A little Muslim kid, crying, can’t find his mother in the supermarket.

The store attendant says ‘What does your mother look like?’

The kid says “How the f— would I know?!?!?!?!?”;

Why I’m Depressed

 

 

Why I’m Depressed

Over five thousand years ago, Moses said to the children of Israel , “Pick up your shovels, mount your asses and camels, and I will lead you to the Promised Land.”

Nearly 75 years ago, (when Welfare was introduced) Roosevelt said, “Lay down your shovels, sit on your asses, and light up a Camel, this is the Promised Land.”

Today, the government has stolen your shovel, taxed your asses, raised the price of Camels and mortgaged the Promised Land!

I was so depressed last night thinking about Health Care Plans, the economy, the wars, lost jobs, savings, Social Security, retirement funds, and everything…

I called a Suicide Hotline. I had to press 1 for English.

I was connected to a call center…in Pakistan . I told them I was suicidal. They got excited and asked if I could drive a truck.

(Unknown Author)

Funny Stuff

 

AN ATHEIST AND LITTLE GIRL ON A PLANE  
  
An atheist was seated next to a little girl on an airplane and  
He turned to her and said, “Do you want to talk? Flights go quicker  
If you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger.”  
  
The little girl, who had just started to read her book,
Replied to the total stranger, “What would you want to talk about?”
 
“Oh, I don’t know,” said the atheist. “How about why there is
No God, or no Heaven or Hell, or no life after death?”
as he smiled Smugly.
 
 
“OK,” she said. “Those could be interesting topics but let me
Ask you a question first. A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat the same
Stuff – grass. Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns
Out a flat patty, but a horse produces clumps.
Why do you suppose that Is?”
 
 
The atheist, visibly surprised by the little girl’s
Intelligence thinks about it and says, “Hmmm, I have no idea.”
To which the little girl replies, “Do you really feel qualified
To discuss why there is no God, or no Heaven or Hell, or no life after
Death, when you don’t know shit?”
And then she went back to reading her book.